Probably mention of sailors for many causes an association with endless water expanses, travel and courageous people. However, the work associated with the marine element is not only romance, but also hard work. And since humor often helps to cope with difficulties, the jokes about sailors sometimes come up with representatives of this profession themselves. We present the reader to the reader a selection of similar funny stories.
Smile!
Both on land and the sea in the relationship between the authorities and subordinates often there are intense situations. Some jokes about sailors and talk about such cases.
The counter-admiral fell overboard and was saved by a sailor. Come a little in yourself, he asked the sailor:
How can I thank you for such a brave act?
The best way, sir, not to tell about this anyone. If other sailors find out, then I will be by board.
The old captain and his first assistant recall the former days of service in the sea fleet.
Captain: "Despite the raging element and a terrible bump, you always brought me a complete mug of tea overnight. How did you manage to do it, not splashing a single drop? "
First assistant: "Very simple. On a galley, I drank the sip of your tea, and in front of the door, the cabins spun it back into the circle. "
There are such anecdotes about sailors, where the last word remains behind the captain.
Old Sea Captain was sitting on a bench near the pier. Next to him sat down a young man with a squeeze on his head. It was hairstyles that were hairstyles were like a rainbow and just stunned by the riot of paints. Such a picture, of course, was interested in the old sea wolf, and he stared at the young man with curiosity.
What's the matter, grandfather? Do you have not performed insane actions in young years?
Yes, it happened, of course. One day we got drunk to the blue devils and slept with the parrot. But now I sit and think, maybe you are my son?
From life
Many jokes about sailors are based on real funny stories. And here is one of them.
Night, storm and impenetrable mist. Directly at the rate of the ship makes it a weak ray of light. The captain sees it and terrified on a possible collision runs to the radio.
Reaching the radio, he says: "Change the course for ten degrees to the east."
"Change your ten degrees to the West," the answer comes.
Captain: "I am the captain of the Navy! Change your course! "
"I am a second-class sailor," the next answer is returned. "Change your course."
Captain in rage. "I'm on the battle! I do not change the course! "
The sailor answers: "And I'm on the lighthouse!"
Witty
Always interesting and funny jokes about sailors with an unexpected ending.
Two sailors dine a fish with fish and argue about its advantages.
The first: "I heard that the fish is very useful for the brain."
Second: "I agree, I eat it constantly."
The first thoughtfully looking at the second: "Well, or another theory!".
Specifications: If you see that the seagull flies the ass forward, it means that the wind is really very strong.
The old boatswain died. In his will, he indicated that his dust dispelled over the sea. Make the will of the deceased went on the boat two young sailors. When they moved away from the shore to a rather long distance, one speaks to another:
Just once, come on!
- What to give?
Shovel, damn!
Shipwreck, the crew works harmoniously, departing passengers on rescue boats. One man is slow in indecision and asks the sailor:
How far from here land?
Somewhere Mile - the sailor will grumble sullenly.
And direction?
Vertical.
Probably, many are known to know what to trouble. Therefore, the long absence of a wonderful sex in the life of the men of this harsh profession was the reason for the composition of jokes.
Excerpt from the naval diary:
"After ten months of swimming, I did a discovery for myself. It turned out that I no longer love seafood. Frustration had to pour rum, and consolation find in male affection.
After shipwreck, several sailors were thrown into a uninhabited island. They spent several years there. One day, one of them saw that some object was swinging around the shore on the waves. When he fell closer, he discovered that it was a barrel, and a beautiful woman holds for him. Bigglefully looked at the sailor and said:
"Save me, and I will give you what you dream for so long."
The sailor replies enthusiastically: "Is it really beer in a keg?"
A young sailor asks Bottchman on how in the conditions of the Outdoor Sea, you can hide the ski-need without resorting to masturbation. Boatswie replies that the sailor can take advantage of a special barrel with a hole. The sailor tried, liked, asks Bottchman:
- How often can I?
- Yes Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, at least a clock day ...
