My story about psychological vampirism would be incomplete if I did not tell how a person eats himself. This story goes back to childhood. The whole process of education is a process of instilling certain rules (principles, instructions), which then begin to eat a person if he blindly follows them.
In fact, we are in a Procrustean bed of written and unwritten rules. Moreover, we get so used to them that we take them for our essence. And thinking that we live for ourselves, in fact we live for these rules, giving them all our spiritual energy. Rules (principles, instructions) - these auto-vampires - do not give us rest even in a dream.
“I was betrayed by my beloved student, my hope, my future, betrayed at the very difficult moment when I so counted on his help. "I was betrayed best friend, subordinate, husband, etc.” Such or approximately such statements I quite often had to listen to from patients or clients who were usually in a depressed state. Quite often they repeated: “How to continue to live? Who can be trusted? Of course, I consoled them and, as best I could, treated them. Everything was getting better, but after a while they again became victims of betrayal. I internally resented their "stupidity" and again continued to help.
But only when I was betrayed did I appreciate Hugo's statement: "I am indifferent to the knife blows of the enemy, but the pin prick of my friend is painful to me." And I decided to fully understand this phenomenon, to try to develop measures to prevent betrayal, to find out the characteristics of behavior when you have already been betrayed, to find out if you have betrayed someone yourself, to describe the psychological portrait of a traitor. I already have the material.
Why three vampires in one section? The fact is that their destinies are intertwined in the notorious triangle. In the future, I'm going to write a whole novel about them. You already know a little about the life of the Eternal Prince and Cinderella. Now I will tell about them in more detail.
The Eternal Prince is one of the promising ones. At school, he is an excellent student, but since he is brought up in a "greenhouse" in conditions of increased moral responsibility, he does not develop his abilities, does not satisfy desires and, therefore, from childhood he is constantly in a state of pronounced emotional stress.
One of my students during psychological studies posed the following problem. She is going to get married. The applicant for her hand and heart, a cadet graduate of the Military Academy, was appointed to Far East. And her mother said: “I dedicated my whole life to you. If you leave, I will die." Daughter is confused. She loves her fiancé, but does not want her mother to be hurt.
A simple analysis shows that there is no smell of love for a daughter here, if love is understood as an active interest in the life and development of the object of love. The daughter is about to get married. Mother doesn't mind young man. But for the daughter, a graduate of the medical school, marriage is development. And the mother opposes her development and generally against human nature.
The name is taken from the fairy tale of the same name. Let me briefly recall its content. A certain gentleman, nicknamed Bluebeard (no matter how he shaved, because of dark hair his face always had a bluish tint), wives often died. Nevertheless, after a while he managed to marry again. Having lived a few days after the wedding with his new, thirteenth, wife, he went on a long trip, leaving his wife to manage a rather large household.
He gave her the keys to all his rooms. big house and warned her that she had the right to open any door, enter any room, and generally do anything. The only condition: do not go into a small closet. Violation of this condition threatened death. The husband even warned when he would return. Everything was going well, but on the day before his return, curiosity got the better of him.
This article is about the relationships that arise when two people communicate. Sometimes already at its initial stages it is possible to predict for many years in advance how the matter will end. Therefore, a psychologically literate person is practically free from disappointments. No, knowledge of psychology will not save you from grief, but the absence of disappointments will lead to the fact that you will take responsibility for your fate and eventually gain experience.
So, the relationship between living organisms has three options:
What to do?
The most common type of vampirism is the Helpless Personality who poses a problem and the donors try to solve it. The game played by the Helpless Personality is called "Why don't you?..." - "Yes, but...". And no matter how many donors fight, no matter how many there are, no matter how smart they are, they will not solve the problem, and the vampire will defeat them all.
Well, just a golden man! He does well in school, and in college too. Works like a bee. For everyone. Failsafe. Clever. Talented. It looks like it's being driven. After the institute, he often goes to graduate school and defends his dissertation.
Efforts may be crowned with the fact that he will take a small position and rise one or two steps up the career ladder.
I have now tried to show you the wide and turbulent river of psychological vampirism. Now let's talk about its origins.
I have found three:
- "Original sin".
- Myths of modern life.
- Kashcheism.
Here we are talking not about that frank lie, which is worthy of condemnation and which was the norm of life in the era of socialism for the top. The representatives of the lower classes were heterogeneous: some believed, some doubted, some knew for sure that this was a lie. I don't blame or justify anyone. Yes, and at one time he believed, then he doubted, then he understood everything, but was silent. And after a while I figured out how to tell the truth. After all, psychological aikido was born in 1980. I christened him later.
Now I want to talk about those liars who lie without realizing it, and lie for noble reasons (for example, "white lies"). They lie not only to themselves, but also to others.
Psychological vampirism is not a new concept, but on the whole it is very vague and rather borrowed from esoteric literature. But really, how else to call people, after communicating with whom you feel such a breakdown and that it will take more than one day to recover? How to calculate such vampires and how to deal with them will be described in this article.
Signs of psychological vampirism
The famous psychotherapist M.E. Litvak wrote a book of the same name, in which he gave such a definition to the term "psychological vampirism" - this is the search for and use of people for their own protection and nourishment of their energy field. The author believes that there are several varieties of psychological vampires, here they are:
- blue Beard;
- helpless person;
- caring mother as a kind of psychological vampirism;
- cold woman;
- alcoholic;
- businesslike sufferer;
- Cinderella and the Princess and the Pea, etc.
It is easy to recognize in the surrounding people such a lover to feast on someone else's energy: it is enough to simply praise yourself in their presence. Not just to brag, but to celebrate real merit. The vampire will not miss such an opportunity and will immediately somehow caustically and insultingly comment on the words, trying to devalue the opponent's achievements. It is somehow not customary to talk about this, but psychological vampirism is also quite common in the family, when one of the household members constantly pesters others with some kind of reproaches, nit-picking, and most often insignificant.
