- a fascinating and deep work about the properties of the subconscious and the tricks of our Ego. The author Liz Burbo, an esotericist and psychologist, painstakingly collected a huge amount of material in which she explained the reasons for life failures and walking in a vicious circle of the chosen response models. The difference between this largely esoteric work from classical psychology is that the explanations of our traumas are given not so much within the framework of the physical world, but are explained by the agreement of kindred souls to help each other go through important experiences for the further evolution of consciousness and, ultimately, awareness of their divinity. In other words, our soul deliberately goes through such an experience in order to learn Unconditional Love and fulfill the task of incarnation.
How often we are faced with the fact that the world, as if by some unspoken "law of meanness," slips us the same situations, each time checking our endurance and resilience. We unsuccessfully fall in love with the same men or women, we cannot get out of the vicious circle of lack of money or unfulfillment, again and again we step on the same rake in choosing important decisions, we blame the world for the impossibility of giving us the desired happiness. And no matter how many bumps we have in our arsenal, the situation has not changed for decades.
Everything happens because, explains Liz Burbo, that we are automatic in our reactions to life events. Our ability to abstract and look at what is happening more widely collapses as soon as the situation touches the most painful places. And the notorious "law of meanness" will invariably operate until we manage to see the destructive system of our response, jagged over the years of childhood and adolescence, and completely reconsider our capabilities.
The true goal of the soul is to accept itself along with all experiences, mistakes, strengths and weaknesses, desires and subpersonalities. This natural desire to be oneself already in childhood causes discontent among parents and others, followed by prohibitions, reprimands, swearing and the formation of a sense of guilt in the child. Our desire to be ourselves becomes something shameful over time, but it does not go away. So that the painful inability to open up does not injure the soul every time, the Ego creates a mask. And you need to immediately understand that this mask is a lifeline, a healing protection from pain and trials, but unconscious wearing it does not allow us to fully realize our uniqueness.
According to the author's gradation, 5 mental traumas interfere with a person, and each injury generates a protective mask that is unconsciously put on in any difficult situations. Injuries can occur singly or together, in a bright or latent manifestation. Each trauma is tightly connected with working out a karmic task with one of the parents. Masks, designed for self-defense, also appear in the person's appearance and physique.
Trauma Forsaken - Mask Fugitive (survivors with same gender parent)
Trauma Abandoned - Mask Addicted (experienced with a parent of the opposite sex)
Trauma Humiliated - Masochist Mask (always worried with the mother)
Trauma Betrayal - Mask Controlling (experienced with opposite sex parent)
Trauma Injustice - Rigid Mask (experienced with same gender parent)
The book provides a comprehensive description of each injury. It's amazing how completely and accurately our reactions are sometimes described, how the models of behavior of our parents are thoroughly spelled out, in response to which our ego formed a protective barrier. Masks not only shape behaviors, they create a mindset that is invariably tied to the trauma experienced. Over time, bitterness and resentment against one of the parents is transferred to other persons of the same sex. We also tend to treat others according to our trauma, not realizing that we most do not want to be treated like this.
By understanding what trauma we carry with us from childhood, it will be easier for us to achieve a state of inner peace and self-acceptance. In fact, the book teaches that every situation in which there is some kind of internal emotional discomfort is a reason to track your reaction and go into the depths of fears in order to heal yourself of them forever. But that's not all. Our masks are doors to be left behind on the path to remembering our own perfection. After all, each of us is one God, experiencing the experience of earthly existence.
Personally, after reading, I discovered in myself two pronounced traumas - Injustice and Betrayal. Knowing the intricacies of my reaction in each situation now gives me the opportunity to change my internal assessment in order not to receive an unwanted response from the world. Moreover, in communicating with people, I began to notice these masks in them, and this allows me now to more sensitively understand the reasons for human behavior, abandon labels, cliches and critical judgment and sympathize with those traits of their character that previously seemed to me to be a manifestation bad temper. Ultimately, the observation of masks teaches a person a mindfulness that greatly simplifies life and adds a lot of reasons for universal happiness, joy and a harmonious stay on Earth.
Liz Burbo constantly reminds us that we need our traumas not for greater self-criticism and self-condemnation, and in no case for realizing our own imperfection, but, on the contrary, for self-knowledge and learning Unconditional Love. And to love unconditionally is, first of all, to accept, even if you do not agree and do not understand the reasons.
© Oksana Bortsova
Psychologist Liz Burbo, in one of his books ("Five traumas that interfere with being oneself"), describes five main mental traumas that a person experiences in his life, and which can lead him not only to psycho-emotional suffering, but also negatively affect the state physical health.
Mental trauma is the consequence of painful childhood experiences that affect a person's life and largely determine his ability to overcome difficulties.
Since a person receives these mental traumas from early childhood, Liz Burbo considers them in chronological order:
- "Rejected"
- "Left"
- "Humiliated"
- "Betrayed"
- "Were unjust."
Along with the explanation of these traumas, the psychologist invites the reader to get acquainted with the so-called masks that a person is forced to create in order to protect himself from the emotional pain he has experienced.
These masks are designed to cover injuries throughout life, so each injury has its own mask: the injury was “rejected” - the mask “fugitive”, “left” - “addicted”, “humiliated” - “masochist”, “betrayed” - “ controlling ”,“ were unfair ”-“ rigid (rigid) ”.
Let us consider these traumas and masks in more detail in order to “know them by sight”, since it is they who can stand behind certain psychosomatic ailments.
Trauma "rejected" - mask "fugitive"
Rejected Injury (Fugitive Physique)
According to Liz Burbo, this injury is very deep, as it appears before the age of one year. The rejected one feels this trauma as a rejection of his very essence, as a denial of his right to exist.
Prominent examples are situations such as an unwanted child, a child of the wrong gender.
It should be noted that the psychologist shares two different concepts: - a person suffering from a rejection complex. « Fugitive Mask " - the character of a person, developing as a means of avoiding the suffering of the rejected. That is, you need a mask so as not to be yourself.
Characteristics of trauma
A child who feels rejected and creates a fugitive mask lives in his imaginary world. In this regard, according to Liz Burbo, he can be smart, prudent, quiet and not creating problems. He feels good in his world, he can even come up with a consoling story for himself that his parents are not real, that they just messed up in the hospital and took the wrong one. He is characterized by the desire to run away from home for any reason (for example, they have a pronounced desire to go to school, although they also feel rejected there).
On the other hand, the psychologist notes, the rejected child wants his parents to notice him (he gets sick, gets serious wounds, hides in the closet and waits to be found, etc.)
Since such a child, as a rule, has a body less than average, the parents can start to take great care of him, because of which he begins to think that he is again not accepted for who he is.
The rejected one often asks himself: what is he doing on this planet? He is attracted by everything that is connected with spirit and intellect, and he looks down on material things, as it were. This same position can explain such consequences as difficulties in sexual life.
The fugitive as a person does not believe in his own worth and does not put himself in anything, therefore he strives to be perfect in order to acquire this value. As Liz Burbo writes, the characteristic words of such a person are "nobody", "nothing", "does not exist", "disappear", etc.
Such a person usually seeks loneliness and solitude, as he is afraid of others because he does not know how to behave in front of them. He has few friends, both at school and at work, and speaks little. In turn, he is considered withdrawn and left alone, and this makes him even more lonely.
Fugitives often have problems with their skin so that they do not touch it: since the skin is a contact organ, its diseases become an unconscious way to protect themselves from touching.
Liz Burbo argues that the trauma of rejection is experienced with a parent of the same gender. However, it is not necessary that the parent has the intention of rejecting the child. The fact is that this is a personal feeling of the child: for certain reasons (which are associated with life lessons, which his soul has come to pass) does not feel acceptance or benevolence on the part of a parent of the same sex. He wants to win the love of this parent, but at the same time, he is very sensitive to comments from this parent, and is always ready to decide that he is rejecting him.
