What if you hate. How hate arises

What if everyone hates you?

Hello! My name is Sveta, I am 15 years old.
It so happened that my childhood, and indeed on this moment life did not work out. In general, I am a loner.
I have an older brother, his name is Sasha (the difference is 1 year). He. favorite "family. Every time parents forgive him for any jamb, rejoice at all his achievements, pay more attention to him, pamper him. With me everything is different. It happens more than once, my parents beat me for a ridiculous deuce, or for a remark about behavior . When I succeeded (really, really succeeded) - my mother and stepfather closed their eyes. They nod, murmur. "And supposedly everything is fine. Mom, in principle, hates me, stepfather is completely indifferent, sits down in front of the TV, asks how you are doing. my brother has zero on me. When I feel bad and it hurts my parents don't care either.
At school, there are, and not often, terrible insults to me. Sometimes they even hit. Best friend and in general I didn't have any friends. Recently a seemingly sweet girl came to our school. On the first day we talked nicely, she even treated me to. But the next morning when I came to school this one. dear girl "with my classmates mocked me. They put their feet up, insulted, moaned.
Everyone around me hates me. This leads to various depression and crying at night. Although you can't even cry normally, as soon as my mother knocks on the battery. do not interfere with sleep. "I, of course, and in a terrible situation, however, not so stupid as to despair of suicide. Although recently I ran away from home, for 5 days. maternal and paternal instincts and would just try to contact me. Not a call was received (everything is in order with the connection). After I arrived, everything was as usual. They thought I was with a boy. And they began to hate me even more, they say I ran away to someone and did not collect my things. There was hysteria.
All this was reflected in my studies. I only had fives in the visual arts.
I didn't really want to contact someone. And in general I do not believe that you can help me and bring me out of this state. However, I have no one to cry. Help as much as you can.

First of all, I want to support you and say that your parents are wrong to do this to you. I understand that this will not change them in any way, but you may well blame them for your problems.

Although you're only 15, it seems like it's time to grow up and treat yourself and others in an adult way. That is, do not blame other people for doing bad things to you, but ask yourself: "What am I doing to be treated like this?" I will try to explain using the example of your letter to us: the essence of your message is that you turn to us for help, but do not believe that they will be able to help here. And this repels people, it is unlikely that you will receive many letters. So in life: you seem to want to communicate, but you don’t believe people, somehow letting them know. After all, they do not just react aggressively to you, which means that some of your behavior causes this aggression in them. It's about the reasons. What to do about it?

Basically, you are right. No one but yourself can help yourself. The only thing a psychologist can do is to support you, to give you confidence that changes are possible and that this is a lot of work on yourself. It is necessary to change the attitude towards people, despite the fact that the family environment does not promote trust and openness. It is best to look for free psychological trainings for teenagers and there to learn to communicate with peers in a new way. People can be very different: friendly, open and kind. Then when you believe in them and in turn become so. I wish you success and all the best! Sincerely. Yulia Arkadyevna

It should be pretty obvious when someone hates you, right? But before you enter into a real conflict, make sure that someone's hatred is sincere. These steps will help you determine if someone hates you.

Steps

Think about the last social event you attended with this person, and ask yourself the following questions: "Did he say anything rude, contemptuous, and demeaning to me?" “Did the very fact that I spoke to him annoy him?” "Does he have more contempt for me than mercy?" If you answered “yes” to all of these questions, then this person may hate you, but read on to make sure of this one hundred percent. Relationships are rarely easy.

Notice how he behaves. If he only feels comfortable and comfortable around you, then there is a chance that he does not feel contempt for you. He is probably just ashamed for some reason openly communicate with you in the company of his friends. Test his behavior in different settings. Perhaps there is no hatred as such, rather, he treats you with a biased and imaginary attitude.

Is he capricious a lot? If one day he treats you well, and the other bad, and other people treat you without respect when they are in a bad mood, then this person is simply moody, and he chose you as an easy target for expressing his coquetry. ...

Are you a deliberate victim? Don't become a victim. Unless you have done something bad to this person, there is no reason in the world why you deserve punishment from him. Therefore, address him directly and loudly in front of everyone else in next time... Do not take a defensive posture, behave fragilely: “And why does it seem so to you? This dress belonged to my mother, she died exactly one year ago. ” After that, even if he hates you, no one from the environment will share his point of view in the future. If you somehow offended this person, then go up to him and ask for forgiveness. Nothing will happen to you if you admit your mistake. If you can't be friends, then at least agree not to treat each other badly.

• Don't try to please everyone. You will always have friends and family, but not everyone will like you, and you will not like everyone.
• Don't let him influence you badly because of hate or something else.
• Make sure the person really hates you before taking action.
• Don't make a drama.

Warnings

• Don't pay too much attention to it. If he hates you, then maybe he just isn't worthy of your friendship.
• Don't start fighting for no particular reason. If possible, avoid any confrontation.
• Don't let someone else's hatred encroach on your peace of mind. Forgive and forget.