How to fight?The anatomy of the conflict of psychological vampirism is simple: the more the opponent becomes inflamed, the deeper he is drawn into the squabble, the more comfortable and one might even say happier the vampire feels. How to deal with such a person in the environment? The most harmless way is to reduce communication to zero. If contact is unavoidable, a technique called "psychological aikido" can be applied. Its essence is to agree with the vampire in everything and always say “yes” to him, thereby disarming him.
Well, the surest and most proven way is to be self-confident, not be led by some kind of vampire and be above them, pity these poor people, if possible. A constant increase in your self-esteem and work on your personal growth will be a guarantee that no one will even dare to approach such a person, let alone pump energy out of him.
The following techniques have an energy background.
With repeated use, they change your image in the eyes of the vampire, and he crosses you out of the list of his victims.
Read the safety instructions before using any of them.
☑ 1. The use of techniques to neutralize the psychological vampire leads to side effects.
☑ 2. The quality of side effects depends on the stage of the disease of the aggressor.
☑ 3. Irregular use will cause the vampire to become addicted and ineffective.
☑ 4. Irregular use will cause the vampire to use more sophisticated taunt scenarios.
☑ 5. The first and main side effect is temporary alienation from the aggressor. You have to be prepared for this and take it for granted.
Taming family tyrants
Psychological vampirism in the family is a common phenomenon.
What to do if a vampire or a tyrant is a close and beloved person?To endure, driving your health, or follow the recommendations of psychologists?What if their advice doesn't help?
There are answers to these questions, and you will know them.
What to do if a person with destructive thinking is not just a close, but a sick parent? In addition, before the illness was a bright, dominant personality?
I promised to answer in detail - I fulfill the promise. I think the above examples of situations and methods of protection will be of interest to most readers.
Psychological vampirism is not curable
In order not to pour water, we will omit the answers to questions about why psychological vampirism exists and what are its roots. I do not consider it necessary to shine with a second education, retelling the concepts of repression, transference and the manifestation of children's imprints. Much has been said about this, and for the victim, the medical history does not matter. She can't change anything.
AT pedagogical approach I don’t believe it is impossible to subtly re-educate a person who has crossed the 25-year mark, as women’s publications advise. Don't even try - it's a waste of time and self-importance.
Psychological vampirism often accompanies energy vampirism. These are two sides of the same coin, even if a close tyrant, not a whiner. A reader skeptical of energy vampirism may close the page. Breaking the cliches of the Soviet general education program is a thankless task, and I'm tired of turning the site into an educational program circle.
Common techniques - pros and cons
What do we all advise on the Internet and magazines? Extracts from books on popular psychology. Otherwise - cabinet reading. Why am I so harsh? Because I personally know good family and other psychologists who fit the definition of "a shoemaker without shoes." These people could not change anything in their status quo until they began to apply the proposed techniques. What were they doing before this? They distanced themselves, adjusted, created an artificial attitude to the situation. These are all forms of psychological defense and manipulation.
A defense based on "stranded, Emelya, your week" will lead to an increase in aggression or the vampire will find more and more sophisticated and subtle moves. For a long time, only a very stable person can close himself off from a narcissistic blockhead in this way.
Fable fox adjustments are time consuming and pamper the psychological vampire. In the end, you will hurt him, and you yourself will feel bent. Such techniques are suitable for gutta-percha characters, usually forced to endure arbitrariness due to circumstances.
Saying affirmations like "I love you" and artificially catching up on bright emotions is a form of self-deception. You won't be long enough. To deceive others is a sin or salvation, to deceive oneself is a clinic.
Recall best moments and looking at a person through the eyes of the past is a strong reception. But. This is a small "but", which will cross out all the pluses. Before the induction effect kicks in, you can burn off your positive reserves. After all, reality will demonstrate the opposite.
More. Any techniques that include unconscious induction - feedback are good and effective. But this takes time! How long will you last?
In addition, do not forget about energy vampirism. If your loved one constantly needs nourishment, of the methods offered by psychologists, only internal transparency is suitable. This is when you absolutely do not care what and in what tone the aggressor says. Everything else is food for the chronophage and the vampire.
Psychological vampirism - stages of the disease
It is customary to divide psychological and energy vampires into types. Aggressors and sycophants, patrons and balabolki - you can't count them all. Actually a vampire different situations changes disguises, shedding old roles, like a snake - skin.
Psychological and even more so energy vampirism is a disease that has long been recognized as the norm. Under what sauce your health and time will be eaten - it doesn’t matter, only the stage of the disease matters for protection. Suitable for initial soft tricks, on the last - only hard.
I repeat - the disease is not treated by home performances. You will not be able to cause catharsis and transformation - this is the business of professionals. Reading pamphlets on NLP and Ericksonian hypnosis are of the same practical value as books on karate or wushu. Beautiful, understandable, but without persistent and long practice it is useless.
Each vampire has his own scenario of provocations. Someone harasses with notations, the other constantly whines or is rude. The frequency and strength of his activity depend on the degree of employment and health status. The most terrible vampires are very close people. They feel good about all of our vulnerabilities know the response patterns. Attacking you for them is a program of behavior that they don’t want to fight. From the point of view of Christian asceticism, this is a form of possession.
I do not advise you to try to exorcise demons (neutralize the program). You can only correct its algorithms. To do this, determine the stage of the disease - my table will help you.
A warning! We are all not perfect, a psychological and / or energy vampire can be called loved one only in the case of systematic provocations that have a clearly expressed cyclicality - certain days or watch.