In such a situation, bitterness and anger may develop in the child, often turning into hatred (like strong but disappointed love - so great is his suffering).
As Liz Burbo notes, a child is easily panicked and numb with fear in the presence of a parent or other people of the same gender. The word "panic" is often found in his vocabulary. Fear of his own panic leads to the fact that the fugitive loses his memory at a crucial moment.
As for the parent of the opposite sex, then, according to the psychologist, the fugitive himself is afraid to reject him and in every possible way restrains himself in his actions and statements in relation to him.
If the fugitive experiences the feeling of the opposite sex rejected by the parent, then he blames himself for this and rejects himself.
Liz Burbo revealed that the trauma also affects the characteristics of food intake. So, a fugitive prefers small portions, and when he experiences fits of fear, his appetite often disappears. Sometimes he is prone to anorexia, as he believes that he is too big and well-fed, although this is not so (remember the physique of the rejected one).
According to Liz Burbo, fugitives have a weakness for sweets, and they can also be attracted to alcohol or drugs.
Also, such a person may develop a depressive or manic-depressive state, the result of which may be a plan to commit suicide. Sometimes, because of adoration of your idol, psychosis can develop.
Trauma "left" - mask "addicted"
Abandoned trauma (addict physique)
To leave is to leave a person, to retire temporarily or permanently. If the rejected one experiences his trauma at the level of "to be", then the abandoned one experiences his trauma at the level of "have" and "do". Typically, this injury occurs between one and three years of age.
Feeling abandoned can develop in situations such as:
- mother's employment due to the appearance of a new child;
- constant employment of parents at work and, in this regard, a short time with the child;
- hospitalization of one child, without parents (the child cannot understand why the parents are not with him);
- leaving the child with grandmothers on vacation;
- the child is left to himself (mom is sick, dad is working), lack of emotional and physical nutrition, etc.
According to Liz Burbo, the physique of the addict is characterized by a lack of tone in the body: a long, thin, sagging body, the muscular system is underdeveloped and sluggish, large sad eyes, weak legs and long arms, sometimes a curved back, some parts of the body are located below normal, some parts of the body also looks drooping (shoulders, cheeks, abdomen, etc.).
Characteristics of trauma
According to Liz Burbo's observations, the trauma of the abandoned person is caused by a parent of the opposite sex. She also found that it is not uncommon for the trauma of the abandoned to be combined with the trauma of the rejected. A person with the trauma of the abandoned person is constantly emotionally hungry.
Trying to hide his trauma from himself, a person creates for himself the mask of an addict. The addict is sure that he is not able to achieve anything on his own, that he needs support. Such a person tends to become a victim, and there is a high probability that his parent (or both parents) were also victims.
Here the psychologist explains that the victim in this case means a person who is always inclined to create problems for himself in order to attract attention to himself, and mainly these are health problems. This is due to the need of the addict, as it seems to him that too little attention is paid to him.
Such a person is too dramatized, creating many problems for himself, since the role of the victim allows him to receive the much-needed attention.
By studying this mask, Liz Burbo discovered that the addict is often willing to play the role of savior - which is a subtle way of getting attention. But this role negatively affects his back health, as he takes on other people's responsibilities.
The addict has periods of rise and fall (feeling happy alternates with feeling unhappy). He feels an urgent need for support from other people, he hardly accepts a refusal to his request for help, does not like to act alone.
The addict's greatest fear is associated with loneliness, and therefore clings to others. Such a person, according to the psychologist, has the most powerful ability not to see problems in his partner, since he does not want to be abandoned. In this regard, he does not like the word "leave".
The strongest emotion an addict experiences is sadness. In order not to feel it, the addict seeks the company of other people. In times of crisis, such a person can come to the idea of suicide and tell everyone about it. Although the first attempt will be unsuccessful, in the absence of sympathy, it can actually do it.
At the same time, the addict thinks that he is not worthy of the attention of another person. He is afraid of all bosses and powerful people, as they seem to him cold and indifferent.
According to the observations of Liz Burbo, the addict is prone to bulimia: she can eat a lot without gaining weight. This is due to the fact that such a person is internally tuned in to the fact that he always lacks everything.
Addicts often get sick, especially in childhood, they are weak and frail in body. Among the frequent ailments of such people, the psychologist distinguishes asthma, diseases of the bronchi, pancreas and adrenal glands, myopia, hysteria, depression, migraines, as well as rare and incurable diseases.
Trauma "humiliated" - mask "masochist"
Trauma of the humiliated (masochist physique)
Humiliation is an insult, a blow to a person's dignity, which he perceives as oppression, shame and shame.
This trauma, according to Liz Burbo, awakens at the age of one to three years, when the child becomes aware of the functions of his physical body: the child learns to eat independently, go to the toilet, talk and listen to what adults tell him, etc.
The moment of the trauma awakening are situations when the child feels that the parent is ashamed of him because the child has done something, ruined, often in front of others (dirty, described, etc.).
The trauma of the humiliated is most often experienced with the mother.
According to Liz Burbo, the humiliated person creates for himself the mask of a masochist - a person who experiences satisfaction, pleasure from suffering and unconsciously seeks humiliation.
The humiliated person has a large and fat body, which, as it were, reflects his beliefs about himself as a short, unclean person.
He has a barrel-shaped body due to excess fat. If the injury is shallow, then only some parts of the body (abdomen, buttocks, chest) will be rounded. The physique of a masochist is also distinguished by a short waist, a thick, flowing neck, a round face with wide open innocent eyes.
Characteristics of trauma
The masochist seeks to prove his reliability and diligence, therefore he takes on a lot of work and responsibilities. As Liz Burbo writes, such a person has the gift of being drawn into situations in which he must deal with someone, help someone, take care of someone, gradually forgetting about himself. Moreover, the more he takes on himself, the more his weight becomes.
The weight and size of the body of the masochist grow and take up more and more space due to the fact that he himself wants to take a place in life. Therefore, interfering in the lives of loved ones, he does everything for them, not realizing that thereby humiliates them.
Liz Burbo argues that it is difficult for a masochist to express his true needs and feelings because from early childhood he is afraid to speak, because he is afraid to experience shame (or cause others to experience shame). As a rule, such a person is hypersensitive, and any trifle can hurt him. At the same time, he is ready to make others laugh, presenting himself as an object of ridicule.
The masochist perceives criticism with a sense of humiliation and his own worthlessness. But he himself considers himself much more worthless and insignificant and useless than he really is (hence, the favorite words "a little", "a little"). Therefore, he loves small houses, cars, objects, etc.
Such a person tends to punish himself. As confirmation of this, he even likes to take the blame of others on himself and apologize.
The greatest fear for such a person is freedom, therefore he always unconsciously arranges so as not to be free.
The main ailments of the masochist Liz Burbo includes back pain, a feeling of heaviness on the shoulders, respiratory diseases, problems with the legs and feet (varicose veins, sprains, fractures), liver problems, sore throat, tonsillitis and laryngitis, thyroid diseases, skin itching and scabies, pancreatic disease, heart disease. Soda, however, should be attributed to surgery as a consequence of his belief in the inevitability of suffering.
Trauma "betrayed" - mask "controlling"
Devotee Trauma (Controller Physique)
To betray is to stop being faithful. Betrayal is associated with the inability to trust and rely.
According to Liz Burbo, this trauma awakens between the ages of two and four, when sexual energy develops and the so-called Oedipus complex arises (when there is an unconscious or conscious attraction to the parent of the opposite sex). Hence, trauma is experienced only with a parent (or with another person acting as that parent) of the opposite sex.