Misanthropy is a slow suicide.

(Friedrich Schiller)

Hatred - strong feeling dislike for another person, oneself, dissatisfaction with life or circumstances. People are able to hate both their own body and the whole the world... The most powerful and destructive feeling is self-hatred.

Sometimes hatred arises at one moment as a result of some actions or statements of another person, sometimes anger accumulates for years, eventually turning into a burning, irresistible feeling that is almost impossible to cope with.

Hatred is a destructive feeling. It gives people a lot of energy, which at the same time cannot be directed towards anything positive. Hatred longs for ruins and scorched earth, for someone else's grief.
Hate hurts the one who hates in the first place. The one who hates is exposed to its destructive influence. Many illnesses, both physical and mental, are caused by this terrible feeling.

Judge for yourself, huge negative energy literally bursting with you from the inside at the sight of the object of your anger, or even the mention of it. At the same time, you most often cannot show your emotions in all their intensity, you have to restrain yourself. Where does the energy go? That's right, it gets inside, destroying everything in its path.

Feeling that it is no longer possible to live like this, people begin to think about how to stop hating... Hatred will not go away on its own, it must be firmly grasped. It takes a long time to cure hatred, every day, every hour. If you are a believer, turning to God and confession will help.

Often people think that stop hating they can only if the hated person dies. But this rarely brings relief. Learning that the person, the hatred for whom they nurtured and cherished dear years, died, they relax and understand that they even feel sorry for him. Resentments seem small and insignificant. And then a person has, having spent half his life in hatred, spend the other half, tormented by a sense of guilt.

Meanwhile, having spent a lot of time nurturing plans for revenge or simply constantly thinking about the object of hatred, from this very object, the hate simply loses its meaning in life. As scary as it sounds, it really happens.
Therefore, if you experience such feelings, you need to try with all your might from him, stop hating.

Without claiming the laurels of a specialist psychologist, I still want to give some advice, rather even indicate the direction in which you need to try to move. In my time this method help me.

How to stop hating. Step one: find the reason

Hatred cannot arise out of nowhere, although sometimes when asked why we hate a person, we can answer that we are annoyed by his very presence on earth, we hate him simply because he is.

In fact, there is a reason for hatred and it is extremely specific. Another thing is that it can be completely insignificant, and over time we can even forget about it. And the anger will remain. Often it is the understanding of the insignificance of the cause that helps a person to stop hating.

Maybe the person you hate said or did something that pissed you off and led to complete rejection. Or maybe you hate the boss who nagging you every day. Or is it a relative of your husband or friend (whom you cannot refuse to meet) who behaves completely unacceptable to you? Find out the reason and it will be easier for you to take the next step.

How to stop hating. Step two: put yourself in his shoes

The other person, as surprising as it may sound, may not even be aware of your hatred. He may do something without knowing how it affects you. Moreover, those around you are unaware of your attitude towards him. Still, where would they suspect something was wrong, if you are exaggeratedly kind and attentive with the object of your hatred. It is the hated person who calls us increased attention and the desire to be pleasant. After all, our goal is to hide our feelings, not to let emotions break through.

As a result, we get what we get. And all you need to do is talk to this person, ask him to change his behavior, think about the statements. How many internal conflicts have been resolved in this way!

But it also happens that, putting yourself in his place, you understand that he does nasty things, in your understanding, only out of a desire to annoy you. He is perfectly aware of your feelings and makes you angry so that he can enjoy the manifestation of your emotions or with pleasure to observe your attempts to suppress them in himself.

Why is he doing this? Simply because he likes it. Apparently there are some reasons, most often complexes, that prevent him from establishing normal contacts with people, to draw attention to his person in some other way.

Maybe you hate the person who did the wrong thing. Think about why the person has done or is doing this. Did he do something terrible? What would you do if you were in his place? Do you think you could do the same in a similar situation? Perhaps you will understand that an unsightly act is simply a manifestation of the weakness of this person.

Thus, I am leading you to the next step.

How to stop hating. Step three: try to forgive

As we have seen, nasty actions and words are most often caused by the fact that a person is weak and follows his own weakness. No matter how insidious he looks, it is most often just weakness.

It is this thought that should help you forgive him and calm down. It is easy to say: “Forgive!”, But how to do it if you hate with all your heart? If at the very thought of this person the stomach contracts, it is impossible to eat or sleep, and, nevertheless, thoughts constantly revolve around the object of hatred.

There is one simple exercise that can help you. the main idea- every person has a soul. She is innocent and beautiful like a child. So imagine this person as a small child. It may be difficult, but you shouldn't feel any contradiction at this stage. After all, the object of your anger was once really a baby, he had loving mom and dad, he was naive and touching.

Imagine that this child continues to live inside this person. He is scared and unhappy, he squeezes his eyes shut every time the "owner" tells you nasty things or provokes you. Have pity, let him know with your voice, intonations that you know about him, feel sorry for him, are ready to support.