Stages of psychological and energy vampirism
1. In general, everything is fine, but on certain days or hours, moralizing, whining or nitpicking begins. There is a clear and unambiguous reason for this.
2. Such days are often issued and occasions are insignificant.
3. The aggressor is constant, he does not need reasons.
Techniques for Neutralizing Psychological Vampires
The following techniques have an energy background. With repeated use, they change your image in the eyes of the vampire, and he crosses you out of the list of his victims. Read the safety instructions before using any of them.
Safety instructions
1. The use of techniques to neutralize the psychological vampire leads to side effects.
2. The quality of side effects depends on the stage of the disease of the aggressor.
3. Irregular use will cause the vampire to become addicted and ineffective.
4. Irregular use will cause the vampire to use more sophisticated taunt scenarios.
5. The first and main side effect is temporary alienation from the aggressor. You have to be prepared for this and take it for granted.
You can not apply other psychological and energy techniques in parallel with these. Most of them are based on a compromise - the gift technique and its analogues. No compromise! Make your choice - play the victim or stop it.
Read the neutralization techniques and choose for yourself in accordance with the stage of the disease of the aggressor.
Stage 1 Psychological Vampire Neutralization Technique
To begin with, develop the habit of using this technique in response to provocations of any kind.
At first, you will habitually join the imposed scenario and react like a zombie.
To get used to it faster, connect in your thoughts this person and the technique used.
His mere presence should remind you of the need to be on your guard.
When a despot or a whiner starts to spin his hurdy-gurdy, you respond to this:
1. Imagine how his height decreases right before your eyes. Direct all your strength not to an emotional response, but to the performance! Your goal is to visually hold the image of a despot no more than one meter high.
2. Know: in any case and in any turn of events, you are completely safe. Speak calmly and with humor, not for a second forgetting that your counterpart is the size of a gnome. Whatever he's up to, he can't do serious harm.
3. Know: all his complaints are an attempt to feed on your energy and time. In no case do not empathize with him and do not delve into his far-fetched problems. Temporary feeding on your part only aggravates his situation. At least out of mercy, be absolutely neutral.
Remember: all the time of the contact, keep a small copy of it in your head.
Stage 2 Psychic Vampire Neutralization Technique
In the event of another attack by the aggressor:
1. Let go of everything and remember a funny moment from life or cinema.
2. Looking at the vampire, imagine that his height is decreasing, and he begins to make unnatural movements - twitching his legs and arms, shrugging his shoulders, winking and licking.
3. When the growth of this funny little man will not exceed one meter, fix it in your mind and admire the antics. At the same time, you know - you are completely safe!
Neutralization of the psychological vampire of the third stage
At first, try not to see him for a while. Tune in that in relation to him a new life begins.
When the vampire takes over:
1. In no case do not give in to your old and familiar reaction - you are not a zombie!
2. Imagine that a transparent, thick wall has appeared between you and the aggressor.
3. Hold the image of the barrier in your mind, mentally compacting it to the level of an almost physical sensation.
4. Begin to feel that the barrier muffles all sounds from the other side, and even the light on the side of the aggressor has become dimmer.
5. While he screams, growls or bleats, his eyes popping out, imagine that he turns into a translucent hologram.
6. Hold the image of the barrier and the hologram at the same time.
7. Remove the barrier. The former dictator is just a hologram, in fact, he and his claims are not real. You have the power to cut this channel out of your life.
8. No sympathy, annoyance and the like, holograms do not sympathize!
With the constant use of any of these techniques, after some time (depending on the degree of intimacy and your energy), a temporary break in relations will occur. Then rapprochement is inevitable, but at a normal level that suits you.
These techniques neutralize hysterical or very domineering, but adequate people. If your situation is somewhat different (alcoholism, tyranny with beatings, etc.), contact the appropriate authorities.
Sincerely, Vladimir Darov
At the mention of vampires usually those who, like Dracula, drink human blood, come to mind, but this article will not talk about them, but about people who surround us daily and take away from many with their mere presence vitality and mood. Psychologists call them energy or psychological vampires. Not every person can resist the attack of an energy vampire, especially people with low self-esteem who are used to listening to the opinions of other people and who cannot say “no” to anyone are especially susceptible to their influence. Basically, energy vampires look for trusting, kind and compassionate people to satisfy their emotional needs.
If you treat among them, it is not surprising that after communicating with some people you experience a breakdown, irritability and dissatisfaction with your life. In order to find an antidote for an energy vampire and neutralize it, let's first try to figure out what psychological vampires are and how to recognize them.
All psychological vampires can be conditionally divided into two groups: the first group includes people who unconsciously take someone else's energy, and the second - "conscious" vampires who understand the essence of what is happening and get satisfaction from it. In life, there are more energy vampires of the first group who draw energy without wanting it themselves, mainly due to feelings of loneliness, chronic illnesses, nerve problems, or simply inability to behave.
Energy vampire every person can become unconscious. All people are interconnected by different ties: family, friends, relatives and workers. In the process of communicating with them, many are used to talking about their lives, discussing other people, arguing, arguing, joking and sorting things out. During these communications, the return or absorption of someone else's energy occurs.
The most common type of energy vampire These are the so-called "aggressors". Everyone knows people who constantly shout, swear, defend their views and demand unconditional submission from others. At work, such a psychological vampire can be a boss, at home - a tyrant husband, a dissatisfied wife, mother-in-law or mother-in-law. They try to stir up a scandal for any reason, just to give vent to their emotions and provoke resentment from their "victim".
Aggressive types of energy vampires differ in that during communication they look for the most sensitive and most vulnerable point in the interlocutor, and then skillfully strike at this sore spot. And when the victim violently and irritably begins to defend himself, expressing his emotions, the vampire rejoices at this. He received the desired energy and can even smile in response. To protect yourself from an aggressive type of vampire, do not give him a reason to "take" energy. If a scandal or dispute arises, willingly agree with it or bypass all discussions, immediately making it clear that this topic of conversation is not interesting to you.
