5 reasons preventing you from being yourself. Liz Burbo five injuries that prevent you from being yourself

Trauma of the abandoned

BODY OF THE DEPENDENT (Abandoned Injury)

Leaving someone also means leaving him, leaving him, not wanting to do it anymore. Many people confuse the concepts of “reject” and “leave”. If one of the spouses, for example, decided to reject the other, he pushes him away, drives him away, does not want to see him next to him. If he decided to leave his partner, then he leaves him, leaves, retires - temporarily or irrevocably.

The abandoned person experiences their trauma primarily at the “have” and “do” levels, and not at the “be” level characteristic of the rejected. Here are some typical situations that trigger the trauma of the abandoned child.

Your toddler may feel abandoned:

If his mom is suddenly very busy with a new baby. This feeling is especially acute in cases where a newborn baby is sick or requires special care. It seems to the abandoned one that his mother has completely left him and deals only with the newborn, that it will always be so now, that he will no longer have his old mother.

If parents go to work every day and are with him for a very short time.

When he is hospitalized, not allowing his parents to be with him in the hospital. He cannot understand what is happening. He may remember that he behaved badly before this happened, and he will suspect that his parents want to get rid of him, that they are tired of him; in this case, loneliness becomes especially painful. There, in the hospital, he may decide that his parents have left him forever, and even if they visit him every day, the pain of the first suffering, remaining in his memory, will dominate every time. It is this pain that prompts him to create a mask for himself that will protect him from the repetition of suffering.

When parents give it away for the duration of their vacation - even to a grandmother - for supervision.

If his mother is constantly sick, and his father is absent or too busy to deal with him. The child is left to himself, whether he wants it or not.

I knew a woman who experienced extreme fear at the age of eighteen when her father died. The pain of the loss was multiplied tenfold by the fact that for several years the mother had reminded her daughter that she would kick her out of the house when she came of age, that is, at the age of 21. Rejected by her mother, her daughter now felt abandoned by her father. Horror gripped her: "How am I going to live without my dad, where can I go when I am kicked out of my parents' house and I am left all alone?"

Many people who carry the trauma of being abandoned confirm that they suffered from a lack of communication with a parent of the opposite sex as a child. They found him too withdrawn and accused him of giving the other parent all the power. In most cases, these children believed that the parent of the opposite sex was not interested in them.

In my experience, the trauma of the abandoned person is inflicted by the parent of the opposite sex.... On the other hand, I noticed that often the trauma of the abandoned child is combined with the trauma of the rejected. The child feels rejected by the parent of the same gender and at the same time abandoned by the parent of the opposite sex - the latter, in his opinion, should have been more concerned with him, the child, and not let the other parent reject him. A child may have an experience in which he feels abandoned by a parent of the same gender, but in reality he is experiencing the trauma of the parent rejected by that parent. How can it be? The fact is that a parent of the same gender, who does not pay attention to him, behaves this way because he rejects himself - and this is what the child feels in the very depths of his soul. When a parent rejects himself and has a child of the same sex, it is perfectly normal and human for him to reject that child, perhaps unconsciously, since the child constantly reminds him of his old trauma. The example of a woman who lost her father at the age of eighteen well illustrates this double trauma - rejected and abandoned.

With a deeper study of the characters, you will realize that most people have several injuries; however, the level of pain from them is not the same.

Anyone who carries the trauma of the abandoned person is constantly experiencing emotional hunger. A lack of physical nutrition can cause the same trauma, usually before the age of two. Trying to hide this trauma from himself, the human being creates a mask DEPENDENT... In what follows, I will use the word dependent to refer to a person suffering from the trauma of the abandoned.

For the mask dependent lack of tone in the body is characteristic. A long, thin, drooping body indicates severe trauma to the abandoned person. The muscular system is underdeveloped; from the outside it seems that she cannot keep her body upright, that a person needs help. The body always externally accurately expresses what is happening inside. Dependent I am sure that he is not able to achieve anything on his own, that he absolutely needs someone's support. And his entire body expresses this need for support. V dependent the child who wants to help is easily visible.