The psychologist revealed that those who suffer from the trauma of betrayal did not resolve the Oedipus complex in childhood: their attachment to the parent of the opposite sex remained too strong, which in adulthood began to influence relationships with the opposite sex. Such people constantly compare their partners with their parent and expect from them the same that this parent could not give them.
A devoted child tends to feel that he is needed, he especially wants the parent of the opposite sex to be good.
Liz Burbo lists situations that trigger the trauma of betrayal: if a parent of the opposite sex fails to keep his promise or abuses such a child's trust, the child feels betrayed by that parent. The feeling of betrayal in a child also appears when a parent of the same sex is betrayed by a parent of the opposite sex, as well as in a situation when the father removes his little daughter from himself because a new child was born - a boy.
A child who has begun to experience such trauma creates a mask of “controlling” for himself in order to ensure the fulfillment of the tasks undertaken, to remain faithful, to justify responsibility, or to demand all of this from others.
According to Liz Burbo, the controller creates a body for himself, which is distinguished by strength and power, as if saying: "I am responsible for everything, you can trust me." So, the controlling man is distinguished by beautiful broad shoulders, and the controlling woman is distinguished by the width and "bulkiness" in the abdomen, buttocks, and thighs.
Characteristics of trauma
The gaze of the controller is intent, so such a person grasps the situation very quickly. His gaze keeps the enemy at a distance, and probes the weak, intimidates. But this is just a way to hide your weakness and vulnerability.
According to Liz Burbo's characterization, supervisors do everything in their power to be strong, responsible, special and significant people. In this way, they satisfy their ego, which does not want to see how many times he betrays himself or others.
The supervisor has the highest expectations, as he loves to anticipate and control everything in order to check whether others are doing well, what they should do and whether they can be relied on.
The psychologist describes the controller as a strong personality. Such a person actively asserts what he believes in and expects others to fully accept his beliefs. He is firmly convinced that he is right and expresses his opinion in a categorical tone.
At the same time, the controller avoids conflict situations for fear of losing control. He fears commitment out of fear of reneging on commitments (because he considers giving up on commitments a betrayal that he experienced as a child from his parent of the opposite sex, not fulfilling his obligations in accordance with his expectations).
He often has mood swings. He is impatient with slow people, as he loves speed and speed of action (including fast eating). Such a person does not like to be late, does not like to entrust others with things, since this can lead to losing control. He is more demanding of others than of himself. Reputation for him is above everything, even above the happiness of his children.
The controller does not like to be controlled or corrected after him, since he likes to do everything in his own way.
Such a person is prone to "futurization": he is constantly busy planning the near future, so he practically does not realize the essence of the present.
It is very important for the controller to show others his strength and courage, but he can hardly trust another because of the fear that his information could be used against him. It is very sensitive, but it is almost impossible to notice it.
The strongest fear in the controller is associated with disintegration, separation, rupture (divorce), and also with renunciation (understands as betrayal).
For such a person, the choice is especially difficult, since it seems to him that due to the wrong choice he may lose control.
Trauma "were unfair" - mask "rigid (hard)"
Injustice Injury (Rigid Physique)
Liz Burbo explains injustice as a lack of fairness and fairness. A person feels a sense of injustice when he does not see the recognition of his dignity, when it seems to him that he does not receive what he deserves.
According to the psychologist, this trauma awakens at the age of three to five years, during the period of development of the child's individuality, when he realizes that he is a human being, a separate integral entity with its own characteristics. The child feels as injustice that he cannot be whole and inviolable, cannot express himself and be himself.
The trauma of injustice is experienced, as a rule, with the parent of the same gender: the child suffers from his coldness (as it seems to the child), imperiousness, severity, from his constant remarks.
Liz Burbo argues that a child with such an injury creates a mask of rigidity for himself in order to isolate himself from the experiences he is experiencing, thus protecting himself. But the fact that he cuts himself off from experiences does not mean that he does not feel anything. On the contrary, such a person is very sensitive, but he develops the ability not to feel his sensitivity and not to show it to others. Therefore, a rigid person looks cold and insensitive.
The psychologist characterizes such a person as having a straight, rigid, and often perfect body. The physique is proportional, the shoulders are straight and the same width as the hips. Rigid people are usually more afraid of weight gain than others. They are characterized by dynamic, but not flexible enough movements, clenched jaws, proudly straightened neck, clear skin and a clear look.
Small stature is characteristic of rigid women. Such individuals love tight belts and clothes that highlight the waist. This is because by pinching their waist (solar plexus area), they will feel less.
Characteristics of trauma
According to Liz Burbo, already in childhood, the rigid person notices (or thinks so) that he is appreciated for what he does, and not for what he is. Therefore, he becomes hardworking, executive, gets used to independently getting out of difficult situations.
A characteristic gesture inherent in rigid individuals is crossing the arms on the chest as a symbol of blocking the solar plexus area (so as not to feel). For the same purpose, such individuals like to wear black clothes.
As Liz Burbo writes, a rigid person achieves correctness and justice at any cost, he himself also strives to be perfect in everything and just. He is most inclined to envy, especially those who, in his opinion, deserve less, but receive more.
The psychologist notes that to deserve, according to merit, according to merit are the key concepts of a rigid person, since he loves to seek justice. And it is very important for him to make sure that what he receives, he deserves (otherwise, he may refuse the award). In this regard, the rigid person does not like to accept gifts.
However, rigid people tend to exaggerate. So, they like to use the words "never", "always", "very" ("you are always not there").
To hide their sensitivity and emotions, rigid ones resort to laughter. For the same reason, when asked about business, he always answers "Excellent!" (even if it isn't).
The biggest fear of the rigid is the fear of making a mistake, since they are always preoccupied with perfection. Perhaps that is why they are more likely to suffer from professional exhaustion than others. Another big fear is the fear of coldness.
And the most painful injustice, says Liz Burbo, the rigid ones experience from themselves, as they often blame themselves (that they buy something for themselves, that they have a rest, etc.).
Most often, rigid ones experience an emotion of anger (especially in relation to themselves).
Among the main ailments of rigid Liz Burbo emphasizes the inflexibility and tension of the upper back, in the neck, knees, elbows and other flexible parts of the body. This list includes diseases that end - it, also nervous exhaustion, nervousness, insomnia, constipation, hemorrhoids, spasms, convulsions, circulatory problems and varicose veins, skin problems (dryness, acne, psoriasis), liver disorders, visual impairment.
Healing paths
Earlier, we wrote that the considered injuries can negatively affect both mental and physical health of a person. The key word here is “may,” which means that if certain conditions are met, this can be avoided. What are these conditions? They just overlap with the ways of healing psychosomatic ailments.
- In order to begin the path of healing, a person needs to see their problem (in this case, the trauma). Why this point should be emphasized: because many do not want to see or have become so merged with the trauma that they really do not see it.
Observing and analyzing events and people in your life will help you see the problem. Liz Burbo emphasizes the following pattern: the deeper the trauma of a person, the more he attracts to himself the circumstances in which he is rejected (betrayed, humiliated, etc.) or rejects (betrays, humiliates, etc.) himself. And the more he does this in relation to himself, the stronger his fear of being rejected, betrayed, humiliated, etc.
We blame others for what we do not want to see in ourselves. Therefore, a person attracts the appropriate people or situations: in order to see through them what is in him.
- Realize and accept the trauma: understand its essence and agree that it is in you (many usually deny their trauma).
Since, according to Liz Burbo's theory, wherever a person with a mental trauma comes, wherever he tries to hide from situations reminiscent of his trauma, this suffering will haunt him only for one simple reason - the trauma sits in him, in his inner world, in his soul.
From here, healing will begin to occur only when a person stops running away from himself, from his mental pain, when he realizes that the people around him are not guilty of anything, like himself. He just came to this Earth to go through this experience and, being healed, to be free.