This does not mean that when unpleasant person, you have to get close to him, knock on his chest and say, something like: "Hey, baby, I know that you are there." No, just talk to the person as you would to a child. Do not get fooled by provocations, feel sorry for his little one pure soul instead of hating.

To many, this exercise may seem silly and useless. This is until you try it. I used this technique on myself at one time. The hatred for the man was so strong that I even began to treat his relatives badly, because they tolerate him and even manage to love him.

The object of my hatred harmed me, said nasty things, did nasty things. Moreover, he did not even enjoy his victories, he didn’t care, he just believed that he had the right to do that, well, simply because he didn’t like me.

Only after understanding the situation, highlighting specific reasons, finding out what exactly supports my hatred and trying to understand why he behaves this way, I saw what his reasons were (albeit unfair, but understandable), I understood why he does exactly that (just because other methods are not available to him, since he is the easiest to do). I was able to forgive him for his own imperfection, stupid complexes, I could even regret it.

The process was going slowly, it was quite difficult, but I tried to perceive the person as a kind of experimental object, to distract myself from my dislike at least for a while. Then she was able to see a baby in him and talk only to him.

As a result, we have had peaceful relations over the past few years. The man stopped plotting and saying nasty things and even treats me with some warmth. I didn’t love him with all my heart, it’s simply impossible, but I perceive him normally, without anger and hostility and do not grit my teeth when he comes to my house.

I am not saying that this method is a panacea, but in not too advanced cases, with your great desire, of course, it can work. I really hope that he will help someone stop hating and there will be one less hate in the world.

If you cannot cope with yourself, and your hatred is so great that you cannot tame it for a while, in order to at least analyze the situation impartially, it is probably better to contact a specialist.

Alexandra Panyutina
Women's magazine JustLady

What to do if you are hated? Do you consider yourself a bad person? So, it is quite natural that everyone and everyone will hate you. What is there to be surprised at? Deserve - get it! Do you consider yourself a good person? Many even openly and completely sincerely tell you the same thing? Wonderful! But be prepared for the fact that even those who sincerely consider you a ray of light in this spoiled and embittered world will feel hatred towards you.

• The thing is that even among the saints and the most kind people in history there have always been "well-wishers" who hated them with fierce hatred.

No matter how much you improve yourself, grow personally and spiritually, there will always be those who will not appreciate your efforts and efforts in this direction, with all their might wanting to expose you and prove that you are definitely not who you are trying to impersonate. So why not do anything then and plunge headlong into all the hardest? Not certainly in that way.

WHAT TO DO IF SOMEONE HATES?

1. The more evil you do to others, the more it will hit in one form or another personally on you, your children, grandchildren ... You may not believe it, but over thousands of years people have repeatedly been convinced of the validity of this statement. In the end, it is unlikely that you, being of sound mind, would ask the question “why everyone hates me” if you knew perfectly well that you bring only evil to others. Conclusion: change yourself - then save yourself and your descendants from many of the problems that you brought up.

But what to do when you really try to bring light and goodness into the world, but do everything so that you can do little with it? Do not beat them up for the fact that they are simply accustomed to hating someone, it does not matter - with or without him ... Change all ill-wishers? Perhaps, just do not overestimate your strengths, since it will be incredibly difficult to do this, and all this energy could be used much more effectively for personal success.

• There are 2 options for behavior. The only question is which of them to choose as optimal in each individual case.

2. Not with all of us along the way ...

If you carefully analyze your immediate environment, then, most likely, you will be able to discover that obviously not all of them are on your way. Some "friends and girlfriends" simply dislike you, while others openly hate or hate you.

What's the point in trying to pretend that you like them and don't notice "anything like that"? Politely in your surroundings, you will certainly feel some inexplicable lightness in your soul and heart. After all, it is much easier to create and create when you do not feel constant discomfort when communicating with some "well-wishers" who are frankly annoyed by your successes.

3. If, by virtue of different reasons, to do this in the foreseeable future is not possible, then, as far as possible, become as immune and thick-skinned as possible to the "important". The majority, in this case, is a gray mass of idlers, onlookers and losers, some of whom hate or dislike you, but with whom you have to somehow interact. If you cannot quickly transform them into a minority, then at least weaken their not very constructive influence on yourself.

Do you have a goal, a wonderful dream? So go to her boldly, not paying attention to the evil hiss of those to whom she is clearly across their throats and, even more so, to whom she definitely will not add happiness when you reach her. Will you be upset about this? Their problems!

• It is important to know one pattern: when someone hates you, he or she inflicts the greatest damage to themselves and inflicts, in the form of gradually shattering health, provided that you yourself are not involved in this.

Hello everyone, readers of my blog!

The mood went downhill - I decided to try myself here. I will write and share my opinion about famous saying Mourinho " If you love, then you-good, if you hate, then you-best!"