- And on Thursday what? !!
- And on Thursday you sit in the barrel ...
Sailor only once in his life is called a man, and when he is overboard.
The girl asks the sailor:
- Smask, the sea is beautiful?
- Nine, never seen. I am a submariner.
You are a sailor, I am a sailor.
- You're a fisherman, I am a fisherman.
- You're on land, I'm at sea, got pregnant like?
Uncle, and who are you?
- I?! I am a sailor!
- Where do you work?
- On the ship.
- And, it is clear ... Well, tell me about your ship's shipyards.
The most severe sailor for his wife is to wait.
Day by day, to wait for an hour.
Wait when the husband will finally go to the sea.
Here you have a husband - a long-range sailor, you see him a week in a year, how do you tolerate something?
- A week?
... husband answers by phone:
- I do not know, call the weather bureau!
- Who called? - Asks wife.
- Probably some sailor. Asked how there on the horizon?
Hi, Tanya! Did you decide what will you meet your long-range sailor?
- Yes, I wanted in his beloved dress, but it is difficult to the outcast spot!
"I'll tell you that: a man in the sea was 5 years old." You would put on, which is not a pity !!!
My husband is a sailor. Eleven months a year he is in the sea and only a month on the shore.
- Oh, I imagine how you suffer.
- Nothing terrible, he holds his parents half of the holiday.
The sailor, having acquainted in the port bar with a girl, sat her to his knees. In the course of the total trep he says:
- Do you know what a tattoo is on my stomach? Submarine!
- Yes, I already feel periscope.
The head of the family working on a long-range ship arrived on vacation home.
A five-year-old daughter climbs into his knees and asks:
- Dad, and Dad! You are a sailor?
- Yes.
- Well, then tell me about your box life ...
Katya, move, otherwise I fall from the bed.
- And you learn to my back.
- You might think that then I will not fall.
- Sasha, Well, you're a former sailor ...
- So what?
- So it is necessary to moor and quit an anchor!
The sailor says a girlfriend:
- Well, what do I like today your evening robe!
- But there is nothing on me!
- So I like it just like!
Arrived into the port ship. The sailor went ashore and immediately removed the port AF @ stouture. Put her cancer and then went. She told him:
- Hey Selochk, not in that port drove!
- Yes, I don't care if only faster to unload ...
Square asked:
- Was the case that you were really scary?
- We transported like that cargo - 10,000 dolls.
And got into the storm.
And when the ship tilted to the right, then all these 10,000 dolls were told "Mom!"
Here I am and Ozr ... ...
They bring the sailor after the fight in the hospital with a torn X * eat, on the burnt of the La written. . Well, they operated on a new, nurse after he moved away from anesthesia to him:
- And I know how your wife was called ... Her name or Galya or Valya or Olya
- fool! It has been written there: "Hi of the fraternity from Sevastopol"
Sailor, returning from long-range swim Whether: "Six months without love. In your interest to meet me with a ladder."
Wife answers: "Six months without love. In your interest to go on the ladder first."
American started:
Russian:
Disabled all professions, and the American fell. Our hesitated, and his legs:
Russian with an American argued, who has more holidays. For the holiday - one short.
American started:
- Independence Day. Christmas. Easter ...- beat up a dozen two and put the forehead boldly: at the glands - what holidays?
Russian:
- But what: New Year. March 8. The 1 of May. November 7 ... Well, ... Fisherman's Day! Sailor Day !! Builder's Day!...
He beat off all the registers, and the American fell. Our hesitated, and his legs:
- Prepaid expense! Pay! Prepaid expense! Pay! Prepaid expense!!! Pay!!!
On the beach is a beautiful woman. There is a sailor:
- I would be moored for this harbor!
Woman refused. There is a pilot:
- I would land on this airfield!
Renouncement. There is a chauffeur:
- On this autodrome, I would make several laps!
The lady agreed, invited him to his home. Drank, dinner, lay down in bed. The driver falls asleep.