Large sad eyes also betray the trauma of the abandoned; they seem to be trying to get our attention. Weak legs and long arms hanging along the side of the body give the impression of helplessness. A person does not seem to know what to do with his hands, especially when they are looking at him. Another feature of the mask dependent- the location of some parts of the body is below normal. Sometimes the back is crooked, as if the spine is unable to keep it straight. Other parts of the body also look drooping, flabby - shoulders, breasts, buttocks, cheeks, abdomen, scrotum in men, etc.

As you can see, the most impressive sign dependent- severely reduced muscle tone and the whole body. As soon as you see a flaccid, relaxed part of the body, you can be sure that the person is wearing a mask. dependent, behind which the trauma of the abandoned creature is hidden.

Remember: the thickness of the mask determines the intensity of the injury. A person with a pronounced dependence has all of the above signs. If some of these signs are absent, then the wound is not so deep. It is important to know that a person's physical fullness and lack of tone in certain parts of the body, as well as his excess weight, are signs of a different kind of injury, which will be discussed in the following chapters; here we are talking about the trauma of the abandoned, and it is characterized by a general reduced tone.

You should also learn to distinguish masks well. fugitive and dependent... Look, somewhere in your environment there are two little people - fugitive and dependent... Both can have thin wrists and ankles. The main difference is in tone. Fugitive, for all its small stature and fragility, it is distinguished by good posture; dependent it looks weak, flabby, exhausted. Fugitive makes the impression that his skin is tightly stretched over the bones, but the muscular system, even if it is not developed, works reliably; at dependent more flesh, but lacks tone.

If a person suffers from both of these injuries, you can find some signs in his body. fugitive and some - dependent... The trait that catches the eye first determines the dominant trauma.

Studying others to identify their traumas is an excellent exercise for developing intuition. Since the body can tell us so much about the personality, more and more people seek to change their physical appearance, using all available means - aesthetic surgery, weightlifting, etc. But if a person tries to hide his real body from others, this means that he wants to hide exactly those injuries that correspond to the masked body parts.

It is only through intuition that we can detect these modified body parts. I have dealt with such people more than once. For example, during a consultation, I notice that my patient has beautiful, firm breasts, although when she entered, I thought that this woman's breasts should have saggy breasts. It looked like a short flash. I used to trust my intuition, so I ask: “It's strange, I'm looking at you and I see beautiful strong breasts, but before that it seemed to me that they were small and saggy; maybe you did the operation? " The woman confirms that she really turned to aesthetic surgery, because she did not like her breasts.

Certain signs, especially muscle tone - in both women and men - can be much more difficult to spot due to bras, shoulder or buttock pads, and other accessories designed to mislead interested observers. Well, at least the one who looks in the mirror cannot deceive himself. Be that as it may, I recommend trusting your first impression.

I know men who have been involved in weightlifting since adolescence, but despite their impressive muscles, an attentive eye will notice a lack of tone in them. We all have seen more than once how settled, shapeless the bodies of some athletes become at the end of physical exercises: this happens only with dependent... If a person has hidden his trauma with the help of physical means, this does not mean at all that he has healed it. Let me remind you of the analogy with the wound that I talked about in the first chapter: if a person hid the wound under a bandage, put his hand in his pocket or took it behind his back, then the wound will not heal from this.

Of the five different types of injured dependent most prone to becoming a victim. Chances are very high that one of his parents - and possibly both - were also victims. A victim is a person who always has a tendency to create problems for themselves - primarily health problems - in order to attract attention to themselves. This meets the needs dependent who constantly thinks that they receive too little attention. When he seems to be trying his best to gain attention, he is actually looking for opportunities to feel important enough to gain support. It seems to him that if he fails to attract the attention of such and such a person, then he will not be able to count on him. This phenomenon is clearly seen in dependent when they are still very young. An addicted child wants to be sure that if he does something wrong, then someone will definitely help him out of trouble.

Such a personality dramatizes everything too much; the slightest incident takes on gigantic proportions. If, for example, the husband did not call his wife and say that he would be home late, she assumes the worst and does not understand why he did not call and made her suffer so much. Looking at a person who behaves like a victim, you sometimes wonder how he manages to create so many problems for himself. But myself dependent does not see a big trouble in these problems: they bring him the most valuable gift - the attention of other people. This way he manages not to feel abandoned. After all, being abandoned for him is incomparably more painful than experiencing problems created by him. Only another person can truly understand it. dependent... The more obvious a victim looks like a person, the more severe his injury, the trauma of the abandoned one.