Probably 99 percent of the people who are reading this now have not achieved what Mourinho did. And this is not an insult, but a fact. In my opinion, Mourinho is the BEST coach in football history. This rascal who Hated has achieved all that is possible. He knows how to remove pressure from the players, transferring it to himself. He can change the scheme right during the game and play indoor football, and then open up and finish off the opponent completely. In short, if you play against Chelsea tactically, it is very, very difficult to beat this team. But we will talk about his psychology and perhaps reach our goal - to understand what is going on in the head of this genius.

Judging by his biography, we can say that he literally proved this statement throughout his entire career. At first, he just raised clubs and won trophies with him, but now he does the same while making such statements that many people boil. They start to hate him. I asked around people who support Manchester United, Liverpool, Arsenal. Just the same they consider him a terrible coach and tactician. But they're just ridiculous! I won't say how many trophies Jose won and why they shouldn't say that. Please note that it is as if on purpose, and in some places it is, to cause hatred among others. This is a crazy coach and I can't stop praising him.

After completing his playing career, Mourinho began coaching, first joining the coaching staff of various Portuguese clubs (most of all under the leadership of Bobby Robson). He himself comes from a football family. He is the son of football goalkeeper Feliche Mourinho. Throughout his coaching history, he has coached 12 different teams. Not bad huh? And it's easy to guess that more than half of these clubs are insanely grateful to him.

The winning percentage of teams under his leadership is 67 percent.

To what I was leading that. I call on all fans of Arsenal, Liverpool, Manchester United, MC, etc. understand and stop writing some kind of nonsense about Mournya. You don't anger him in any way, he just enjoys it.

Guys, write your opinions. Do not judge strictly - wrote on hastily by watching the old matches of Porto. If he comes in, I will write daily. Thank you.

Mourinho about himself: “I like to test myself. When I started working with Porto, he hadn't won anything for many years. When he joined Chelsea, he had not won the championship in 50 years. Inter have not won the Champions League in 45 years. Challenges like these give me motivation ...

What if everyone hates you?

Hello! My name is Sveta, I am 15 years old.
It so happened that my childhood, and indeed at the moment, life did not work out. In general, I am a loner.
I have an older brother, his name is Sasha (the difference is 1 year). He. favorite "family. Every time parents forgive him for any jamb, rejoice at all his achievements, pay more attention to him, pamper him. With me everything is different. It happens more than once, my parents beat me for a ridiculous deuce, or for a remark about behavior . When I succeeded (really, really succeeded) - my mother and stepfather closed their eyes. They nod, murmur. "And supposedly everything is fine. Mom, in principle, hates me, stepfather is completely indifferent, sits down in front of the TV, asks how you are doing. my brother has zero on me. When I feel bad and it hurts my parents don't care either.
At school, there are, and not often, terrible insults to me. Sometimes they even hit. My best friend, and indeed friends in general, I never had. Recently a seemingly sweet girl came to our school. On the first day we talked nicely, she even treated me to. But the next morning when I came to school this one. dear girl "with my classmates mocked me. They put their feet up, insulted, moaned.
Everyone around me hates me. This leads to various depression and crying at night. Although you can't even cry normally, as soon as my mother knocks on the battery. do not interfere with sleep. "I, of course, and in a terrible situation, however, not so stupid as to despair of suicide. Although recently I ran away from home, for 5 days. maternal and paternal instincts and would just try to contact me. Not a call was received (everything is in order with the connection). After I arrived, everything was as usual. They thought I was with a boy. And they began to hate me even more, they say I ran away to someone and did not collect my things. There was hysteria.
All this was reflected in my studies. I only had fives in the visual arts.
I didn't really want to contact someone. And in general I do not believe that you can help me and bring me out of this state. However, I have no one to cry. Help as much as you can.

First of all, I want to support you and say that your parents are wrong to do this to you. I understand that this will not change them in any way, but you may well blame them for your problems.

Although you're only 15, it seems like it's time to grow up and treat yourself and others in an adult way. That is, do not blame other people for doing bad things to you, but ask yourself: "What am I doing to be treated like this?" I will try to explain using the example of your letter to us: the essence of your message is that you turn to us for help, but do not believe that they will be able to help here. And this repels people, it is unlikely that you will receive many letters. So in life: you seem to want to communicate, but you don’t believe people, somehow letting them know. After all, they do not just react aggressively to you, which means that some of your behavior causes this aggression in them. It's about the reasons. What to do about it?

Basically, you are right. No one but yourself can help yourself. The only thing a psychologist can do is to support you, to give you confidence that changes are possible and that this is a lot of work on yourself. It is necessary to change the attitude towards people, despite the fact that the family environment does not promote trust and openness. Your best bet is to look for free psychological trainings for adolescents and there to learn to communicate with peers in a new way. People can be very different: friendly, open and kind. Then when you believe in them and in turn become so. I wish you success and all the best! Sincerely. Yulia Arkadyevna

In some cases, when a person has a persistent dislike for you, he makes it clear, however, often, society forces him to hide his feelings. Hate is a complex emotion, and very often people will not specifically hate. you, but rather your deeds... The following tips will help you determine if the person hates you and give you tips on how to behave accordingly.