To the next type of energy vampire in one can include people who constantly demand pity for themselves, despite their normal state. It can be elderly parents who use the boundless love of their children and constantly cry to them about how difficult life is for them. They don't actually do it bad life but from loneliness, wanting to attract more children into your life. This category also includes capricious wives who feel great, but complain about feeling unwell in order not to do housework, as well as husbands who thus shirk the need to earn money.
Pitying them and doing for them work, the other person gives them his energy. A friend or just an acquaintance who talks all the time about how bad her life is, can also tire her with her conversations and take away energy. When communicating with the pathetic type of energy vampires, try to cross their complaints about life and move the conversation to neutral topics.
Helpless type of energy vampires can also be considered pathetic, but he differs from them in his inability to solve his own problems. These are patients who lie in bed and require care and attention from loved ones. For example, when caring for a sick person who is bedridden, many people give up their lives and very soon begin to get sick themselves because of the full return of energy to them. In order to protect yourself from the helpless type of vampirism, help, but do not allow yourself to be completely used. If you have undertaken to do good deeds, then you do not need to turn yourself into a victim.
Last type of psychological vampirism observed by overly loving, kind and caring people who do not have their own interests and try to get into someone else's life. Their desire to help in everything eventually becomes unbearable. These can be mothers-in-law, mothers-in-law, darling wives, who, without asking the wishes of their husband or children, undertake to do any work for them at their own discretion. It is inconvenient to express dissatisfaction with such an assistant, but you also want to live on your own. In order not to become a victim of a good vampire, try never to complain to them about your life and not to visit them in your problems.
Good afternoon, Dear Readers. I keep writing about psychological vampirism . In the previous article, you met such Vampires as the Helpless Personality (BL), Blue Beard(SB) and Businesslike Sufferer (DS). Today I will describe in detail the most common female vampires - the Cold (Frigid) Woman (HJ or FJ) and the Caring Mother (ZM).
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So, Frigid Woman. It was first identified and described by Eric Berne in the theory of his psychological games. This type The vampire is most often found in romantic, love and sexual relationships, as well as in the family.
In the latter, vampirism manifests itself as follows: the husband has a nice conversation with his wife, after a while he wants sexual intimacy. He begins to pester her, but she lazily brushes it off, his sexual desire is growing, he is becoming more assertive. At a certain moment, the wife shouts out angrily: “I told you that you are a dirty animal! All you want is sex! You ruined everything! After all, it was good just to communicate!”. A violent scandal begins.
When this is repeated frequently, the husband resigns himself and temporarily renounces sexual claims. Several weeks (or months) pass. He behaves calmly, still showing no initiative for sexual intimacy. Then the wife becomes more affectionate and, as if absent-minded: by chance she can walk naked around the room or ask her husband to give her a towel in the bathroom. The spouse, naturally, begins to perceive such behavior as a signal for reconciliation. But when he again actively begins to engage in sexual activities, he again hears in response: “I told you that you are a dirty animal! All you want is naked sex!
The unlucky husband decides not to succumb to such provocations anymore. Some time passes, his wife comes up to him, hugs his neck, kisses him gently and says: “What a sweetheart you are!”. Their relationship becomes warmer, but when it comes to sexual intimacy again, the wife again angrily shouts the same ill-fated phrase in her husband’s face: “I told you that you are a dirty animal! ...”. The husband is trying to find a way out. Friends advise him to have a mistress. Some do just that. When the secret becomes clear (and it inevitably and always becomes clear), another scandal flares up in the family, and the wife again shouts to her husband: “I told you that you are a dirty animal! All you want is naked sex!
In the game described by Bern, one can observe all the signs of psychological vampirism. First, the VJ caresses its victim, and then freely drinks psychological juices from it. It must be remembered that at the beginning of every psychological game, the donor seems to win. So it is here: first there are affectionate words, physical and psychological strokes, hugs and kisses.
Dear Readers, I think you have already guessed that the energy that was supposed to go to love and sex goes to the scandal, which is its complete analogue (of course, in a perverted oral form). Take a closer look at the scandal. We observe a change in the rhythm of breathing, the heart begins to beat stronger, sweating increases, movements become more pronounced, and, finally, emotional discharge occurs. For our body, the significance of the scandal (as well as sex) is extremely high! It not only heals the entire body, but also removes accumulated psycho-emotional stress. It is known that people who restrain their emotions get sick more often and more severely! In his lectures on psychotherapy, Mikhail Litvak rightly believes that in order to find out what a woman is like in bed, it is not even necessary to spend the night with her! It is enough just to see how often and with what force she scandalizes. Yes, and the scandals that break out in public transport and queues are 90% related to sexual dissatisfaction and only 10% of cases are due to objective reasons. Some psychoanalysts even attribute many wars to sexual dissatisfaction. Yes and serial killers, such as Chikatilo, as a rule, are people who are sexually inferior.
Why don't VJ and her husband break up? The problem is that they are relatively comfortable with each other. Mikhail Efimovich, not without reason, believes that this is a psychopathological addition. A wife, sooner or later, though not very often, has to yield to her husband. After tantrums, scandals and provocations, what quality will they have sex? That's right, bad. The wife remains unsatisfied and often, after inferior sex, she arranges another scandal for her husband, not realizing that she herself was the reason for this. However, it makes no sense for her to change her husband. Unfortunately, in our society, being a married woman is more prestigious than being divorced. On the one hand, social norms and social dogmas put pressure on her, on the other hand, if she gets divorced, she will have to look for another husband and again bring him to impotence, and here the job has already been done.