I have established another pattern: the victim very often and willingly plays the role of a savior. For example, dependent seeks to take on the responsibilities of a father towards his brothers and sisters, or seeks an opportunity to save someone he loves from trouble. These are more subtle ways to attract attention to yourself. On the other hand, if dependent does a lot of services to another person, while usually counting on compliments, wants to feel like an important person. Such a desire often becomes the cause of back illnesses, since other people's responsibilities are shouldered.

Have dependent periods of ups and downs alternate. For a while he feels happy, everything is going well, and then suddenly he becomes sad and unhappy. He even asks himself why this is happening, because changes happen for no apparent reason. With a good search, he may discover his fear and loneliness.

Support from others is a form of help in which dependent has the most urgent need... Regardless of whether it is difficult or easy for him to make decisions on his own, he usually turns to others first, asking for their opinion or approval. He needs a sense of support in his decisions. Because of this, it may seem that people of this type find it difficult to decide on something specific, but in fact they doubt their decision only in those cases when they do not feel support for themselves. Their expectations of others depend on how these others can help them. Anyway, for dependent real physical assistance is not so important as the feeling of support for his deeds and intentions from another person. When supported, he perceives it as help and love.

Dependent May seem lazy due to the fact that he does not like to be active or physically working alone; he needs someone's presence, if only for moral support. If he does something for others, he expects reciprocal affection. If his expectations are met and a pleasant relationship develops, he tries to prolong this state. When the collaboration ends, he says: "What a pity that this is over."... He perceives the end of something pleasant as if he was abandoned.

A dependent personality with victim traits, especially a woman, tends to ask many questions and often has a childish tone of voice. This is seen in those situations when she asks for help; she has difficulty accepting a refusal and usually insists on her request. The more she suffers, having received a refusal, the more persistently she seeks means to achieve her goal, uses manipulation, is capricious, blackmails, etc.

Dependent often asks for advice, as he is not sure of his ability to complete the task on his own, but he rarely listens to the advice received. In the end, he does what he wanted, because, in fact, he did not need advice, but support. When he walks with other people, he lets them go ahead, as he prefers to be led. He believes that if he does his job well himself, then no one else will do it, and then there will be isolation, loneliness, and this he wants to avoid at any cost.

Loneliness and really scares dependent more than anything else. He is convinced that he cannot cope with loneliness. Therefore, he clings to others and does everything to win their attention. He resorts to all sorts of tricks, if only he was loved, if only they did not leave alone. For this, he endures the most painful situations for a long time and patiently. His fear is expressed by such thoughts: “What am I going to do alone? What will happen to me? How can I be? " He is often torn apart by internal conflicts, because, on the one hand, he requires a lot of attention, and on the other, he is afraid to demand it, as this can burden and irritate others, and then they will leave him. O dependent judged by how he withstands prolonged suffering, and conclude that he loves this suffering. In fact, he does not accept them. Look at a woman who is beaten by her husband or who lives with an alcoholic. Most likely, it is easier for her to endure this nightmare than to remain lonely. She lives with hope, emotional, illusory hope. She does not acknowledge her trauma: if she did, she would have to relive the suffering that trauma represents.

The dependent person has the most powerful ability not to see problems in their partner. She prefers to believe that everything is in order, as she is afraid of being abandoned. If a partner announces that he is leaving her, she suffers incredibly, because, not wanting to see problems, she did not expect it. If this is your case, if you see yourself clinging, currying out of fear of being alone, give yourself support. Find some mental image, imagine something that supports you. Do not give up when moments of despair come and it seems that no one can help you. Yes, sometimes it happens that there is no way out, but there is always a way out. If you can give yourself support, light will appear and you will find a way out.

Dependent does not like the word "leave". For example, when a person with him says to him: "I need to leave, I need to leave you", at dependent the heart contracts. The mere word “leave”, even heard on the phone, raises a storm of emotions in him. In order for him not to feel abandoned, the partner must explain to him the reason for his leaving, without using the words “leave” or “leave”.