Steps

Read the signs

Pay attention to the person's eyes. Many things that are considered too harsh to be spoken are often conveyed through the eyes. In fact, some of our emotions are read by the size of our pupils, which is something that humans cannot control. If someone is uncomfortable talking to you, this can often be understood by looking the person in their eyes.

Pay attention to extremes in behavior. Any heightened emotion can serve as a signal that something is wrong with your relationship. However, don't judge these emotions based on what is considered normal for you or your friends. Perhaps this person just always behaves like this. pay attention to following signs:

Watch for differences. People behave differently depending on their attitude towards what they say or do. There are many subtle (and often unconscious) signals that can help determine if a person does not want to discuss certain topics or is not telling the truth. The main idea behind a polygraph (lie detector) test is to look for tiny differences in how a person reacts when they tell the truth versus when they lie. Even if you can't use equipment to track differences in someone's behavior, some simple tips can help you notice that the person hates you:

Don't confuse hate with other emotions. It can be difficult to tell the difference between feelings such as jealousy, shyness, fear, and hate. Here are some things to consider:

• In general, is this person quiet and shy?
• Are you in a position or do you own something that this person would like to have and because of what he could be jealous?
• Do you sometimes act annoying and demanding? Could he be afraid of you or your reaction?

1. Notice how open he is in front of you. Of course, we are all different, and how much we talk about our personal life depends on the situation. However, if someone constantly hides information from you related to your joint affairs, most likely there is some problem between you. Perhaps this is not hatred, but an elementary forgetfulness on his part, but it is still worth finding out why he is not honest with you. Here are some of the things people usually share with each other:

   • everything related to joint projects at work;
   • information that will clearly help you do your job or become happier;
   • messages asking to convey something to you.

   Recognize important signs

   1. Don't take it all personally. Observe the person to see if they are being rude or indifferent to everyone they talk to. Perhaps the problem is not with you, and this is his usual behavior.

      Evaluate his overall behavior. If you've only seen each other once, or if he usually doesn't act like he doesn't like you, then most likely it's a small thing. We all have bad days that make us rude and sullen. To make sure that someone hates you, you must pay attention to their behavior in long term rather than focusing on one or two separate cases.

      Don't confuse frivolity with hatred. This is especially true for people who don't know you very well and may not notice that their actions and words hurt you a lot. Some people find it very difficult to recognize social cues and may not understand your negative reactions to their behavior. In addition, for many people, words sometimes get ahead of thoughts, and this makes them often say things that they later regret. If you notice that a person says hurtful things to many people, most likely, he has difficulties with behavior in society, and his actions are not related to hatred towards you.

      Pay attention to the sources of the rumors. If you hear from another person that someone hates you, consider how reliable this information is. Ask why he thinks you are hated, and how strong the reason is. If this person is known for their gossip and discord, they may be trying to provoke your excitement with their words, or they may be trying to make it easier for someone.

   2. Take a closer look at your own behavior. If the person who you think dislikes you only behaves rudely when you do something specific, think about whether he or she hates your behavior, but not you... Here are some things that can annoy or anger people:

      • certain topics of conversation;
      • words or signs that the person finds offensive;
      • humor that may seem out of place;
      • requests to do or change something;
      • your demeanor with other people, especially with their close friends or loved ones;
      • the level of physical intimacy (for example, many people hug everyone they know, while others do this only with a select few. A person may be uncomfortable from the fact that you often touch him or, conversely, little to him).

   Try to mend your relationship anyway.

   1. Ask questions. If you notice someone is annoyed or angry when you talk to them, try to kindly and gently ask them what upset you are doing. Letting the person know that you just want information and not asking them to change their behavior will help you avoid conflicts. If you don’t want to sort things out in person, a note or voicemail will give him time to think about his answer instead of instinctively reacting defensively without solving the problem. Remember, even if your question sounds perfect and thoughtful, the person may snap back, and there is nothing you can do about it. Here are some options for asking:

      • "You look depressed all the time, is there anything I can do to cheer you up or ease the situation?"
      • "I feel that you treat me differently than everyone else, why is that?"
      • “I thought you got angry when _______. Is there anything I can do to please you? "
      • "Did I do something that made you angry? I feel that you are angry with me, but I don't understand why."

   2. Try to see things from that person's point of view. Think about how you would react if someone treated you the way you treat them. Consider these options:

      • Does he feel like you are giving him an unfair workload?
      • Do you scold him more often than praise him?
      • Do you disagree with many of the things he says? Even if you try to hide your disagreement, he can still understand it and not trust you.
   3. People who make you nervous aren't worth the time you spend on them. Whether the person hates you or not, if you cannot communicate with them in a manner that is acceptable to both of you, it is in your best interest to forgive and forget.
   4. Don't create dramas around whether the person hates you or not. Even if you are hated, you shouldn't worry about it. Other people around you, be it friends, family, or coworkers, will appreciate it if you keep the drama to a minimum.
   5. If you can't come to an agreement with someone, you probably the best way- avoid this person. Don't pester him trying to figure out if he hates you. Even if you are trying to fix the situation, you can add problems to yourself if you fail.