- What about several circles? - Watches a driver of the chauffeur.
- And when I drink, I do not sit behind the wheel.
The wife of Lieutenant Motorist to her husband comes and tells:
- Here is the man's head paratrooper, so he holds her on the hands of elongated over the balcony and Tr @ Het - Romance!
- Sveta has a sailor husband, he dials in a bath of water with a sea salt, clothes the van, takes the binoculars and give her tr @ Hatch - Romance!
- What can you offer?
Letha thought, says it means
Romance is needed, well ...
Gives it in both hands on the mirror, bending cancer, he moves a little back, takes off his pants and says:
- Well, come on, hand over the little back, on the mirrors ... orient on the mirrors!
There are three officers and begin to tell each other how they are returned from a business trip.
Sailor:
"I'm going back from a long-range sailing, I go to the harbor, I give a long beep." Wife knows that I came back. When I come home, the table covers, bottle on the table.
Pilot:
- I, when I come back from the flight, I make a dead loop over the house, I wish the wings. Wife knows that this is me. I come home - on the table your favorite dish, a bottle of brandy, well, and all that.
Border guy:
"Returning from the border, first with friends in Pivbar, then with girls in a nightclub, then in the sauna. After that - home, call on the door and with a gun - to the window. Not one bastard left ...
New York. Rides a man on a rose-bridge. Looks - a girl stands, jumping gathered. He is on the brakes and let her yell:
- What are you, Mrs! Do not try to do it!
She is:
- You can not understand. I have such depression. I do not want to live! All jump. . .
It:
- Wait! I am a sailor, I will spend you on a steamer. Preferred in the hold. We sail to Paris. You will see London, Rome. . . You will be depressed, and you will live happily ever after. . .
And persuaded. . . He led to the ship, and swam. Every evening visited her in the trum. . . I brought her food. . . (Well, and everything had it, naturally, too...). And they sailed so two weeks. And now, one day, the captain, making a trap, found her in the hold. And Mrs. chemishes:
- I beg you, do not dismiss the sailor! He is so good. . . He saved my life. I had such depression. I almost committed suicide. And he brought me here. He promised that I would see London, Paris, Rome. . . And again gain happiness. . .
And the captain in response:
- What is London, Madame, what Paris? This is a ferry!
Anecdotes about sailors will tell us about all the elements of the life of the sailor on the ship and on land. Marine humor and romance are the main advantages of this profession. In jokes about sailors, family relationships "faithful" wife and husband, a long-swory seaman, deserve separate attention. In our this topic is considered with humor and optimism.
In general, the life of sailors consists of solid jokes, except for longing to house. But these strong spirit and bold guys, look at everything with a smile and never be sad. There are still people with a peculiar look at life. About them says.
Square asked:
- Was the case that you were really scary?
- We transported like that cargo - 10,000 dolls. And got into the storm. And when the ship was tilted to the right, then all these 10,000 dolls were told:
- Mum!
- Here I was afraid ...
Land!!! Land!!! - shouted sailors on the ship.
- Meat !!! Meat!!! - shouted Papuans on the shore ...
On a sinking ship, one of the passengers asks the sailor:
- Is it from here to the ground?
- One mile - the sailor is gloomy.
- And in what direction?
- Vertical.
It walks down the street in the insole drunk sailor, in a Cooker dressed as a back on:
It means, it means and ribbons all the time excites:
Stewed all and says:
- Well, when will these reasons end?
Mooring to the shore ship. On the shore there are yawns. Sailor with a scream "Hall!" Throws an acclating end ashore and gets sewage straight in the forehead. TOT - BREAM! - and falls unconscious. Finally, he comes to himself, sees the sailor in front of himself and says: - "When you throw a half-one, shouts" Beware! ".
The ship was torpedoing and started sinking. Newbie in the naval, seeing that the experienced sailors tie themselves to various subjects, tied themselves to anchor.