He doesn't want to get divorced either. I hear a surprised question: “How? How can a normal man be satisfied with such a state of affairs? Answer: normal - no. However, even before marriage to VJ, such men have serious sexual problems in the form of various manias, fears and phobias. I will not enumerate everything; here are a few basic ones: fear of impotence, fear of leaving a woman unsatisfied, fear of betrayal, fear of being abandoned, and others based on.
As we have already found out, VJ husbands are unconsciously tormented by fears of failure in sexual intimacy, therefore they themselves (more precisely, their subconscious) choose such partners who, in the end, also tend to avoid intimate life as much as possible (of course, they have their own motives and their own fears). Alas, our society often combines weak men and frigid women. At the same time, from the outside, such a couple may even seem happy. In public, VJ can sit on her husband's knees, hug, kiss. Women envy her: “She created such a strong and happy family! Men envy him: “Oh, what a woman. Beautiful, sexy, affectionate, tender! But only he knows what kind of hell is going on in his soul, and that all her steam goes into the whistle.
Why do weak men endure and do not leave VJ? The main reason Mikhail Litvak sees is strong psychological discomfort due to reduced potency: it is difficult to go into the unknown. But here all the same, at least something, at least somehow, at least sometimes, the husband has. Our men often do not dare to turn to a sexologist. In a word, the consequences of this kind of psychological vampirism are extremely severe. But his victims rarely turn to psychotherapists, being treated to no avail by doctors of a completely different profile.
Further, Mikhail Litvak describes an example in which a young woman Ts., 36 years old, suffering from obsessive fears of sharp objects, was afraid to be the last to harm her six-year-old son. She was aware of the absurdity of her fears, but there was nothing she could do about it. She also suffered from other fears: agoraphobia (she was afraid to cross the streets herself) and claustrophobia (she was afraid to be alone in a confined space, be it a bus, an elevator or a room with closed door). The patient's fears arose shortly after the birth of her son. Repeatedly carried out at the neuropathologist treatment of effect did not give.
Analyzing the childhood of the patient, Mikhail Litvak found out the following details: Ts. grew up in a family where 4 daughters were brought up, and her mother ran everything in the house. From her, girls often heard the phrase that only such a family can be strong, in which the wife of her husband does not love, but he loves her (then, based on her logic, it becomes easier to manage), that all men are dirty animals, except they don't want sex anymore. As a rule, the father was silent in the house. When he came home from work, he ate, after dinner he read newspapers and went to bed. “Father never spoke to us. Sometimes his mother asked him to do something around the house. He did it in silence."
When C. was seventeen, she began dating a guy a year older than her. When she was eighteen, he proposed to her. Soon he was drafted into the army. Before the call, he wanted to register a marriage: C. refused him intimate relationships, citing moral principles. But she did not agree to marriage before the army. As it can now be safely assumed, Ts did not have any difficulties while waiting for him. She did not waste time, and while future husband served in a remote garrison, successfully entered the engineering institute. When he returned and proposed to her again, she again refused to marry him: now the reason was her studies, or rather, the fear that family life might prevent her from graduating from college. C. asked for a deferment until she graduated from the institute.
Already here it is obvious that the patient is subject to the action of powerful Parental programs inherited from her mother. Otherwise, she would have married before he left for the army, and her sexual life, most likely, would have started even before marriage.
But when the justification for the delay was studying at the institute, it becomes clear even to the layman that she is a VJ vampire. Unfortunately, at that time, sick Ts. herself had no idea what a tragedy her family life would turn into. However, this time she got a bad donor. Having suffered a little, persuading her to marry (men, let's remember that persuading means raping), he ended his relationship with her and soon married another.
Our heroine Ts. continued to study successfully, went to institute evenings, flirted with the guys, but it didn’t come to sexual relations. Some suggested that she marry, but all proposals of this kind, C. categorically rejected: "First, you should finish your studies." Cavaliers often changed. Then there was one constant admirer who carried her briefcase. She confided her girlish secrets to him. There was no question of sexual intimacy, even at the level of hugs and kisses. In a word, he idolized her.
Reluctantly, she did marry him. Sexual relations did not work out right away. C. felt a strong physical disgust for her husband. "Good man. Does everything for me. My friends envy me. And at night I'm like a frog in the same bed. I try to lie away from him so that, God forbid, he doesn’t touch me.
Naturally, after 6 months of happy family life, C. developed hypertension (in principle, any other disease could develop). The treatment had no effect. Intimate ties almost ceased. But when C became pregnant, the hypertension disappeared. Yes, this is not surprising. There's a new "legitimate" reason to avoid intimacy: Small child, diapers, sleepless nights. But when the son, as luck would have it, an exact copy of the unloved husband, stopped crying at night, the obsessions described above appeared. Her husband accompanied the patient to the reception, but he never entered the office. The patient was categorically against his conversation with a psychotherapist. When Litvak insisted, C. told about all the sexual problems. She unconsciously transferred her hatred for her husband to her son, so on the one hand (subconsciously) she wanted to hurt him with sharp objects, on the other (consciously) she was afraid of it.
As a rule, VJs get married late and for the worst (more precisely, for the only remaining) option. At the level of consciousness, this justifies their coldness. Further, they twist ropes out of weak-willed men, coquettishly luring them into psychological games, but they do not know how to truly love.
One of my clients told how, in marriage, her mother endlessly denied her father intimacy. The reasons were different, but sometimes they were simply ridiculous: hypertension, indigestion, children, “we are already old”, “you have to work tomorrow, and you will not sleep well and get tired.” The suffering of VJ ended after the death of her husband from prostate cancer. According to the client, her mother still believes that she and her husband “have lived a long and happy life", and also "raised the right, obedient and smart children." Guess what problem a client came to me with? Correctly! Lack of sexual attraction to members of the opposite sex.