What needs to be done for successful healing? The answer lies in the cause of the injury. As Liz Burbo points out, the main cause of any injury is the inability to forgive oneself for the injury inflicted on oneself or others.
This means that the first and most important thing is to forgive both yourself and others. In fact, it is easy to do this if you know the essence of your trauma and accept that “Yes, it so happened that I wanted to go through this experience, so I drew on the appropriate circumstances of my life (parents, relatives, events) so that they showed me that it is inside me. This means that there is no one to blame, since all of them, including myself, played their roles in this play (called Life). I understand that all this was done not out of malice, but for the good of my soul, my development. Therefore, I easily forgive myself and others for the pain (as a signal that something is wrong) that was part of this experience and caused suffering to everyone who participated in this play. I thank myself and everyone for this experience that made me wiser. "
I would like to recall one parable about how souls agreed on the upcoming life lesson.
One strong Soul wanted to know what forgiveness is and what it means to forgive. Other Souls first dissuaded her, then out of love for her, agreed to help. One Soul said that only because of a great love for her, it agrees to be embodied by her parent and will humiliate and scold constantly so that she understands what forgiveness is and what forgiving. Another Soul also agreed to help and said that it would incarnate as her husband and would beat, offend and change, so that she would understand what forgiveness is and what it means to forgive. This Soul said that it would do it only because it loves it very much. And other Souls flew up to her and said that only because of love for her they were ready to go with her to Earth as her future naughty children, betraying friends and other relatives who bring her suffering. Only for her sake. When they all incarnated on Earth, they forgot about the contract. The Soul that wanted to go through the experience of forgiveness, for the sake of which all other Souls did what they had promised, has also forgotten: they came into her life and began to help her see the experience she had chosen.
Can you really blame or hate someone after that?
I wish you to see your (chosen by you) experience and go through it with an understanding of the essence and gratitude to all the actors (including yourself).
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Acknowledgments
Thank you from the bottom of my heart to everyone with whom I have worked for many years and without whom my research on injuries and masks would not have been possible.
My biggest gratitude is to those who participated in the seminars "Effective Mutual Aid Techniques". Their capacity for complete self-disclosure has greatly enriched the material for this book. I have a special gratitude to the members of the group. "Listen to Your Body" who participated in my research and provided me with information that is very important for this book. Thanks to all of you, I have not lost a passionate interest in research and new generalizations.
Finally, I want to thank those who were directly involved in writing books. First of all, this is my husband Jacques, who by his very presence brightened and lightened the hours spent over her pages; Monique Bourbeau-Schilds, Odette Pelletier, Micheline Saint-Jacques, Natalie Raymond and Michelle Derruder brilliantly did the macabre work of proofreading the manuscript, while Claudie Ogier and Eliza Palazzo provided the book's decoration.
Foreword
I was able to write this book thanks to the perseverance and persistence of many researchers, who, like me, were not forced by the objections and skepticism of critics to refuse to publish the results of their searches and reflections. It must be said that researchers know that attacks on them and their work are inevitable, and they usually prepare for this. They are inspired by those who positively perceive new discoveries, and also the hope to help people in their evolution. The first among the researchers, to whom I must express my gratitude, was the Austrian psychiatrist SIGMUND FREUD: he was responsible for the grandiose discovery of the unconscious in man; it was he who dared to declare that the physical nature of the human being is inseparable from his emotional and mental structure.
I am also grateful to one of his students, WILHELM REICH, who, in my opinion, became the great forerunner of metaphysics. He was the first to establish an indisputable connection between psychology and physiology, showing that neuroses affect not only the mental, but also the physical body.
Later, psychiatrists John PIERRAKOS and Alexander LOWEN (both students of Wilhelm Reich) discovered bioenergetics and showed that the patient's will to heal is equally important for his physical body, and for emotions, and for the intellect.
Thanks primarily to the work of John Pierracos and her colleague Eva Brook, I was able to bring to a finished form everything that you will discover here. Beginning with a very interesting seminar in 1992 with Barry Walker, a student of John Pierracos, I have meticulously observed and explored the material now presented in this book as a synthesis of my efforts - the five traumas and their accompanying masks. In addition, all the ideas presented here have been repeatedly tested since 1992 by the experience of many thousands of people who attended my seminars, as well as by examples from my personal life.
There is no scientific evidence for what was first said in this book, but I suggest you check my findings before rejecting them, and most importantly, see if they will help improve your quality of life.
As you can see, in this book, as in the previous ones, I address you in you... If you are reading one of my books for the first time and are unfamiliar with the teaching "LISTEN TO YOUR BODY" then some expressions may confuse you. For example, I make a clear distinction between feeling and emotion, between intelligence and intelligence, between self-control and control. The meaning of these concepts and the differences between them are quite well explained in my other books, as well as in the classroom.
Everything that I write applies equally to the male and female halves of the human race (otherwise I am making reservations). I still use the word THE GOD... Let me remind you that, speaking of GOD, I mean your HIGHER I, your true being, the very I who knows your real needs, focused on a life of love, happiness, harmony, peace, health, abundance and joy.
I wish you the same pleasure in reading the book as I experienced when I shared my discoveries with you on its pages.
With love,
CHAPTER 1
The occurrence of injuries and masks
Already at birth, a child in the very depths of his being knows that the meaning of his incarnation lies in working through all the many lessons that life will give him. In addition, his soul has already chosen a specific family and environment in which he is born with a very specific purpose. All of us who come to this planet have one mission: to go through the experiences, and to go through in such a way as to accept them and through them to love ourselves.
Since sometimes the experience is experienced in rejection, i.e. in condemnation, guilt, fear, regret and other forms of denial, then a person constantly attracts circumstances and personalities, which again and again lead him to the need to experience the same experience. And some not only go through the same experience many times during their lives, but also have to re-incarnate, and sometimes even several times, in order to achieve full acceptance of it.
Acceptance of experience does not mean that we give preference to it or agree with him. Rather, it is about empowering ourselves to experiment and learn from what we are experiencing. We must first of all learn to recognize what is good for us and what is not. The only way to this state is to be aware of the consequences of the experience. Anything we decide to do or not to do, everything we do or don’t do, what we say or don’t say, and even everything we think or feel has certain consequences.
Trauma of the abandoned
BODY OF THE DEPENDENT (Abandoned Injury)
Leaving someone also means leaving him, leaving him, not wanting to do it anymore. Many people confuse the concept of “reject” and “leave”. If one of the spouses, for example, decided to reject the other, he pushes him away, drives him away, does not want to see him next to him. If he decided to leave his partner, then he leaves him, leaves, retires - temporarily or irrevocably.
The abandoned person experiences their trauma primarily at the “have” and “do” levels, and not at the “be” level characteristic of the rejected. Here are some typical situations that trigger the trauma of the abandoned child.
Your toddler may feel abandoned:
If his mom is suddenly very busy with a new baby. This feeling is especially acute in cases where a newborn baby is sick or requires special care. It seems to the abandoned one that his mother has completely left him and deals only with the newborn, that it will always be so now, that he will no longer have his old mother.
If parents go to work every day and are with him for a very short time.
When he is hospitalized, not allowing his parents to be with him in the hospital. He cannot understand what is happening. He may remember that he behaved badly before this happened, and he will have a suspicion that his parents want to get rid of him, that they are tired of him; in this case, loneliness becomes especially painful. There, in the hospital, he may decide that his parents have left him forever, and even if they visit him every day, the pain of the first suffering, remaining in his memory, will dominate every time. It is this pain that prompts him to create a mask for himself that will protect him from the repetition of suffering.
When parents give it away for the duration of their vacation - even to a grandmother - for supervision.
If his mother is constantly sick, and his father is absent or too busy to deal with him. The child is left to himself, whether he wants it or not.