There will always be such individuals who, without a twinge of conscience, will show aggression and obvious antipathy towards you. Mostly ill-wishers and envious people surround you in the workplace, because everyone there fights for a place in the sun and for the favor of the authorities. However, an open confrontation is less dangerous and fraught with consequences than a latent threat. Surely you, too, may have colleagues who despise you, but at the same time remain with a diplomatic expression on their faces.

Why hide hatred?

Hiding true feelings in the workplace helps workers in behind-the-scenes intrigue. In a large team environment, people will never openly show hostility to someone. They are simply afraid of incurring problems or jeopardizing their own careers. However, surreptitiously, such people are ways to bring a lot of trouble to the object of their dislike. They love to do mean things, while remaining with a spotless reputation, manipulate other people and have conversations behind your back.

"Knowledgeable means armed"

If you do not want to be part of corporate intrigue, there are some signs that the person has latent hatred towards you. Advice from psychologists: even if you figure out the ill-wisher, remain loyal to him. Don't avoid this person and be aware of the benefit of the doubt. If you are sure that there are no envious people in the office, try to be sensitive to the needs of all your colleagues, be optimistic, affable and friendly.

Strong connections with coworkers will come in handy in the future. Healthy and strong relationships in the workplace, a relaxed, friendly atmosphere help all team members to be more efficient and productive.

Healthy team relationships vs. behind-the-scenes games

Business speaker Michael Kerr says this: When all colleagues treat each other equally well, things become much easier. Each of the team members feels that there is a shoulder nearby, on which, if something happens, you can lean on. In any case, in a team with healthy relationships, it is easier to ask for favors or favors from colleagues. Moreover, people themselves will begin to offer you a helping hand. We have now described the ideal model of team relationships. What to do if your workplace far from ideal, or do you suspect that something is amiss? Here are 19 telltale signs that your coworker secretly hates you.

1. Your intuition speaks about it

Perhaps this is just an obsession. However, more often than not, intuition does not let us down. If you think that someone has a dislike for you, this may very well be true. In any case, the person may treat you in a completely different way from the way he treats other team members. And it makes you think about a lot.

2. He does not smile in your presence.

We're not talking about a bad day or a sudden change in mood right now. If your coworker does not systematically or consciously smile in your presence, then something is wrong.

3. He cannot maintain eye contact with you.

Psychologists say: it is difficult to look someone in the eye if you do not have warm feelings for the person or, at least, respect. Have you noticed that a coworker avoids eye contact with you during a conversation? They are simply afraid to show hostility towards you in their gaze. Such people take the path of least resistance: they turn away or avoid you.

4. A coworker avoids you

Sometimes strange situations happen. You enter the elevator and notice a colleague walking behind. You are waiting for him, but he prefers to climb the stairs. He avoids you.

5. He spreads rumors

This unprofessional behavior is unfortunately not uncommon in the workplace. A person only loves to spread rumors about who he really does not like.

6. He doesn't notice your presence.

When you come to the office, this person will never tell you “ Good morning". He will not even stoop to the usual, meaningless phrases. This ignorance can also be evidence of his dislike.

7. The person is too dry when answering questions

Of course, he will not be able to ignore your questions. This is not allowed by corporate ethics. Ask such a person "How are you", and in response you will hear a short "Normal". If you receive business correspondence from such a person, be sure it does not start with a greeting.

8. He sends non-verbal negative signals

Such a person, at the sight of you, may involuntarily look away or grimace in a grin and roll his eyes. He is constantly closed to you: his arms are intertwined, and his legs are crossed. Also, your colleague may deliberately not take his eyes off the monitor at the moment when you enter the office.

9. He never invites you to social events.

You will never receive an invitation to a business lunch or a corporate meeting from such a person.

10. A colleague has a habit of communicating via email

Even if you are in the same room, it will be an unaffordable luxury for him to approach you with a request. He will simply send you an email. Have you noticed a bias in communication towards digital format? This is a sure sign.

11. He constantly disagrees with you.

All your ideas are perceived with hostility. Very often, such a person may not allow you to finish your phrases. He interrupts you and has his own point of view on everything. Even if he understands what you suggested great idea, he will never deviate from his principles. His dislike is too strong.

12. Such a person is not interested in your personal life.

Your coworker may chat lightly during a break with other coworkers about personal life, family, and children. Only in conversations with you, he never raises these topics. He simply does not care about your personal life.

13. You are not among the companions for casual communication and jokes.

This person can amuse other colleagues for hours with casual jokes and anecdotes. Only a friendly laugh is always heard behind your back. You do not belong to the circle of the privileged few. He just doesn't feel comfortable around you.