Admiral loved to give the most unexpected teams. Having risen once on the ship, he removed the cap, threw her on the deck and announced the sailors:
- This is a bomb. Your actions?
One young sailor, not thinking for a long time, hit the foam leg so that she fell into the water. Everyone hoped their breath, waiting
Admiral reaction. He pointed out a hand on a floating cap and gave a new team:
- Man overboard!
A young sailor is going to first swimming and asks his father, a seaman's experienced, what to take with him to the sea.
"The main thing is that you need to the sea are pills from nausea, well, and perhaps contraceptives, because you will go to the ports.
A young sailor went to the pharmacy and bought 10 tablets and 10 contraceptives. The next day he told his father that he bought. But my father said that it would be not enough. The sailor went to the same pharmacy and again bought as many pills and contraceptives. But grandfather said that this is not enough, you need at least as much as much. When the sailor came to the pharmacy for the third time, the pharmacar asked:
- This is certainly not my business, but if you are sick of it, why do you sleep with her?!
After a large number of unsuccessful attempts to teach Sidorow's sailor to stay on the water, and not to make an ax to the bottom instructor, desperately exclaimed:
- Sidorov, do you know how to swim at your home?
- Sure! Goldfish in aquarium.
Sailor asked if he made any feats on the sea.
- Of course, the answer was. - Once I saved the entire crew of our linker.
- really! How?
"I am shot by the ship Coca," the hero said modestly.
An evil stamp checks the tidy. Everything shines, everywhere purity, not to do something.
Then he climbs his hand for Coming, erases his finger the dust remaining there and turns to a sailor with a malicious grin.
- Do you know the relevant Russian folk proverb in this case?
- Yes sir! Pig everywhere dirt will find!
Sailor before leaving in swimming asks the comrade to look after his wife. He promised to light on the roof of the lantern, if a lover comes to the sailor. The ship did not have time to get out of the port, how the sea flashed over the city.
"Looks like - I thought the sailor," the wife remained at home at home. "
The passenger suffering from maritime disease, asks the sailor:
- Is there any land ahead?
- No, only the horizon, you can see yourself.
- And yet it is better than nothing ...
Sonya, move, and then I fall from the bed.
- And you learn to my back.
- You might think that then I will not fall.
- Fima, well, you are a former sailor.
- So what?
"So it is necessary to moor and quit an anchor."
Katya, and in your childhood the designer was?
- Never, I liked more sailors of long-night sails!
The sailor asks the captain, the old sea wolf: - Captain, and the truth, what did you bite the shark?
- Truth!
- And where to?
- And this is not true!
And remember, - the grandmother grandmother teaches, - every woman in life should have only one big love:
- And who was your only love:
- Sailors! ..
You are not a Ukrainian sailor, if you were not captured by the Somali pirates.
My husband is a sailor. Eleven months a year he is in the sea and only a month on the shore.
- Oh, I imagine how you suffer.
- Nothing terrible, he holds his parents half of the holiday.
Watchman Kruzny Liner Kapinan:
- Allow me to report, flow in the vessel!
Captain: - Where is it known?
Sailor: - in the swimming pool - shark!
Morning. Warm dawn. In the open sea floats the ship. From Boduna, the captain of the ship, sipping, goes to the deck and sees there already awake sailor. Captain:
- What about us right at the rate?
Sailor looking into binoculars:
- Six-life yal.
-?! And on the right at the rate?
- Six-life yal!
- ?? !! And what's left at the rate?
- Six-life yal !!!
- ??? !!! Give binoculars ... Remove the insect from the glass!
From the reproducer comes: "The Great October Revolution forever liberated the people from the chains of capitalism." Old woman - granddaughter:
- For sure, it was! I remember, then the sailors came to us, all rummaged and removed the gold chain from me ...
During the storm, the captain of the ship through MegaFon addresses passengers:
- I ask men to keep full calm! No panic! I ordered to immerse in the boats of women and children, take them away from the ship only to tell you one cheerful joke!