I knew a woman who experienced extreme fear at the age of eighteen when her father died. The pain of the loss was multiplied tenfold by the fact that for several years the mother had reminded her daughter that she would kick her out of the house when she came of age, that is, at the age of 21. Rejected by her mother, her daughter now felt abandoned by her father. Terror gripped her: "How am I going to live without my dad, where can I go when I am kicked out of my parents' house and I am left all alone?"
Many people who carry the trauma of being abandoned confirm that they suffered from a lack of communication with a parent of the opposite sex as a child. They found him too withdrawn and accused him of giving the other parent all the power. In most cases, these children believed that the parent of the opposite sex was not interested in them.
In my experience, the trauma of the abandoned person is inflicted by the parent of the opposite sex.... On the other hand, I noticed that often the trauma of the abandoned child is combined with the trauma of the rejected. The child feels rejected by the parent of the same gender and at the same time abandoned by the parent of the opposite sex - the latter, in his opinion, should have been more concerned with him, the child, and not let the other parent reject him. A child may have an experience in which he feels abandoned by a parent of the same gender, but in reality he is experiencing the trauma of the parent rejected by that parent. How can it be? The fact is that a parent of the same sex, who does not pay attention to him, behaves this way because he rejects himself - and this is what the child feels in the very depths of his soul. When a parent rejects himself and has a child of the same sex, it is perfectly normal and human for him to reject that child, perhaps unconsciously, since the child constantly reminds him of his old trauma. The example of a woman who lost her father at the age of eighteen well illustrates this double trauma - rejected and abandoned.
With a deeper study of the characters, you will realize that most people have several injuries; however, the level of pain from them is not the same.
Anyone who carries the trauma of the abandoned person is constantly experiencing emotional hunger. A lack of physical nutrition can cause the same trauma, usually before the age of two. Trying to hide this trauma from himself, the human being creates a mask DEPENDENT... In what follows, I will use the word dependent to refer to a person suffering from the trauma of the abandoned.
For the mask dependent lack of tone in the body is characteristic. A long, thin, drooping body indicates severe trauma to the abandoned person. The muscular system is underdeveloped; from the outside it seems that she cannot keep her body upright, that a person needs help. The body always externally accurately expresses what is happening inside. Dependent I am sure that he is not capable of achieving anything on his own, that he absolutely needs someone's support. And his entire body expresses this need for support. V dependent the child who wants to help is easily visible.
Large sad eyes also betray the trauma of the abandoned; they seem to be trying to get our attention. Weak legs and long arms hanging along the side of the body give the impression of helplessness. A person does not seem to know what to do with his hands, especially when they are looking at him. Another feature of the mask dependent- the location of some parts of the body is below normal. Sometimes the back is crooked, as if the spine is unable to keep it straight. Other parts of the body also look drooping, flabby - shoulders, breasts, buttocks, cheeks, abdomen, scrotum in men, etc.
As you can see, the most impressive sign dependent- severely reduced muscle tone and the whole body. As soon as you see a flaccid, relaxed part of the body, you can be sure that the person is wearing a mask. dependent, behind which the trauma of the abandoned creature is hidden.
Remember: the thickness of the mask determines the intensity of the injury. A person with a pronounced dependence has all of the above signs. If some of these signs are absent, then the wound is not so deep. It is important to know that a person's physical fullness and lack of tone in certain parts of the body, as well as his excess weight, are signs of a different kind of injury, which will be discussed in the following chapters; here we are talking about the trauma of the abandoned, and it is characterized by a general reduced tone.
You should also learn to discern masks well. fugitive and dependent... Look, somewhere in your environment there are two little people - fugitive and dependent... Both can have thin wrists and ankles. The main difference is in tone. Fugitive, for all its small stature and fragility, it is distinguished by good posture; dependent it looks weak, flabby, exhausted. Fugitive makes the impression that his skin is tightly stretched over the bones, but the muscular system, even if it is not developed, works reliably; at dependent more flesh, but lacks tone.
If a person suffers from both of these injuries, you can find some signs in his body. fugitive and some - dependent... The trait that catches the eye first determines the dominant trauma.
Studying others to identify their traumas is an excellent exercise for developing intuition. Since the body can tell us so much about the personality, more and more people seek to change their physical appearance, using all available means - aesthetic surgery, weightlifting, etc. But if a person tries to hide his real body from others, this means that he wants to hide exactly those injuries that correspond to the masked body parts.
It is only through intuition that we can detect these modified body parts. I have dealt with such people more than once. For example, during a consultation, I notice that my patient has beautiful, firm breasts, although when she entered, I thought that this woman's breasts should have saggy breasts. It looked like a short flash. I used to trust my intuition, so I ask: “It's strange, I'm looking at you and I see beautiful strong breasts, but before that it seemed to me that they were small and saggy; maybe you did the operation? " The woman confirms that she really turned to aesthetic surgery, because she did not like her breasts.
Certain signs, especially muscle tone - in both women and men - can be much more difficult to spot due to bras, shoulder or buttock pads, and other accessories designed to mislead interested observers. Well, at least the one who looks in the mirror cannot deceive himself. Be that as it may, I recommend trusting your first impression.
I know men who have been involved in weightlifting since adolescence, but despite their impressive muscles, an attentive eye will notice a lack of tone in them. We have all seen more than once how settled, shapeless the bodies of some athletes become at the end of physical exercises: this happens only with dependent... If a person has hidden his injury with the help of physical means, this does not mean at all that he has healed it. Let me remind you of the analogy with the wound that I talked about in the first chapter: if a person hid the wound under a bandage, put his hand in his pocket, or took it behind his back, then the wound will not heal.
Of the five different types of injured dependent most prone to becoming a victim. Chances are very high that one of his parents - and possibly both - were also victims. A victim is a person who always has a tendency to create problems for themselves - primarily health problems - in order to attract attention to themselves. This meets the needs dependent who constantly thinks that they receive too little attention. When he seems to be trying his best to gain attention, he is actually looking for opportunities to feel important enough to receive support. It seems to him that if he fails to attract the attention of such and such a person, then he will not be able to count on him. This phenomenon is clearly seen in dependent when they are still very young. An addicted child wants to be sure that if he does something wrong, then someone will definitely help him out of trouble.
Such a personality dramatizes everything too much; the slightest incident takes on gigantic proportions. If, for example, the husband has not called his wife and said that he will be home late, she assumes the worst and does not understand why he did not call and made her suffer so much. Looking at a person who behaves like a victim, you sometimes wonder how he manages to create so many problems for himself. But myself dependent he does not see a big trouble in these problems: they bring him the most valuable gift - the attention of other people. This way he manages not to feel abandoned. After all, being abandoned for him is incomparably more painful than experiencing problems created by him. Only another person can truly understand it. dependent... The more obvious a victim looks like a person, the more severe his injury, the trauma of the abandoned one.
I have established another pattern: the victim very often and willingly plays the role of a savior. For example, dependent seeks to take on the responsibilities of a father towards his brothers and sisters, or seeks an opportunity to save someone he loves from trouble. These are more subtle ways to attract attention to yourself. On the other hand, if dependent does a lot of services to another person, while usually counting on compliments, wants to feel like an important person. Such a desire often becomes the cause of back illnesses, since other people's responsibilities are shouldered.
Have dependent periods of ups and downs alternate. For a while he feels happy, everything is going well, and then suddenly he becomes sad and unhappy. He even asks himself why this is happening, because changes happen for no apparent reason. With a good search, he may discover his fear and loneliness.
Support from others is a form of help in which dependent has the most urgent need... Regardless of whether it is difficult or easy for him to make decisions on his own, he usually turns to others first, asking for their opinion or approval. He needs a sense of support in his decisions. Because of this, it may seem that people of this type find it difficult to decide on something, but in fact they doubt their decision only in those cases when they do not feel support. Their expectations of others depend on how these others can help them. Anyway, for dependent real physical assistance is not so important as the feeling of support for his deeds and intentions from another person. When he is supported, he perceives it as help and love.