When dependent he feels abandoned, he is sure that he means too little, that he is not worthy of the attention of another person. Being in the company dependent person, I have noticed many times: as soon as I look at my watch to check the time (and with my busy schedule, I do it often), his face changes. I can feel how this simple gesture hurts him. Dependent automatically concludes that my affairs are more important to me than he.

It is difficult for such a person to leave the place or part with the company. Even if he feels good where he is going to go or go, he is still sad at the thought of separation. When dependent goes on a trip for several weeks, it is very unpleasant for him to leave his family, home, work; but, once in a new place, he will soon get used to it and will experience the same sadness when the time comes to part with this place and new acquaintances.

Sadness is the strongest emotion you have to go through. dependent... He feels it in the most secret depths of the soul, unable to understand or explain where it comes from. In order not to feel this sadness, he seeks the company of other people. But he can go to the other extreme - to retire, leave a person or a situation that causes him sadness and a feeling of loneliness. He does not realize that at the same time he is leaving someone. In moments of crisis, he can reach the thought of suicide. As a rule, he only talks about it, trying to scare others, but he does not get to the point, because, in essence, he is looking only for support, sympathy. If he attempts to commit suicide, it is unsuccessful. But if, after several attempts, no one sympathizes with him and does not support him, he can really commit suicide.

Dependent afraid of all bosses and powerful people. People with an imperious voice or imperious manners seem to him cold and indifferent, and they do not seem to notice him at all, insignificant. For the same reason, he is very kind and friendly with others, sometimes even excessively and forcedly. He hopes that this behavior will make others friendly and considerate, rather than cold and arrogant.

Dependent often uses the words "one" and "absent." Talking about childhood, for example, he says that he was often left alone, that his father and mother were absent. He may admit that he is suffering from loneliness, experiencing severe anxiety, fear of being abandoned. It seems to him that life would be incomparably better if someone was nearby. You can feel lonely, but not suffer from it. The degree of anxiety reflects the strength of suffering. The feeling of loneliness generates in a suffering person a certain haste, tension; he is afraid that what he longs for will not get it or it will be taken away from him at any moment. What's behind the feeling of loneliness? The one who suffers from it, unconsciously fenced off from the one whom he would like to see next to him. He does not open his soul in order to accept these people into it - for fear that he will not withstand contact with them. He is also afraid of the emotions that may arise in response to their attention. Such behavior is not uncommon and it is easy to notice: a person clearly interferes with his own happiness. As soon as the relationship gets closer, he looks for a way to end it.

Addicted people easily give vent to tears, especially when it comes to their misfortunes and problems. In their sobs, one can hear accusations against others who have abandoned them at a difficult moment. They blame themselves Of God for leaving them. They do not want to see how often they themselves leave others. They do not realize how many beginnings they give up halfway. Their ego constantly plays evil jokes with them - as, indeed, with all of us.

Dependent feels the need for the presence and attention of others, but does not notice how often he denies others what he requires for himself. He loves, for example, to sit in a chair and read a book, but he hates it when his spouse does the same. He loves to go somewhere alone, to retire, but if a person close to him does the same, he feels abandoned and unhappy. He thinks, “Of course, I don’t such an important person to take me with you "... He is equally painful in the situation when he is not invited to any meeting or meeting where, for all reasons, he should have been invited; he is deeply discouraged - he has been abandoned, no one needs him.

Dependent has a habit of physically clinging to a loved one. A child, a little girl clings to dad, a boy clings to mom. In a married couple dependent holds the hand of another, presses or touches him frequently. Standing on your feet dependent usually looking for support - wall, doorframe, etc. Yes, and sitting, he strives to lean on his elbows, to lean, to fall apart - just not to keep straight; it seems that his back cannot withstand its own weight and leans forward.

When in a public meeting you see a person trying to attract attention to himself, take a closer look at his body and you can determine if he is suffering. addiction... In my seminars, there are always people who want to find out something privately - during breaks, before or after classes. And every time I see a mask dependent... I usually ask them to ask their questions during the class, because the questions are sensible and are of general interest to all participants. But a new lesson begins, and they often neglect my request. The fact is that they are really interested only in my attention, addressed personally to them. Sometimes I offer these patients a private therapy in which they can get as much attention as they want; but this path is also not strewn with flowers: their wound is not so much healed as it receives additional nourishment.