The sailor drunk fell out in the morning from the bar: - "What is the strange smell? Passer: - This is fresh air ..."
In the Naval School on the examination, the cadet was asked the question: - Who was George Washington: a soldier or a sailor?
"Of course, he was a soldier, because we hang a picture on which he crosses the Delaware River, standing in the boat. Each sailor knows that it is impossible to do.
Dear, - Appeared to the sailor annoying passenger, - Why on the mast deck?
- You see if we end the coal, we will use it as a pole to repel ...
Teacher at the lesson:
- Remember, the children that we live on earth to work.
Little Allia:
- Then I will become a sailor.
- Grandfather, why say that sailors go to the sea?
- Well, everything is true, granddaughters, these are infantry, we walk only in the bushes, and they are in the sea!
During swimming, the sailor felt ailments.
Ship doctor examined the patient and firmly thought.
- Something serious, doctor? - asked a concerned sailor.
"No," the doctor replied, "I'm just the fact that with such symptoms I usually recommend sick journeys.
At lectures for seafarers about married life:
- Treason in the family, unfortunately, is still quite frequent phenomenon:
According to sociologists, artists change most of all, athletes go behind them, and then sailors and so on:
Causes you know ourselves:
Long separation, heavy loads ..:
- Sorry, - he is sanging a thin voice from the hall:
- I have been swimming for thirty years old and never changed my wife:
And immediately he is interrupted by a rough bass:
- That's because of such goats, like you, we are in third place: the fleet will disgrace!
There are two women:
- Here you have a husband - a long-range sailor, you see him a week in a year, how do you tolerate?
- A week?
Evening calibration to seafarers submarine:
- Ivanov? - I!
- Petrov? - I!
- Sidorov?
- ...
- Sidorov!
- ...
- Sidorov !!!
- Well, I.
- UV! (Lightweight) And where are you going to ...
American sailor from a long campaign writes a letter to his bride:
"You are if you go where, try to watch mainly in the floor."
Ta - Surprise writes the answer: "Why?" Gets the answer:
"Because when I return, you will watch predominantly in the ceiling."
Oh, do not worry, "answered the Lotsman of the river shipping rather a rather nervous passenger," I know every snag and stranded on this river.
At that moment, the steamer jumped stranded with such a force that the vessel was stuck in it from the nose to the stern.
"Yeah, here is one of them," Lotsman said solemnly.
In the bar, the sailor drinks with some man. Guy:
- Well, to the bottom!
- No, that will not do. Maybe for you, land, such a toast is suitable, but we say to the sea: "Let's catch in the hatch."
The poinked scolded, from which young woman's young women got a hair end.
"And here I am here, then, which went exactly to our co-clocket," the stroach scribbled.
- Oh my God! - Woman exhaled. - I have done, it was our trip?!
The sailor from a semi-annual flight returns home. Rises the stairs, trying to call the door, but it does not work - the hands are engaged in gifts. The sailor and the case, and does not work. Here the grandmother goes down, sailor her: "- Grandma, help, please click the call button, hands, see, busy." Grandma in response: "- And you are horns, Milok, horns ..."
Lies a sailor-navigator on vacation on a sofa and leafing the program on TV. A wife is spinning around and, as it happens in 99.5% of sailors after a month of a cute house, to put it mildly, sawing: - Well, that you rupties like a lazy fat cat! Look at the Sadruganov - Won Sveta has its own electrician all the wiring at home and in the entrance repaired, the light bulbs heal - everything sparkles! And Marinka has her shysomechanik all the pipes changed, the cranes repaired - there is no leakage! Give at least you are your business! At least something ...
- Oh! Well, okay, Swari me coffee and give binoculars, I will go, I will work on the balcony!
Fleet axiom of sailors: if the subject moves - give him the honor, if not moving - painting it!
Good sailors. They always have a drink for drinking at hand.
- Throw someone overboard and drink later "For those who are in the sea!"