14. He steals your ideas.

Seeing a competitor in you, such a person will try to draw attention to his own person. Therefore, at every opportunity he will use your ideas and pass them off as his own.

15. He takes over unauthorized authority

Such an employee can give himself powers that do not exist. For some reason he decided that he could give you orders.

16. He creates gangs

You may feel like you're in one of the Mean Girls scenes. You will never be part of one of the office groupings.

17. You Can't Trust Him

You share information with your colleagues for review, but this person can always use the received data against you.

18. His favorite method of interaction is defensiveness.

You feel that between you and this person is growing deep wall distrust. Or your colleague is only concerned with building defensive redoubts around him. Not otherwise, he prepared for the Cold War.

19. Your work is not a priority for him.

Another big sign that eloquently indicates that your colleague dislikes you. Your worries and problems will never be at the top of his list of priorities. He will never treat your work with the same level of urgency as other colleagues.

What to do if suddenly everyone at work began to hate you.

There is no place for collectivists in the African savannah. It is more convenient to act according to the principle “every man for himself”: there is less responsibility. And if they eat it, no one will regret it. Therefore, zoologists were very surprised when faced with the phenomenon of mobbing: an attack by a group of animals on a lonely brother. Psychologists were even more amazed when they learned that mobbing is also present in human society. Moreover, according to statistics, he is found in every fifth team. Our task is to warn you and arm you the latest methods fight against this phenomenon.

With the fact that not everyone adores you, you gradually begin to get used to it immediately after parting with diapers. Indistinctly spoken words, awkward steps and a naive smile are not enough to cause a general explosion of delight and emotion. At first, toys, natural charm help, then a sense of humor, money and, finally, professional skills. Everything that allows you to find mutual language with friends, colleagues and bosses.

This works with varying degrees of success, but the real surprise is the moment when even the most positive traits and actions instead of admiration cause irritation and even hatred. It is quite possible that these are the first signs of mobbing, or simply bullying. Her goal is to survive a person from the team, completely deleting him from staffing table and a list of employees.

Occasion

You don't have to spill carrot juice on your co-worker or trip him in the hallway to get on the list of enemies. He will do everything necessary for you himself. Looks at the payroll to check your salary with his own, or hears you flirting with the secretary to whom he wanted to offer his hand and heart. You can cross someone's path simply by getting a position that one of the old-timers of the company has been counting on for a long time.

The result is one: the offended begins to hatch insidious plans for revenge. If he enjoys formal or informal authority in the team, other colleagues quickly unite around him, and revenge becomes a common cause.

Methodology

The mobers' imagination is limited by the degree of their intellectual development... And, of course, official position.

Get it as the main spiteful critic general director the firm is not recommended: the bullying will be ridiculously short. The most common mobbing tool is as trivial as it is effective. It is gossip that is carefully cultivated and spread through prying ears. It is enough to appear in the office with circles under the eyes, and a rumor will immediately creep among colleagues that you have been drinking for the fifth day, mixing single malt whiskey with Zhiguli beer.

Drive up to the office for new car- you will be immediately written down as a bribe-taker and will be predicted a dizzying criminal career. Another option for mobbing is petty sabotage. It can be blunt - bent paper clips on a desk, sharp buttons on a chair, or a virus running into your computer. Latent sabotage is the most dangerous. This is when you think that your instructions are being followed, but instead of the result you get round eyes and complaints of multiple sclerosis and early Alzheimer's.

The mobers will do everything to pin this miscalculation on you and report it to the management. Even if you can prove your innocence, the residue will remain.

Outcome

All these efforts will lead to the fact that any of your actions will be assessed negatively. Didn't stay after work? Doesn't care about the interests of the company. Stayed? Can't cope with work during regular hours. In general, your every breath will be accompanied by criticism and petty quibbles, which will only grow over time. Having been exposed to mobbing, you will quickly find yourself in social isolation. Psychologists note that in such situations, a person quickly loses his bearings and becomes more and more helpless and insecure. Formed chronic stress and accompanying symptoms - headache, insomnia, circulatory disorders, etc. At work, everything falls out of hand, any enthusiasm disappears completely.

As a result, it is easier to change jobs than to continue working in such conditions.

Actions

To clearly understand what you will have to struggle with, imagine that you are walking near a group of Spartak fans. At the same time, you are dressed in red and blue colors... For the purity of the experiment, you can mentally shout: "CSKA is the champion." You need to decide whether to run away or to fight very quickly, since there are only two things to evaluate. First, your strengths: are you ready to fight alone against the team? Secondly, how much do you love and value your football team (or workplace): is it worth it to start a war for it?

If the answer to at least one of these questions is negative, the best solution is to write a letter of resignation. It is unlikely that someone will accuse you of cowardice or lack of will for refusing to fight an aggressive crowd for an empty idea. If you are determined to fight, take our advice into service.

Become vindictive

If, with enough anger, you complain of poor memory, start writing down all the wrongs you have. Keep a diary for this purpose. So write: “Today at 11:24 am Ivanov treacherously stepped on my foot, after which he laughed in my face. You bastard. " German psychologists advise to do this.