In Psychological Vampirism, Michael Litvak describes another sexual game played by Cold Single Women with their victims. It is called: "Get off, Fool" or, more simply, "Dynamo". The game can go in three versions. The first one is Easy Flirting. A woman admires a man, demonstrating her accessibility. He begins to look after her, compliments her and escorts her home, hoping that he will be invited to visit. However, the door closes in front of his nose, and he hears: “Thank you for the compliments! We had such a great evening." The man walks away somewhat discouraged, which gives VJ a perverse sexual gratification. This option is called: "Thank you for the compliments."
The second option is called "Misunderstanding". She invites him to her place and continues her provocations. Further, Mikhail Litvak cites a poem by the poet of the thirties, Sasha Cherny. It's called "Misunderstanding". Here it is summary: the poetess of the Balzac years invited an ardent brunette to visit, began to read him vulgar provocative poems of an intimate nature, but immediately after his sexual claims, an ardent brunette, in addition accusing Him of rudeness, lust and depravity.
The third option is "Fake Shout". Mikhail Litvak describes it as follows: “A woman gives herself to a man, enjoys sexual intimacy, and then shouts: “Sentry! Raped!”, receiving certain benefits from the lawsuit. Do you think I sympathize with the victims? Nothing like this! One must be able to distinguish manifestations of love from the maneuvers of a vampire and act psychologically competently. Then you can get some pleasure from the admiring glances of a vampire without giving him psychological juices. Do not go to see off, and if he went, do not strive to enter the house, and if he entered, do not pounce. Men, of course, VJ can slander you as an impotent, but what do you care what fools think of you? (smart people go about their business; they are not up to gossip). After all, in fact, you have everything in order with sex! ”
Sometimes vampires resort to such tricks, in which you involuntarily fall into the horns of an alternative: "I'll go on a picnic with you, but just promise that everything will be without nonsense?" And the young man is in a psychological trap! If he doesn’t do “stupid things”, the VJ will then laughingly say to his friends: “This impotent did not even try to kiss me!”. But if she tries to do this, she will say: “What are you doing! We agreed without nonsense! Mikhail Litvak recommends answering the offer to behave without stupidity like this: “Since I can’t vouch for myself, I refuse to have a picnic!” It is best to do this 15 to 20 minutes before the appointed time by calling the vampire on the phone. Once I did just that, having figured out a vampire even during Internet correspondence on a dating site: when we agreed to take a walk, she immediately set the condition - “Just so that you don’t pester me.” Half an hour before the date, I called her and said that I can’t vouch for myself, I can’t restrain myself and start pestering, so I refuse to meet. This meeting had neither meaning nor chances of success, since the stereotypical dogmas and patterns of behavior of the VJ were already revealed during the correspondence. I often hear: "It's hard to immediately determine what kind of person is in front of you." I agree, it's hard at first. However, if you develop a psychological ear, then even with a couple of phrases you can easily calculate what kind of person you are communicating with and whether it is worth dealing with him. Of course, this requires methodical work on oneself, but without it it is impossible to achieve success in life! If you want the world to change, change yourself (after all, the world does not have an emotional coloring), and completely different events will happen to you.
By the way, in the example described above, VJ also behaves like Bluebeard, while simultaneously playing the game “Gotcha, Bastard!”. Only she sets the condition not regarding work or study, but imposes restrictions on the partner's sexual behavior.
But I digress. How to identify and neutralize VF? Finding it can be quite difficult. The first signs of future VF are usually seen closer to adolescence. And now a small example from the life of my client. I give him the floor: “Some time ago I met with T. Our relationship was in the nature of hugs and kisses, it didn’t come to sex. We met for about three weeks. Even without being a psychologist, this time was enough for me to understand that if we have sex, it is not known how many years later, and it is not clear what quality. We broke up on my initiative immediately after I invited her to my place, started to pester, but in response I heard the phrase: “You won’t wait.” I didn't wait, and I don't regret it one bit.
Of course, these relationships could not have been started safely, since during the period of communication Before the relationship, she described her previous love stories something like this: persons of the opposite sex, especially Caucasians. You can't even call them men! Dirty animals! All they wanted was naked sex. In addition to sex, they don’t have any thoughts in their heads anymore. ” Or: “All men are goats! They only have sex on their minds!" AT adulthood T. had a long-term (six months) relationship without intimacy, in which she refused the guy due to distrust. At first there were many gentlemen, after graduation from the institute, their number decreased sharply. Those who ran after her, she sent away and, finally, she was left alone. Now she was running after men. However, all her steam went off into the whistle (compliments, flirtatiousness), because lovers of relationships Without intimacy among the males cannot be found in the afternoon with fire. Fortunately for myself, I played only a cameo role in her life scenario.
But back to VJ games.
Eric Berne called such maneuvers a game of "shortcake". The girl asks her lover, a boy of 5-6 years old, to make her a shortbread pie. He obediently fulfills her request and waits for praise or even a kiss. However, instead of encouragement, he hears: “Fi, how dirty you are!”. But he became dirty because of her provocation! The Vampire Girl is already torn apart by internal contradictions. Due to her own Vampirism, she is no longer able to receive love from a partner of the opposite sex. Hidden transactions take place here (Fig. 1).
On the line B - B, the girl asks the boy to make a sand cake. On the D - R line (and here is the hidden transaction of psychological vampirism), she shows that she admires the boy. However, when the latter fulfills her request (reciprocal complementary hidden transaction along the Parent-Child line), the girl’s inner Parent, formed by the mother, pounces on her unfortunate admirer: “Fie, how dirty you are!”. The girl received the “psychological strokes” she needed, drawing energy from the boy, but she did not go to further deepen the relationship. Where was the acquired energy directed? That's right, to the psychological "prick" of his Child. As a result, her Child was left unsatisfied and the fault was her own Parent! Unfortunately, quite often stereotyped principles and patterns win over our true feelings and needs. However, such a victory is always tactical in nature: personal needs remain unsatisfied, sooner or later a disease develops.