Every second Odessa is a sailor!
- And every second Odessa is his wife!
Old sailor tells countrymen:
- Well, how do you explain what the ocean is? So we swim, swim, and anywhere else is a single bar ...
Returns sailor from flight. It comes home, and the lover pops out from the bed of his wife and surprises through the balcony. I speak him. Lover surprises through the park. She sees, the sculptures are, one pedestal is empty. Nothing thinking he drops clothes and climbs the pedestal. Suddenly, the voice of the neighboring "statue" is silent:
- Burning. Socks take off - laid all the avenue!
It is said that in the future, only sailors do not know how to swim on the fleet - they are much better defended their ship!
The journalist takes an interview with the retired sailor,
- So, Captain, remember what you had to go through the most terrible storm in your life? Old sea wolf, after some thought:
- I think it happened when I spat in the kitchen, which my wife just washed!
In the port of Odessa, there is a steamer, on board the inscription: "On Israel". Jews go for him a day, the second. On the third day, one elderly Jew approached and asks the sailor:
- Does he have something dimensionless?
- No, he is bottomless.
Sailors caught a note bottle in the sea: "I see you convincingly to pass this bottle on your receiving point, since we do not accept imported containers. I ask the money to be reversed in the same way in the bottle, which is not
Take you. "
Radio "Europe Plus": - And now for a long-range sailor, Mikhail at the request of his wife will sound a popular song "The wonderful neighbor settled in our house ..."
Young sailor at a notes.
If the toothbrush is not available - try to separate the deck with the usual mop.
Two sailors are talking.
- Anton married that girl he saved in the sea?
- Yes, on it.
- Well, and how, he is happy?
- I don't think he has now appeared a jacon!
Wakes up a sailor with a creepy junk:
- Yesterday was Friday, tomorrow will be Saturday. God, and what is today?
Good sailor - a girl waiting for him in the port!
Good trucker - the girl is waiting for him in the parking lot!
Well conductor - the girl is waiting at the station!
And only the girl is bad: then in the port, then in the parking lot, then at the station ...
Here you are talking radiation, radiation. Some sailors, for example, do not leave submarines, and meanwhile their wives give birth to normal healthy children.
The aircraft carrier returns to his port after a long sailing. On the eve, one sailor gives a radiogram to his wife: "Six months without a woman. In your interests come to meet me straight to the ladder. " The answer comes: "Six months without a man. In your interest to get away with the ladder first. "
The ship passes by a small island in the ocean, on which a bearded man screams something desperately waving his hands.
- Who is it? - asks the passenger of the sailor.
- I have no idea. Every year when we pass here, he also goes crazy.
Sailor (girlfriend):
- Well, what do I like today your evening robe!
- But there is nothing on me!
- So I like it just like!
A wife and daughter came to the father-captain. Daughter - little girl. Dad leads her by steamer, shows: "This is a bridge, it is a boat ..." fit the lighting hatch of the machine compartment. "Oh ..., dad, and who is there at the bottom there are so small, black? - And this, the daughter of sailors - mechanics and motorists, work. - Dad, and I can cover your bread ...?"
The conversation of the "new Russians" near the monument "glory to the soldiers sailors."
- Normal dude, this glory.
- Yeah, such a monument to the soldiers Sabatal!
The incident in the Gulf of Aden.
- Yesterday, the Ukrainian ship captured by Somali pirates was delivered to ransom in the amount of $ 3.2 million.
- Seeing such an amount of money, the Ukrainian sailors strangle the pirates with their bare hands, divided the money and disappeared in an unknown direction along with the vessel and the cargo.
The sailor's wife gave birth to a black child's light, and explains his husband by phone:
- You see? And all because of such nonsense. Last summer I confused contraceptive tablets with tanning pills.
The young sailor is interested in:
- Mr. Captain, why most ships wear female names?
- If you knew how it is difficult to manage, you would not ask stupid questions.