Fixed attacks will help to assess the strength of opponents, to understand who exactly belongs to them, what is the role of each person involved and whether the attack can be called a well-planned and systemic one. In addition, with the actual pattern of military action in front of your eyes, you can develop a set of responses.

Identify the instigator

Almost certainly the initiative came (or originally came) from one person. Perhaps, even without analyzing your records, you will be able to identify him - most likely, this is the one with whom you have an unresolved conflict. Now is the time to try to establish contact with the ringleader and eliminate the quarrel. Perhaps a confidential or, conversely, tough conversation will help out. If the instigator is a really authoritative person, mobbing should come to naught.

Find the "weak link"

In ancient Roman stadiums, even after the most boring fights, there were citizens who raised thumb up out of a desire to save the lives of negligent gladiators. Among the attacking colleagues, too, there will certainly be those who, deep down, sympathize with you and are silent during the discussion of your new polka-dot tie. Having approached them, you will practically introduce a saboteur into the rear of the enemy. From now on, when talking about your odious person, approving voices will sometimes be heard.

Find comrades in misfortune

It is likely that you are not the only one who is being mobbed in your friendly team. If one of your colleagues is also constantly forced to endure attacks and provocations from colleagues, you will probably have a couple of them with him. common themes for conversation. It is unlikely that you will be able to form an invincible alliance, but at least you will have a psychological outlet that will help you cope with other problems faster.

Eliminate mistakes at work

Even if the office has turned into a psychological battlefield for you, this does not mean that you need to forget about work. Your opponents are just waiting for you, carried away by confrontation with them, to begin to ignore your immediate responsibilities. Believe me, run to your boss with a shout: "Ivanov has again filled up the supply of pumps to the regions!" - will be the greatest joy for them. It is clearly in your best interest to avoid this. Having started a war with your colleagues who dislike you, work as if your life directly depends on it. By the way, in a sense it is.

Appeal to the strong

Any competent leader understands that mobbing in his team harms business. Naturally, he will try to prevent it. Therefore, after a particularly insidious provocation, do not hesitate to draw the chief's attention to it. Most likely, he will intervene (unless, of course, he is the main mober, although in this case you are already looking for a new job). And in general, since they are trying to denigrate you in every possible way in front of the authorities, show your whiteness and fluffiness as soon as possible. But retaliatory attacks towards colleagues are best avoided - even in war, not all means are good.

Prophylaxis

Having achieved a more or less high position, you actually exclude yourself from the number of potential objects of mobbing. However, looking down on the rattle of your subordinates is the worst thing a boss can do. Mobbing is detrimental to the team as a whole. Talking about work in an environment where more than half of the employees are busy spreading rumors and weaving intrigues is simply pointless. Therefore, in order to reduce or eliminate the likelihood of mobbing in the team entrusted to you, take into account the following.

Get rid of the thieves

If you can somehow influence the selection of personnel, introduce a strict taboo on hiring relatives and old friends of your employees. The presence of tribal clans naturally leads to the emergence among them of a sense of their own elitism and impunity. Practice shows that it is among such singing "get-togethers" that mober initiatives are most often born. True, the situation can develop exactly the opposite: a relative who has been hired will fill a vacancy that one of the "veterans" has long dreamed of. It is he who will lead the team to attack the newcomer.

Bring in communism

We are not calling on you to build a welfare society in a single team. Just try to provide your subordinates with more or less equal working conditions and pay. For example, do not allow employees to receive new office chairs with a back massager and built-in coffee maker one by one: “upgrade” all workplaces at the same time. Make it as difficult for employees as possible to learn about the numbers on the payroll. Finally, avoid having your favorites, especially female ones, or at least keep your sympathies a secret.

Provide access to information

If some information about the affairs of the company is not intended for a limited circle of users, for example, top management, it should be truly publicly available. They help make them so different kinds meetings, planning meetings and briefings. All this allows keeping hundreds of mines up to date with the main information flows... As a result, there is no elite caste in the collective, which learns important information earlier than others. And in every possible way seeks to abuse this.

RISK GROUP

If you fall into one of these categories, the likelihood of being mobbed increases dramatically.

Outside employee
Serfdom we were canceled more than 150 years ago, but it is still customary to outbid especially valuable souls. Such an employee in a new place receives privileges in at least three parameters: wage, the attention of bosses and the dislike of colleagues.

Inexperienced beginner
If you did not serve in the army and escaped bullying, you will probably have to more than taste all its delights in your first job. This, of course, is not exactly mobbing, but it can also lead to thoughts of dismissal.

Pensioner
"Make way for the young!" Hiding behind such a life-affirming slogan, comrades under the age of 50 and older are accused of sclerosis, senile dementia, non-modernity and other incompatible with labor activity features. If you happen to be such a pensioner and do not occupy the chair of a director or minister, mobbing towards you is almost inevitable.