So, Mikhail Litvak gives an example when already on early stages psychological vampirism harmed the vampire himself. A 15-year-old girl liked a boy. At the disco they danced all evening. He went to see her off and, in parting, wanted to stroke her breasts. In tremulous horror (the suppressed Natural Child) and righteous anger (the Critical Parent) she refused him. The next day she started having pains in the heart area. Went to the doctor. He listened to the heart and said that there was nothing to worry about. After a few days the pain was gone. Why did the sudden pain also abruptly stop? It is not difficult to guess that what the boy did not do, the doctor did. Then the patient met with the guys several more times and each time her inner Critical Parent forbade them to touch various parts of your body. The case ended in obsessive-compulsive disorder.
Dear Readers, as you have already understood, long before direct sex, by some signs it is possible to determine that we have a future FJ before us. As I wrote above, this Vampire is often quite attractive, so for some time gentlemen are spinning around him. Then all but one, the most devoted admirer, disappear. As a result, it is for him that the VJ marry his and their own grief.
In order to neutralize the VF, Eric Berne advises husbands to behave in such a way that in no case should they bring matters to a scandal, since it is in the scandal that the VJ comes off on the spouse full program: she gets perverted sexual satisfaction, sucking psychological juices out of him and giving nothing in return!
The VJ husbands rarely make contact with a psychotherapist. But even when this happened, Mikhail Litvak never managed to convince her husband to agree to complete abstinence from intimacy with his wife and wait for the moment when, due to the lack of scandals, she would remain sexually unsatisfied and, ultimately, she herself would take the initiative. Then a new psychological marriage arises, based on mutual love, the manifestations of vampirism disappear. Perfect option- when the FJ itself is aware of its problem and makes contact with a psychotherapist.
I understand, as a result of which the husbands of the VJ could not fully comply with the recommendations of Mikhail Litvak. The fact is that very often our VFs get stuck at the oral stage of the development of sexuality according to Freud (this will be discussed a little later), and here we cannot do without psychotherapeutic intervention that will help overcome the delay. That is, VJ simply does not want sex and the question of time is not here. They may not want it for a week, and a month, and a year ... They are frigid and until they are cured, there is no need to talk about any normal sexual desire. The trouble with VJ is also that Parental programs prevent them from relaxing and enjoying the process of sexual intimacy: they are clamped, enslaved, they have Must-Impossible, and not Want-Like, sitting in their heads. Here, no matter how hard a man tries, he will not be able to deliver pleasure to a woman and it is not his fault. As Mikhail Litvak says, “Don't try to make a cold woman hot. A cold woman is not an indifferent woman; it's just like a refrigerator that uses energy to make ice. So she needs help. But not a husband can do this, but a psychotherapist, preferably a man, provided that he does not have sexual contacts with her.
How to raise a cold woman? It is not hard. In addition, the easiest way is to talk about men, and especially about intimate relationships that lead to pregnancy, is very bad. “All men are dirty animals, they only want naked sex. And then he'll leave you!" Remember, from the opera: "Before the wedding, do not kiss him!". Concrete examples supporting these statements are real life and in works of art it is quite enough. It is not necessary to talk about this topic with your daughter.
In addition, the daughter can see the disrespectful attitude of the mother towards the father and by the mechanisms of identification (for more details, see the article about psychological protection Identification) transfer it to all men. In families where the father drinks, fights, mocks the mother and beats the children, FJ can also be brought up.
You ask: "How to explain that the percentage of dysfunctional families is much higher than the percentage of VF?". I answer with the words of Mikhail Litvak: “The nature of sexual attraction is such that it often turns out to be stronger than all parental prohibitions. But then the roll can go in the opposite direction - to sexual promiscuity. Remember the desire of a person to do everything the other way around (prohibitions have the opposite effect; Yu.L.)? Education will always give some effect. There are no neutral influences!
Quite often, FJ is brought up in "intelligent-aristocratic families." “We, my daughter, did not make it through. Look, don't miss. Learn better, don't think about boys. A great future awaits you." To her misfortune, the girl learns these "truths". She is engaged in a music school, a ballet club, an art studio, studies English, and attends the Beauty School. In the evenings, he reads novels about the bright fate of heroes and heroines. One of the book characters becomes the prototype of the future husband. Remember Tatyana from Pushkin's novel "Eugene Onegin": "All (images of literary heroes; Yu.L.) for a gentle dreamer In a single image clothed, In one Onegin merged." During classes in circles, she often uses special attention leader. Her classmates seem like puppies to her. She is waiting for her hero and ... does not gain much-needed sexual experience.
Here is what Mikhail Litvak writes about this: “The concept of “sexual relations” has a narrow and broad meaning. In a narrow sense, this is what is associated with the birth of children and obtaining sexual satisfaction. In a broad sense, this is generally the relationship between a man and a woman. When I give a lecture, I do not act in my gender role. A woman could have been in my place. But when I invite a woman to dance, open the door for her, help her carry heavy bags, here we can talk about sex life in the broadest sense of the word. At the same time, my personal qualities as a man are revealed and characterize me as a person.
So, sex education must be carried out from early childhood, that is, a woman should be educated from a girl, a man from a boy. After all, there is no worse creature of the middle sex! In addition, sexual education should be conducted from early childhood. We will talk a little later about the stages of development of sexuality according to Freud. Now I’ll just note that by the age of five, gender identification is clearly formed. The boy is aware of himself as a boy, and the girl - a girl. Then sexual relations in the broadest sense of the word should take shape. The boy at this time should be able to let his girlfriend go forward, bring her a satchel or briefcase, treat her with an apple, etc. They will walk holding hands. In adolescence, they will already walk hand in hand. Then hugs and kisses begin.