Dependent May seem lazy due to the fact that he does not like to be active or physically working alone; he needs someone's presence, if only for moral support. If he does something for others, he expects reciprocal affection. If his expectations are met and a pleasant relationship develops, he tries to prolong this state. When the collaboration ends, he says: "What a pity that this is over."... He perceives the end of something pleasant as if he was abandoned.
A dependent personality with victim traits, especially a woman, tends to ask many questions and often has a childish tone of voice. This is seen in those situations when she asks for help; she has difficulty accepting a refusal and usually insists on her request. The more she suffers, having received a refusal, the more persistently she seeks means to achieve her goal, uses manipulation, is capricious, blackmails, etc.
Dependent often asks for advice, as he is not sure of his ability to complete the task on his own, but he rarely listens to the advice received. In the end, he does what he wanted, because, in fact, he did not need advice, but support. When he walks with other people, he lets them go ahead, as he prefers to be led. He believes that if he does his job well himself, then no one else will do it, and then there will be isolation, loneliness, and this he wants to avoid at any cost.
Loneliness and really scares dependent more than anything else. He is convinced that he cannot cope with loneliness. Therefore, he clings to others and does everything to win their attention. He resorts to all sorts of tricks, if only he was loved, if only they did not leave him alone. For this, he endures the most painful situations for a long time and patiently. His fear is expressed by such thoughts: “What am I going to do alone? What will happen to me? How can I be? " He is often torn apart by internal conflicts, because, on the one hand, he requires a lot of attention, and on the other, he is afraid to demand it, as this can burden and irritate others, and then they will leave him. O dependent judged by how he withstands prolonged suffering, and conclude that he loves this suffering. In fact, he does not accept them. Look at a woman who is beaten by her husband or who lives with an alcoholic. Most likely, it is easier for her to endure this nightmare than to remain lonely. She lives with hope, emotional, illusory hope. She does not acknowledge her trauma: if she did, she would have to relive the suffering that trauma represents.
The dependent person has the most powerful ability not to see problems in their partner. She prefers to believe that everything is in order, as she is afraid of being abandoned. If a partner announces that he is leaving her, she suffers incredibly, because, not wanting to see problems, she did not expect it. If this is your case, if you see yourself clinging, currying out of fear of being alone, give yourself support. Find a mental image, imagine something that supports you. Do not give up when moments of despair come and it seems that no one can help you. Yes, sometimes it happens that there is no way out, but there is always a way out. If you can give yourself support, light will appear and you will find a way out.
Dependent does not like the word "leave". For example, when a person with him says to him: "I need to leave, I need to leave you", at dependent the heart contracts. The mere word “leave”, even heard on the phone, raises a storm of emotions in him. In order for him not to feel abandoned, the partner must explain to him the reason for his leaving, without using the words “leave” or “leave”.
When dependent he feels abandoned, he is sure that he means too little, that he is not worthy of the attention of another person. Being in the company dependent person, I have noticed many times: as soon as I look at my watch to check the time (and with my busy schedule, I do it often), his face changes. I can feel how this simple gesture hurts him. Dependent automatically concludes that my affairs are more important to me than he.
It is difficult for such a person to leave the place or part with the company. Even if he feels good where he is going to go or go, he is still sad at the thought of separation. When dependent goes on a trip for several weeks, it is very unpleasant for him to leave his family, home, work; but, once in a new place, he will soon get used to it and will experience the same sadness when the time comes to part with this place and new acquaintances.
Sadness is the strongest emotion you have to go through. dependent... He feels it in the most secret depths of the soul, unable to understand or explain where it comes from. In order not to feel this sadness, he seeks the company of other people. But he can go to the other extreme - to retire, leave a person or a situation that causes him sadness and a feeling of loneliness. He does not realize that at the same time he is leaving someone. In moments of crisis, he can reach the thought of suicide. As a rule, he only talks about it, trying to scare others, but he does not get to the point, because, in essence, he is looking only for support, sympathy. If he attempts to commit suicide, it is unsuccessful. But if, after several attempts, no one sympathizes with him and does not support him, he can really commit suicide.
Dependent afraid of all bosses and powerful people. People with an imperious voice or imperious manners seem to him cold and indifferent, and they do not seem to notice him at all, insignificant. For the same reason, he is very kind and friendly with others, sometimes even excessively and forcedly. He hopes that this behavior will make others friendly and considerate, rather than cold and arrogant.
Dependent often uses the words "one" and "absent." Talking about childhood, for example, he says that he was often left alone, that his father and mother were absent. He may admit that he is suffering from loneliness, experiencing severe anxiety, fear of being abandoned. It seems to him that life would be incomparably better if someone was nearby. You can feel lonely, but not suffer from it. The degree of anxiety reflects the strength of suffering. The feeling of loneliness generates in the suffering person a certain haste, tension; he is afraid that what he longs for will not get it or it will be taken away from him at any moment. What's behind the feeling of loneliness? The one who suffers from it, unconsciously fenced off from the one whom he would like to see next to him. He does not open his soul in order to accept these people into it - for fear that he will not withstand contact with them. He is also afraid of the emotions that may arise in response to their attention. Such behavior is not uncommon and it is easy to notice: a person clearly interferes with his own happiness. As soon as the relationship gets closer, he looks for a way to end it.
Addicted people easily give vent to tears, especially when it comes to their misfortunes and problems. In their sobs, one can hear accusations against others who have abandoned them at a difficult moment. They blame themselves Of God for leaving them. They do not want to see how often they themselves leave others. They do not realize how many beginnings they give up halfway. Their ego constantly plays evil jokes with them - as, indeed, with all of us.
Dependent feels the need for the presence and attention of others, but does not notice how often he denies others what he requires for himself. For example, he likes to sit in a chair and read a book, but he hates it when his spouse does the same. He loves to go somewhere alone, to retire, but if a person close to him does the same, he feels abandoned and unhappy. He thinks, “Of course, I don’t such an important person to take me with you "... He is equally painful in the situation when he is not invited to any meeting or meeting where, for all reasons, he should have been invited; he is deeply discouraged - he has been abandoned, no one needs him.
Dependent has a habit of physically clinging to a loved one. A child, a little girl clings to dad, a boy clings to mom. In a married couple dependent holds the hand of another, presses or touches him frequently. Standing on your feet dependent usually looking for support - wall, doorframe, etc. Yes, and sitting, he strives to lean on his elbows, to lean, to fall apart - just not to keep straight; it seems that his back cannot withstand its own weight and leans forward.
When in a public meeting you see a person trying to attract attention to himself, take a closer look at his body and you can determine if he is suffering. addiction... In my seminars, there are always people who want to find out something privately - during breaks, before or after classes. And every time I see a mask dependent... I usually ask them to ask their questions during the class, because the questions are sensible and are of general interest to all participants. But a new lesson begins, and they often neglect my request. The fact is that they are really interested only in my attention, addressed personally to them. Sometimes I offer these patients a private therapy in which they can get as much attention as they want; but this path is also not strewn with flowers: their wound is not so much healed as it receives additional nourishment.
Another way to gain attention is to win a position or position that opens up access to a wider audience. Many singers, actors, circus performers and other workers of the stage and theater world, performing in front of a large audience, are dependent people. For them, the main thing is to be a star, and it doesn't matter in what role.
In private consultations dependent more than anyone is inclined to transfer to your therapist. In essence, he seeks the support and sympathy from the doctor that his parent or spouse has denied him. A friend of mine, a psychologist, told me how her patient gave her a scene of jealousy when she told him that for the next two weeks she would leave with her husband on vacation and her colleague would conduct the sessions instead of her. It was through this scene that she discovered that the patient had transferred his feelings to her. After checking, it turned out that he is typical dependent... I take this opportunity here to warn anyone who has to provide psychological help to others: be especially careful with patients experiencing the trauma of the abandoned person - you run the risk of being transplanted.