Another way to gain attention is to win a position or position that opens up access to a wider audience. Many singers, actors, circus performers and other workers of the stage and theatrical world, performing in front of a large audience, are dependent people. For them, the main thing is to be a star, and it doesn't matter in what role.

In private consultations dependent more than anyone is inclined to transfer to your therapist. In essence, he seeks the support and sympathy from the doctor that his parent or spouse has denied him. A friend of mine, a psychologist, told me how her patient gave her a scene of jealousy when she told him that for the next two weeks she would leave with her husband on vacation and her colleague would conduct the sessions instead of her. It was through this scene that she discovered that the patient had transferred his feelings to her. After checking, it turned out that he is typical dependent... I take this opportunity here to warn anyone who has to provide psychological help to others: be especially careful with patients experiencing the trauma of the abandoned person - you run the risk of being transplanted.

Dependent easily identifies himself, “merges” with others and therefore tends to consider himself responsible for their happiness or unhappiness, just as he considers them responsible for his troubles and joys. Such a mentally unbalanced person deeply feels the emotions of other people and easily succumbs to their influx. The desire to merge gives rise to all kinds of fears and can even lead to agoraphobia... I will repeat here the description of agoraphobia from my book « Your body says: Love yourself!»

This phobia is a painful fear of open spaces and crowded places. This is the most common of the phobias. Women suffer from it twice as often as men. Many men hide their agoraphobia with alcohol. They prefer to become alcoholics, just not to show this strong and uncontrollable fear. Agoraphobe often complains of constant anxiety and especially - anxiety, sometimes reaching panic. An alarming situation causes reactions in the agoraphobe - physiological, which can cause panic (palpitations, fainting, muscle tension or weakness, sweating, shortness of breath, nausea, urinary incontinence, etc.), cognitive (a feeling of unusualness, foreignness; fear of losing control, getting off mind, go through public humiliation, lose consciousness, die, etc.) and behavioral (avoiding situations that can cause anxiety, as well as avoiding places that seem too far from a saving shelter or a reliable person). Most agoraphobes suffer from hypoglycemia.

The fear and emotions of the agoraphobe are so strong that they tend to avoid situations that are difficult to get out of. Therefore, he must always see a loved one next to him, who will help to be saved in difficult times; you also need a safe haven where you can always hide. There are also agoraphobes who eventually stop leaving the house altogether. They always find the most valid reasons for this. Their terrible premonitions never come true. Most agoraphobes in childhood were deeply dependent on their mother and felt responsible for her happiness, as well as obligated to help her in her role as a mother. Agoraphob can significantly improve his emotional state if he manages to establish a relationship with his mother.

Agoraphobes experience their greatest fear when they think of death or insanity. After seeing the agoraphobes that I met in almost all of my seminars over the years, I came up with some interesting generalizations about agoraphobia that have helped hundreds of people with it. Their fears go back to childhood, in which they had to endure loneliness, isolation. Favorable conditions for the development of agoraphobia arise when there is an increased mortality rate or cases of insanity among relatives and friends. Perhaps the agoraphobe himself experienced the nearness of death in childhood, or someone's death or insanity made too strong an impression on the whole family.

The agoraphobe experiences fear of death at all levels, although he is not really aware of it. He considers himself unable to endure changes in any area, since they represent a symbolic death for him. This is why the actual changes in his life cause him to experience severe anxiety attacks and aggravate agoraphobia. Such changes can be transitions from childhood to adolescence and then from adolescence to maturity, from single life to married life, change of job, relocation, pregnancy, accident, divorce, birth and death of loved ones, etc.

For many years, his anxieties can be hidden and unconscious, but in a situation where the blocks of his mental and emotional control cannot withstand, the agoraphobe will no longer be able to contain his fears, and they will become conscious and obvious.