Husband (responding by phone):
- I do not know, call the weather bureau:
Pretty young wife:
- Who is it:
- Some sailor, probably:
He asks how there on the horizon.
You just need to breathe sea air!
- So I am a sailor, doctor!
- In this case, the sea air is categorically contraindicated.
Do you know that in ancient times people loved to travel very much. Sailors, going into swimming, took with him a handful of native land. So the legendary Atlantis disappeared ...
Putin arrives at the Pacific Fleet. Look, looked, and then raises the commander.
- What are you, - says, - Morious sailors?
- Why do you think so?
"So you have you that you will not ask them," there is! "," There is! " Answer!
They met some times the experienced sailors, and began to remember ...
One:
- I somehow once a white bear with bare hands strangled!
Other:
- And I killed one shot with one shot ...
Third, after some pause:
- Do you know the dead sea? ... so it's me.
Militias are trying to pull a drunken sailor from the puddles. Tot knocks off and turns:
- He's! First save women and children!
A foreign sailor asked his English colleague somehow, why the British fleet so often won.
"It's easy to explain," the Englishman replied. - We always pray before the start of the battle.
- But we also pray! - exclaimed a foreigner.
- But we pray in English!
You know, I do not understand your love for pilots. I'm more like sailors!
- Do you think it is impossible to fly with the sailor?
Hi, Tanya! Did you decide to celebrate your long-range sailor?
- Yes, I wanted in his beloved dress, but it's hard to the disconnected spot!
"I'll tell you that: a man in the sea was 5 years old." You would put on, which is not a pity !!!
Far sailing sailor (m) is traveling on the train. With him in a compartment woman (g). The sailor lies on the upper shelf, loud reads the newspaper.
Dialogue:
Well: can you read yourself?
M: nothing is written about me here.
W: Do you even change socks?
M: I change, only on vodka.
Well: Do you have something wrong with your head?
M: So like all the brains you sucked.
W: And how do such people wears the earth?!?!
M: Why do I need your land - I'm leaving tomorrow in the sea.
What is the difference between the sailor from the Internet? The sailor has a girl in every port, and the Internet officer has in every portal!
Tu-154 falls, two pilots are sitting and looked in an allyminator with sadness.
Quietly talk.
- I do not understand why sailors are so rejoicing the land.
The girl asks the sailor:
- Tell me, and the sea is beautiful?
"Sorry, never saw." I am a submariner.
famous English admirals.
forgiveness, sir, how is your name?
* * *
Sunday day. The park. Amusement. Parachute tower.
Family passes by.
Father: "Here are children! Once I served in the marine infantry. And not only in the sea flooded, but also with the sky on a parachute jumped "
Daughter: "Are you, dad, who was the brave?"
-Yes! There is impossible without it, - Father answers.
Son to Father stuck: "Jump dad!"
-Not! For a long time it was, everything forgot - the father answers.
Wife frowning eyebrows:
- It was boasting! Grooms and jump!
I climbed the father on the tower, jumped. No, no.
Mother says to son:
-Yes look. Father is breathing there or not?
Son returns ...
- The folder is breathing, but nothing to breathe near him. ???
* * *
There are two fishermen, one at the meeting spreads his hands in different directions:
-I-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh dug out of such a worm !!!
* * *
Husband - wife:
- On all weekends with friends for fishing food.
- Come on, come on ... What are you, for horn to keep, or what?
* * *
There are a fisherman and a hunter. Pins asks:
- killed at least something?
- Yeah. Killed the knee. And you caught what?
- Yes. Padikulit.
Mooring to the shore ship. On the shore there are yawns. Sailor with a scream "Hall!" Throws on the shore of the outcome and gets sowing right in the forehead. TOT - BREAM! - and falls unconscious. Finally, he comes to himself, sees the sailor in front of him and says: - When you throw a half-one, shouts "Beware!".
Streets on the Navy. Volley. The rangefinder is: - 200 METPs in the ear! Captain: - Small Vpeed! Get out 200 meters!