Dependent easily identifies himself, “merges” with others and therefore tends to consider himself responsible for their happiness or unhappiness, just as he considers them responsible for his troubles and joys. Such a mentally unbalanced person deeply feels the emotions of other people and easily succumbs to their influx. The desire to merge gives rise to all kinds of fears and may even lead to agoraphobia... I will repeat here the description of agoraphobia from my book « Your body says: Love yourself!»
This phobia is a painful fear of open spaces and crowded places. This is the most common of the phobias. Women suffer from it twice as often as men. Many men hide their agoraphobia with alcohol. They prefer to become alcoholics, just not to show this strong and uncontrollable fear. Agoraphobe often complains of constant anxiety and especially - anxiety, sometimes reaching panic. An alarming situation causes reactions in the agoraphobe - physiological, which can cause panic (palpitations, fainting, muscle tension or weakness, sweating, shortness of breath, nausea, urinary incontinence, etc.), cognitive (a feeling of unusualness, foreignness; fear of losing control, getting off mind, go through public humiliation, lose consciousness, die, etc.) and behavioral (avoiding situations that can cause anxiety, as well as avoiding places that seem too far from a safe haven or a reliable person). Most agoraphobes suffer from hypoglycemia.
The fear and emotions of the agoraphobe are so strong that they tend to avoid situations that are difficult to get out of. Therefore, he must always see a loved one next to him, who will help to be saved in difficult times; you also need a safe haven where you can always hide. There are some agoraphobes who eventually stop leaving the house altogether. They always find the most valid reasons for this. Their terrible premonitions never come true. Most agoraphobes in childhood were deeply dependent on their mother and felt responsible for her happiness, as well as obligated to help her in her role as a mother. Agoraphob can significantly improve his emotional state if he can improve his relationship with his mother.
Agoraphobes experience their greatest fear when they think of death or insanity. After seeing the agoraphobes that I met in almost all of my seminars over the years, I came up with some interesting generalizations about agoraphobia that have helped hundreds of people with it. Their fears go back to childhood, in which they had to endure loneliness, isolation. Favorable conditions for the development of agoraphobia arise when among relatives and friends there is an increased mortality or cases of insanity. Perhaps the agoraphobe himself experienced the nearness of death in childhood, or someone's death or madness made too strong an impression on the whole family.
The agoraphobe experiences fear of death at all levels, although he is not really aware of it. He considers himself unable to endure changes in any area, since they represent for him a symbolic death. This is why the actual changes in his life cause him to experience severe anxiety attacks and aggravate agoraphobia. Such changes can be transitions from childhood to adolescence and then from adolescence to maturity, from single life to married life, change of job, relocation, pregnancy, accident, divorce, birth and death of loved ones, etc.
For many years, his worries can be hidden and unconscious, but in a situation where the blocks of his mental and emotional control cannot withstand, the agoraphobe will no longer be able to contain his fears, and they will become conscious and obvious.
Agoraphobe is also characterized by unlimited and uncontrollable imagination. He imagines situations that go far beyond reality, and feels that he cannot cope with these visions. This unaccountable mental activity confuses him - he hesitates even to talk about it, fearing to be branded as crazy. It is very important to understand that this is not insanity, but just excessive and poorly controlled sensitivity.
If you recognize yourself in the characteristics listed above, then know that this is not madness and that they do not die from it. Just as a child, you too opened your soul to the emotions of other people, you believed that you were responsible for their happiness and their failures. As a result, you became too nervous, because you cannot constantly be on your guard and prevent all other people's misfortunes. This is why you catch the emotions and fears of other people when you are in a crowded place. The most important thing for you is to learn to understand responsibility correctly. The responsibility you have believed in until now does not suit you. The correct concept of responsibility is included as an integral part of all training courses of the center Listen to your body.
Dependent the type of character I ascertained in the majority of agoraphobes whom I have met so far. If you turn to the above description of agoraphobia, you will find there a mention of the fear of death and insanity. When dependent someone dear to him dies, he feels abandoned. Each time it becomes more and more difficult for him to accept someone else's death, since each death raises his trauma of the abandoned one and intensifies agoraphobia. I have found that a person who is dominated by the trauma of the abandoned has an especially strong fear of death; if the trauma of betrayal prevails, then the fear of insanity is stronger. I will talk about the trauma of betrayal in the fifth chapter.
Dependent mother prone to merging, longs for love from her child and does everything to make him feel how much she thinks about him. The love of other people, especially close ones, supports dependent helps them stand on their feet. I have heard from addicts: “I can’t stand it when someone doesn’t love me; I am ready for anything to settle the situation "... When the addict says: "This is very important, call me and let me know when you have news." then what he really wants to say is: "When you call me, I feel important."... By all means he tries to get others to make him feel needed, to be reckoned with; he himself cannot believe it.
When dependent faces the problems that his addiction creates, at such moments he wants to be independent. Considering oneself independent is a very common reaction in dependent; they love to tell others how independent they are! Meanwhile, from this, the trauma of the abandoned person only intensifies and is even more masked, since distracting conversations do not heal it.
For example, dependent a man, man or woman, does not want to have a child, hiding behind a desire to maintain his independence. Often dependent a man in this way hides his fear that the child will take away his wife's attention. Dependent a woman is more often afraid that she will be crushed by all the responsibilities that the birth of a child imposes on her. On the other hand, if she wants to have children, she prefers the period when they are small and most dependent on her. It helps her feel important. In fact, dependent what is needed is autonomy, not independence. In the last chapter, I'll show you how to achieve this.
Similar behavior is typical for dependent and in sex life. He often uses sex to bind others more tightly to him. This is especially popular with women. When dependent the person sees that the partner wants her, she feels more important. I can say that of the five types, the one who is afraid of being abandoned most loves sex. Usually he wants sex more than a partner, and it is often possible to notice that it is those who more than others who complain about the lack of sexual pleasures who suffer the trauma of the abandoned and wear a mask. dependent.
If dependent a woman does not want love pleasures, then she will not tell her husband about it. She will prefer to imitate pleasure, since she does not want to miss the opportunity to feel desired. I also knew women who were happy with life as a threesome, when each knew that her husband was making love to the other in the next room. Dependent the man pretends not to know anything about his wife's lover. These people prefer to endure such situations in order not to be abandoned. They prefer not of their own free will - they just are ready for anything, just not to lose their spouse.
As for nutrition, then dependent can eat a lot without gaining weight. Since he is inwardly tuned in to the fact that he always lacks everything, then his body receives the corresponding message during the meal. And reacts accordingly. When a person eats very little but thinks they are overeating, their body receives a message of overeating and reacts as if they have eaten too much. As a result, the body gains weight.
In the previous chapter, I mentioned that fugitive prone to anorexia, and dependent- to bulimia. My observations allow me to conclude that when dependent the man suffers from bulimia, he "eats" his mother: he misses her painfully. When does bulimia appear in dependent woman, then she lacks a father. If these dependent there is no substitute for the missing parent, then they commit carryover for food. By the way, they very often use the words "devour", "absorb": "This child is consuming all my energy." or "All my time is consumed by the service".
Dependent prefers soft foods. As a rule, he eats a lot of bread with pleasure, which for him symbolizes the earth as a nurse. He loves a leisurely meal, especially if others are participating in the meal with him, he tries to prolong this pleasant process and attention to himself. On the contrary, alone, and even more so outside the home, dependent takes food reluctantly. Being at odds with the word "leave", dependent always tries not to leave anything on the plate. All this happens outside of his consciousness.