Agoraphobe is also characterized by unlimited and uncontrollable imagination. He imagines situations that go far beyond reality, and feels that he cannot cope with these visions. This unaccountable mental activity confuses him - he hesitates even to talk about it, for fear of being branded as crazy. It is very important to understand that this is not insanity, but just excessive and poorly controlled sensitivity.

If you recognize yourself in the characteristics listed above, then know that this is not madness and that they do not die from it. Just as a child, you too opened your soul to the emotions of other people, you believed that you were responsible for their happiness and their failures. As a result, you became too nervous, because you cannot constantly be on your guard and prevent all other people's misfortunes. This is why you catch the emotions and fears of other people when you are in a crowded place. The most important thing for you is to learn to understand responsibility correctly. The responsibility you have believed in until now does not suit you. The correct concept of responsibility is included as an integral part of all training courses of the center Listen to your body.

Dependent the type of character I ascertained in the majority of agoraphobes whom I have met so far. If you turn to the above description of agoraphobia, you will find there a mention of the fear of death and insanity. When dependent someone dear to him dies, he feels abandoned. Each time it becomes more and more difficult for him to accept someone else's death, since each death raises his trauma of the abandoned one and intensifies agoraphobia. I have found that a person who is dominated by the trauma of the abandoned has a particularly intense fear of death; if the trauma of betrayal prevails, then the fear of insanity is stronger. I will talk about the trauma of betrayal in the fifth chapter.

Dependent mother prone to merging, longs for love from her child and does everything to make him feel how much she thinks about him. The love of other people, especially loved ones, supports dependent helps them stand on their feet. I have heard from addicts: “I can’t stand it when someone doesn’t love me; I am ready for anything to settle the situation "... When the addict says: "This is very important, call me and let me know when you have news." then what he really wants to say is: "When you call me, I feel important."... By all means he tries to get others to make him feel needed, to be reckoned with; he himself cannot believe it.

When dependent faces the problems that his addiction creates, at such moments he wants to be independent. Considering oneself independent is a very common reaction in dependent; they love to tell others how independent they are! Meanwhile, from this, the trauma of the abandoned person only intensifies and is even more masked, since distracting conversations do not heal it.

For example, dependent a man, man or woman, does not want to have a child, hiding behind a desire to preserve his independence. Often dependent a man in this way hides his fear that the child will take away his wife's attention. Dependent a woman is more often afraid that she will be crushed by all the responsibilities that the birth of a child imposes on her. On the other hand, if she wants to have children, she prefers the period when they are small and most dependent on her. It helps her feel important. In fact, dependent what is needed is autonomy, not independence. In the last chapter, I'll show you how to achieve this.

Similar behavior is typical for dependent and in sex life. He often uses sex to bind others more tightly to him. This is especially popular with women. When dependent the person sees that the partner wants her, she feels more important. I can say that of the five types, the one who is afraid of being abandoned most loves sex. He usually wants sex more than his partner, and it is often possible to notice that it is those who more than others who complain about the lack of sexual pleasures who suffer the trauma of the abandoned and wear a mask. dependent.

If dependent a woman does not want love pleasures, then she will not tell her husband about it. She will prefer to imitate pleasure, since she does not want to miss the opportunity to feel desired. I also knew women who were happy with life as a threesome, when each knew that her husband was making love to another in the next room. Dependent the man pretends not to know anything about his wife's lover. These people prefer to endure such situations so as not to be abandoned. They prefer not of their own free will - they just are ready for anything, just not to lose their spouse.

As for nutrition, then dependent can eat a lot without gaining weight. Since he is inwardly tuned in to the fact that he always lacks everything, then his body receives the corresponding message during the meal. And reacts accordingly. When a person eats very little but thinks they are overeating, their body receives a message of overeating and reacts as if they have eaten too much. As a result, the body gains weight.

In the previous chapter, I mentioned that fugitive prone to anorexia, and dependent- to bulimia. My observations allow me to conclude that when dependent the man suffers from bulimia, he "eats" his mother: he misses her painfully. When does bulimia appear in dependent women, then she lacks a father. If these dependent there is no substitute for the missing parent, then they commit carryover for food. By the way, they very often use the words "devour", "absorb": "This child is consuming all my energy." or "All my time is consumed by the service".