If a girl skips all these stages, reading novels and self-improvement, nourishing in her heart the fear of the opposite sex brought up by her parents and experiencing natural attraction to him, then when she marries, she will immediately have to comprehend sexual relations in the narrow sense of the word, and except horror, she will experience nothing. The first intimacy will consolidate the negative attitude towards men brought up by parents. Thus begins the stormy ascent to misfortune.
How can I explain to mothers who are glad that their daughter is all in business and does not meet with boys, that she, and therefore they, are on the verge of a great tragedy? Let's remember Pushkin's Tatyana. The image of her future husband was formed under the influence of the novels she read. When Onegin left their place, she refused both Buyanov and Petushkov, and married a general and an aristocrat. Tatyana is cunning when she says that all the lots were equal to her. After all, if they were equal, it would not be necessary to take her to Moscow to the bride fair. I think the tragedy of Tatyana was that she was a Cold Woman. Unfortunately, I often see such Tatyanas in my clinical practice.”
And now let's talk about the stages of development of sexuality according to Freud. I give the floor to Mikhail Litvak:
"Z. Freud described four stages in the development of sexuality. But he put a slightly different content into sexuality. He believed that any attachment is an action of love, and any disintegration is an action of the death instinct.
So, at the first stage (up to a year), the stage of oral cannibalism (oris - mouth in Latin), the sexual instinct is manifested by a sucking reflex. It is beneficial for the child. Thanks to this instinct, he saves his life. A sexually mature person has a mouth erogenous zone, and usually sexual intimacy begins with kisses. If sexuality does not develop further, it manifests itself in orogenital (oro-sexual) contacts. Softer forms of this underdevelopment are smoking, chatter with excessive facial movements, constant chewing, drinking. The second stage (from one to two years) is called the stage of anal sadism (anus - anus in Latin). If there is a delay at this stage, a variant of homosexuality may develop. In the third stage (four or five years), phallic (fallus - in Greek male penis), children have a need to examine and play with their genitals. Nothing wrong with that. But if sexual development is delayed at this stage, a disorder such as masturbation may develop. And, finally, at the fourth stage (14 years), a person becomes sexually mature.
If such a development has not happened, it is necessary to figure out at what stage it was delayed, to help yourself to ripen. Then the need to get sick will disappear.
Here's an example: An energetic woman in her 60s, a store manager, asked me to counsel her 33-year-old daughter who was in a state of prolonged depression.
The medical history was as follows. In the family, the girl was raised by her grandmother. The style of education is "greenhouse". On the one hand, greenhouse conditions, on the other hand, the grandmother insulted her granddaughter, speaking disparagingly about her appearance. Mother was a general in the family, she did everything for the well-being of the family. She lived, of course, for the family. She didn't need anything. Her second child was her husband. But the main attention, of course, focused on the daughter. When she grew up, in order to somehow improve her appearance, several plastic surgeries were performed. To be honest, I don't think they were needed.
When the time for love came, the patient practically did not meet with anyone for two reasons: she did not like the guys, because they were poorly educated, not quite cultured (the influence of the "greenhouse"); she felt unattractive. And if she liked someone, she believed that she had no chance of success (the influence of her grandmother's insults). There was no business interest. At the institute I studied easily, but without much interest. Then the state somehow compensated. There was a narrow circle of friends with whom she kept in touch. When she graduated from the institute, she began to work at an uninteresting job. In the evenings, she hung on the phone, chatting with her friends. Gradually, the friends got married. There was no one to talk on the phone with. There was a feeling of loneliness. When she was in her thirties, she was consulted by a well-known psychotherapist from another city. He advised her to come to terms with her fate, believing that everything will work out with time.
For a while she felt well. But a few months ago, a young man with serious intentions began courting her. She got excited. On the one hand, it seems to be necessary to get married, on the other hand, he seemed to her very primitive. The depression grew. Her mother could not take her to the former psychotherapist. She chose me, saying that she was collecting information about me, which turned out to be favorable. At first, she came to the interview alone, made sure that her personal impression coincided with the rumors, and then she brought her daughter.
In front of me sat a creature with absolutely no life experience. Only ambition, depression and anxiety. Our conversation began one on one. I analyzed with her the defects of her upbringing. He spoke a little about Z. Freud and the stages of development of sexuality that he described. Then he said that no one lives without sex. And if sexual attraction is not realized, it is forced out into the subconscious and manifests itself in a disguised form in illnesses, and sometimes in dreams. I offered her to understand herself, so that later she could take action.
The patient, without my help, identified her chatter as a manifestation of underdeveloped sexuality.
At the end of the conversation, I offered her inpatient treatment, but she refused. Then we agreed that she would attend training groups. When she left, I did not notice that she was excited.
The next day, my mother rang. She said that I insulted her chaste daughter, "who in her life has never kissed anyone, and I attributed perversions to her." She told me that her daughter had developed a severe depression, threatened me with all sorts of punishments if something happened to her daughter. She did not allow me to see my daughter again. I don’t know what they said there, but the deterioration of the daughter’s condition was due to the realization of the problem, and not due to the fact that she felt offended. And if so, then the daughter had a real opportunity to recover, which was not part of the unconscious plans of the Caring Mother (read about her portrait below; Yu.L.). So she destroyed the work done by the doctor.
Are there frigid men? Yes, there are. They have the same problems: delays in the stages of development of sexuality, the dogmas of the inner Parent, inspired by education and the myths of modern life
But enough about FJ. Dear Readers, I propose to move on to her closest relative - the vampire Caring Mother.
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