With regard to physical health, then dependent are distinguished, especially in childhood, by frequent illnesses, weakness, and a frail physique. Below is a list of the diseases that most threaten persons with an abandoned trauma.
ASTHMA is a disease characterized by labored, painful breathing. Metaphysically, this illness indicates that a person takes more than he should, and gives with great difficulty.
Problems with BRONCHES are also very likely, as the bronchi are metaphysically related to the family. If dependent suffers from bronchial diseases, this indicates his family dissatisfaction: it seems to him that he receives too little from the family, that he depends too much on it. He would like to believe that he has a strong place in the family, and not to fuss, coveting this place.
Influenced by your fusional subpersonality dependent attracts to itself the problems of the PANCREAS (hypoglycemia and diabetes) and ADRENALS. His entire digestive system is unstable, because he considers his food inadequate, even if it is physically quite normal. Despite the fact that the deficiency exists only on the emotional plane, his physical body receives messages about the lack of food and reacts accordingly - reflects the mental state.
Myopia in dependent is also very common. It represents an inability to see far, and this is associated with fear of the future and especially with a reluctance to face the future alone.
Dependent who too cherish his sacrificial subpersonality can bring himself to Hysteria. Psychologists say that a hysterical personality is like a child who is afraid that his pacifier will be taken away and left alone. Therefore, such a person is inclined to loudly demonstrate his emotions.
Many dependent DEPRESSION develops when their trauma causes them great suffering and they feel helpless - not getting the love they crave. This is also a way to attract attention to yourself.
Dependent suffers from MIGRAINS, because it prevents himself from being himself, blocks his “I am”. He fusses too much, resorts to all sorts of tricks, just to be what others want to see him, or almost completely lives in the shadow of the people who love him.
I also noticed that dependent very often they attract RARE DISEASES that require special attention, or the so-called UNCUREABLE DISEASES. Let me remind you that when medicine declares some disease incurable, then, in fact, she reports that science has not yet found reliable remedies for this disease.
The diseases and ailments listed above can also occur in people with other types of trauma, but they are most common in those experiencing the trauma of the abandoned person.
If you see the trauma of the abandoned one, then I must remind you that this wound was activated by your parent of the opposite sex and that every person of the opposite sex continues to resent it. And a completely natural and human reaction is your anger at your parent and other persons of the opposite sex. I will repeat here what is written in many of my other books:
As long as we continue to be angry with the parent (even unconsciously), until then our relationships with people of the same sex as this parent will be difficult.
I suggest that you check and see for yourself that this parent has experienced the same trauma with a parent of the opposite sex (that is, the same gender as you). All these traumas are repeated from generation to generation (which explains the phenomenon of heredity), and this will continue until the wheel of karma is stopped; and for this it is necessary that all our relationships are built and developed in true love.
Do you remember that the main cause of trauma lies in the inability of a person to forgive himself for the wrong done to himself or to someone else. It is difficult for him to forgive himself because usually he does not even realize that he is hoarding anger for himself. The heavier your wound of being abandoned, the more reliable it means that you left yourself (that is, surrendered) or that you left other people, situations, projects. We reproach others for everything that we do ourselves, but we do not want to notice... For this reason, we also attract people who show us how we behave with others and with ourselves.
Another means of realizing that we have left ourselves or another person is shame. Indeed, we experience a sense of shame when we want to hide or hide our behavior. It's okay to find shameful behavior for which we judge others. And I especially do not want them to convict us of such behavior.
So it is extremely important to settle our relationship with parents as soon as possible - this is the only way we can stop reproducing the same pattern of the situation. Even medical scientists and psychologists have identified and explained the repetition of certain behaviors and destructive diseases from generation to generation. They established that there are dynasties of diabetics, heart patients, asthmatics, as well as families of hereditary rapists, incestors, alcoholics, etc.
If you find the traits in yourself dependent, but you don’t think that you were deprived of the attention of the parent of the opposite sex - rather, on the contrary, this attention was excessive, then this is probably what happened. The attention you received was not of the sort that you wanted. It almost strangled you.
I can give an example with my eldest son; he is already an adult, but his body betrays the trauma of the abandoned one. But of my three children, it was he who received the maximum attention from me in childhood, because at that time I did not have work outside the home and I was with him all the time. On the other hand, I was too harsh and harsh with him in situations that, in his opinion, did not justify it. I didn’t let him down, I watched his every step, because I wanted to make him a perfect human being - in accordance with my concept of perfection. Today I understand that this was not at all the attention he craved. He survived the trauma of the abandoned one, and I consider it normal to be angry with me in those years. I now know that this experience was part of his life plan and that we had to understand some things together. He needed a mother like me to go through the process of forgiving someone who left him, and I needed a son like him to help me finish a similar situation with my father. We'll come back to this topic in the chapter on betrayal.
Spiritual laws say that if a person experiences a certain experience not in love, then he will have to return to Earth again and experience the same experience again. He returns with the same soul, but plays different roles. And all this is only in order to get the opportunity to solve problems that were not solved by him in previous lives.
Remember that the characteristics and behaviors described in this chapter only arise when the traumatized abandoned person chooses to wear the mask of an addict in the hope of avoiding suffering. Depending on the severity of the injury and the intensity of the pain, the mask may be worn occasionally or very often. .
Typical for dependent forms of behavior are dictated by the fear of the possibility of a new experience of the trauma of the abandoned one. It may, however, happen that you find in yourself some, but not all of the characteristics that I described above. The coincidence of all these characteristics in one person is almost unbelievable. Each of the five traumas has its own forms of behavior and internal attitudes. The ways of thinking, feeling, speaking and business manners that characterize each trauma determine the person's response to everything that happens in his life. A person in a state of reaction is not focused, not balanced, does not dwell in his heart and cannot be either good or happy. Therefore, it is very important to be aware of those moments when you are yourself, and when you are in a state of reaction. Having achieved this awareness, you get the opportunity to become the master of your life, and not give control of it to your fears.
The purpose of this chapter was to help you become aware of your abandoned trauma. If you recognize yourself in a mask dependent, then in the last chapter you will find all the information you need to heal this trauma, become yourself and not think that your whole life is filled with the torment of the abandoned. If you do not find this trauma in yourself, then I advise you to contact those who know you well and make sure that they agree with you. As I mentioned, the trauma of the abandoned person can be minor; in this case, you can only notice certain characteristic features in yourself. Let me remind you that first of all you should trust the physical description, since the physical body never lies, unlike us - we can very easily deceive ourselves.
If you see this injury in someone from your environment, do not try to remake this person. Instead, use everything you learn from this book to build more empathy for him, to better understand his reactive behavior. Do not retell this book in your own words; it is better for those who are interested in this area to read it themselves.
Characteristics of the LOST trauma
Injury awakening: Between one and three years old, with a parent of the opposite sex. Lack of emotional or certain type of nutrition.
Mask: Dependent.
Body: Elongated, thin, lacking tone, drooping; the legs are weak, the back is bent, the arms seem excessively long and hang down along the body, some parts of the body look flabby, sagging.
Eyes: Big, sad. Eye-catching.
Dictionary:“Absent” “one” “can't stand” “eat” “don't leave”.
Character: Victim. Inclined to merge with someone or something. Needs presence, attention, support, reinforcement. Difficulty doing or deciding alone. Seeks advice, but does not always follow it. Children's voice. She painfully perceives refusals. Sadness. Cries easily. Causes pity. Sometimes joyful, sometimes sad. Physically clings to others. Nervous. Pop star. Strives for independence. Loves sex.
Most afraid of: Loneliness.
Nutrition: A good appetite. Bulimia. Loves soft foods. Eats slowly.
Typical diseases: Back pain asthma bronchitis migraines hypoglycemia agoraphobia diabetes adrenal diseases myopia hysteria depression rare diseases (requiring long-term attention) incurable diseases.
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