Dependent prefers soft foods. As a rule, he eats a lot of bread with pleasure, which for him symbolizes the land-nurse. He loves a leisurely meal, especially if others are participating in the meal with him, he tries to prolong this pleasant process and attention to himself. On the contrary, alone, and even more so outside the home, dependent takes food reluctantly. Being at odds with the word "leave", dependent always tries not to leave anything on the plate. All this happens outside of his consciousness.

With regard to physical health, then dependent are distinguished, especially in childhood, by frequent illnesses, weakness, and a frail physique. Below is a list of the diseases that most threaten persons with an abandoned trauma.

ASTHMA is a disease characterized by labored, painful breathing. Metaphysically, this illness indicates that a person takes more than he should, and gives with great difficulty.

Problems with BRONCHES are also very likely, as the bronchi are metaphysically related to the family. If dependent suffers from bronchial diseases, this indicates his family dissatisfaction: it seems to him that he receives too little from the family, that he depends too much on it. He would like to believe that he has a solid place in the family, and not to fuss, coveting this place.

Influenced by your fusional subpersonality dependent attracts to itself the problems of the PANCREAS (hypoglycemia and diabetes) and ADRENALS. His entire digestive system is unstable, because he considers his food inadequate, even if it is physically quite normal. Despite the fact that the deficiency exists only on the emotional plane, his physical body receives messages about the lack of food and reacts accordingly - reflects the mental state.

Myopia in dependent is also very common. It represents an inability to see far, and this is associated with fear of the future and especially with a reluctance to face the future alone.

Dependent who too cherish his sacrificial subpersonality can bring himself to Hysteria. Psychologists say that a hysterical personality is like a child who is afraid that his pacifier will be taken away and left alone. Therefore, such a person is inclined to loudly demonstrate his emotions.

Many dependent DEPRESSION develops when their trauma causes them great suffering and they feel helpless - not getting the love they crave. This is also a way to attract attention to yourself.

Dependent suffers from MIGRAINS, because it prevents himself from being himself, blocks his “I am”. He fusses too much, resorts to all sorts of tricks, just to be what others want to see him, or almost completely lives in the shadow of the people who love him.

I also noticed that dependent very often they attract to themselves RARE DISEASES that require special attention, or the so-called INCURABLE DISEASES. Let me remind you that when medicine declares some disease incurable, then, in fact, she reports that science has not yet found reliable remedies for this disease.

The diseases and ailments listed above can also occur in people with other types of trauma, but they are most common in those experiencing the trauma of the abandoned person.

If you see the trauma of the abandoned one, then I must remind you that this wound was activated by your parent of the opposite sex and that every person of the opposite sex continues to rage it. And a completely natural and human reaction is your anger at your parent and other persons of the opposite sex. I will repeat here what is written in many of my other books:

As long as we continue to be angry with the parent (even unconsciously), until then our relationships with people of the same sex as this parent will be difficult.

I suggest that you check and see for yourself that this parent has experienced the same trauma with a parent of the opposite sex (that is, the same gender as you). All these injuries are repeated from generation to generation (which explains the phenomenon of heredity), and this will continue until the wheel of karma is stopped; and for this it is necessary that all our relationships are built and developed in true love.

Do you remember that the main cause of trauma lies in the inability of a person to forgive himself for the wrong done to himself or to someone else. It is difficult for him to forgive himself because usually he does not even realize that he is hoarding anger for himself. The heavier your wound of being abandoned, the more reliable it means that you left yourself (that is, surrendered) or that you left other people, situations, projects. We blame others for everything we do ourselves, but we do not want to notice... For this reason, we also attract people who show us how we behave with others and with ourselves.

Another means of realizing that we have left ourselves or another person is shame. Indeed, we experience a sense of shame when we want to hide or hide our behavior. It's okay to find shameful behavior for which we judge others. And I especially do not want them to convict us of such behavior.

So it is extremely important to settle our relationship with parents as soon as possible - this is the only way we can stop reproducing the same pattern of the situation. Even medical scientists and psychologists have identified and explained the repetition of certain behaviors and destructive diseases from generation to generation. They established that there are dynasties of diabetics, heart patients, asthmatics, as well as families of hereditary rapists, incestors, alcoholics, etc.

If you find the traits in yourself dependent, but you don’t think that you were deprived of the attention of the parent of the opposite sex - rather, on the contrary, this attention was excessive, then this is probably what happened. The attention you received was not of the sort that you wanted. It almost strangled you.

I can give an example with my eldest son; he is already an adult, but his body betrays the trauma of the abandoned one. But of my three children, it was he who received the maximum attention from me in childhood, because at that time I did not have work outside the home and I was with him all the time. On the other hand, I was too harsh and harsh with him in situations that, in his opinion, did not justify it. I didn’t let him down, I watched his every step, because I wanted to make him a perfect human being - in accordance with my concept of perfection. Today I understand that this was not at all the attention he craved. He survived the trauma of the abandoned one, and I consider it normal to be angry with me in those years. I now know that this experience was part of his life plan and that we had to understand some things together. He needed a mother like me to go through the process of forgiving someone who left him, and I needed a son like him to help me finish a similar situation with my father. We'll come back to this topic in the chapter on betrayal.

Spiritual laws say that if a person experiences a certain experience not in love, then he will have to return to Earth again and experience the same experience again. He returns with the same soul, but plays different roles. And all this is only in order to get the opportunity to solve problems that were not solved by him in previous lives.

Remember that the characteristics and behaviors described in this chapter only arise when the traumatized abandoned person chooses to wear the mask of an addict in the hope of avoiding suffering. Depending on the severity of the injury and the intensity of the pain, the mask may be worn occasionally or very often. .

Typical for dependent forms of behavior are dictated by the fear of the possibility of a new experience of the trauma of the abandoned one. It may, however, happen that you will find in yourself some, but not all of the characteristics that I described above. The coincidence of all these characteristics in one person is almost unbelievable. Each of the five traumas has its own forms of behavior and internal attitudes. The ways of thinking, feeling, speaking and business manners that characterize each trauma determine the person's response to everything that happens in his life. A person in a state of reaction is not focused, not balanced, does not dwell in his heart and cannot be either good or happy. Therefore, it is very important to be aware of those moments when you are yourself, and when you are in a state of reaction. Having achieved this awareness, you get the opportunity to become the master of your life, and not give control of it to your fears.

The purpose of this chapter was to help you become aware of your abandoned trauma. If you recognize yourself in a mask dependent, then in the last chapter you will find all the information you need to heal this trauma, become yourself and not think that your whole life is filled with the torment of the abandoned. If you do not find this trauma in yourself, then I advise you to contact those who know you well and make sure that they agree with you. As I mentioned, the trauma of the abandoned person can be minor; in this case, you can only notice certain characteristic features in yourself. Let me remind you that first of all you should trust the physical description, since the physical body never lies, unlike us - we can very easily deceive ourselves.

If you see this injury in someone from your environment, do not try to remake this person. Instead, use everything you learn from this book to build more empathy for him, to better understand his reactive behavior. Do not retell this book in your own words; it is better for those who are interested in this area to read it themselves.

Characteristics of the LOST trauma

Trauma awakening: Between one and three years old, with a parent of the opposite sex. Lack of emotional or certain type of nutrition.

Mask: Dependent.

Body: Elongated, thin, lacking tone, drooping; the legs are weak, the back is bent, the arms seem excessively long and hang down along the body, some parts of the body look flabby, sagging.

Eyes: Big, sad. Eye-catching.

Dictionary:“Absent” “one” “can't stand” “eat” “don't leave”.

Character: Victim. Inclined to merge with someone or something. Needs presence, attention, support, reinforcement. Difficulty doing or deciding alone. Seeks advice, but does not always follow it. Children's voice. She painfully perceives refusals. Sadness. Cries easily. Causes pity. Sometimes joyful, sometimes sad. Physically clings to others. Nervous. Pop star. Strives for independence. Loves sex.

Most afraid of: Loneliness.

Nutrition: A good appetite. Bulimia. Loves soft foods. Eats slowly.

Typical diseases: Back pain asthma bronchitis migraines hypoglycemia agoraphobia diabetes adrenal diseases myopia hysteria depression rare diseases (requiring long-term attention) incurable diseases.