Captain! In the ship breakdown! - Where? - on the left side, below Waterlinia. - Ah, then nothing, not noticeable.
The second assistant captain and the captain dine in the cabin company. The second assistant of the captain, smearing the oil on Havva, says: "You will not forbid you beautifully". Kapitan asks: "What does it mean in your concept -" Beautifully live? "- So live, so that you do not envy, Comrade Captain, - Laughs assistant.
The sailor remained for Coca. Became a bake pancakes. Before pouring the dough into a frying pan - spits on it, to make sure that it is enough. Starpom, passing by the Kambouus, noticed gloomily: "Swari is better potatoes in the uniform."
American sailors could not understand for a very long time why their Russian colleagues in the presence of noise in negotiations on the VHF radio station all the time repeat the phrase "Your Rabbit wrote" (Your Bunny Wrote) ...
Starpom: "If the sheet is dirty, turn it over the other side, if it became dirty again, overnight. On the reverse side, it is always cleaner. "- and how long can you turn over? - Asks motorist. - until you wash ...
On a sinking ship, one of the passengers asks Captain: - Is it far from here to the ground? "One mile, sir," captain answers gloomily. - And in what direction? - Vertical, sir.
- Boatsman, barometer fell. - Strong? - To smithereens.
Boatswie: "No whistles in life jackets! Melted! "Starp:" Do you have aunt? " Bottches is inordinate: "There is, in Kharkov." Starpom: "Well, write to her in Kharkov, so that the whistles sent. And by the morning so that they were at regular places. "
Starpom asks Starmer to give water to the deck to wash it. Stremes are disconnected: "Torn hoses". Starp is playing fire alarm. Stremes in a hurry orders to deploy new hoses. After the alarm, it turns out that the sailors managed to wash the deck, the older swears: - You will be buried - I will not give the hoses!
* * *
The sailor, having acquainted at the bar with the girl, sat her to his knees. In the course of the total trep, he says: - And you know what a tattoo is on my stomach? Submarine!
- Yes, I already feel periscope.
The sailor asks Captain, Old Sea Wolf:
- Captain, Is it true that you were bitten by a shark?
- True, sailor!
- And where to?
- But this is not true! ..
* * *
In the open sea on the ship fell ill. After examining the patient, the doctor wondered.
- Doctor, something serious?
- No, I just remember who else is familiar with the navigation ...
-Captain!!! Captain!!!
-What there?
"Overlooked one."
-Idya-aa ... bad sign ...
Sailor before leaving in swimming asks a friend to look after his wife. It was agreed that he would light the lantern if a lover declares to the sailor. I did not have time to moor, how the sea flashed over the city.
"Fuck, not at one me at home my wife remained, I thought the sailor.
A knot is knitted on the feed flag. The watched asks the changeable:
-What does it mean???
"Everything is in order," responds with a shift, "just Admiral ordered to tie a knot so as not to forget to take a medicine.
Omonovtsy are trying in vain to pull the sailor's booster from the puddles. That fights and yells in full range:
-Not! First save women and children !!!
Chukcha sits on the seashore. American submarine pops up, and making photography, immersed and floats.
-Weat a little later, our boat pops up. A bunk navigator is cast:
-Chukcha, did you see an American boat?
-Saw.
-And where did she swam?
- West ...
-Chukcha, do not jumped, - show your hand!
The ship was slowly moving in the fog. Suddenly the lights appeared ahead.
-Capitan shouted to megaphone:
- Fall from the course of Olukhi ... This is an aircraft carrier "Saracin" with a displacement of 30,000 tons !!!
- Foggy heard the answer:
-Sami fold, it's a lighthouse!
Ask experienced sailor:
- Is it possible to be really scary?
- We once a cargo - thousand ten dolls, and got into a strong storm. When the ship tamed to the right, then all these ten thousand dolls were told by the choir: "Mom," and then I detected ...
-What happened to the Esming "Unterprovable"? - Asks a sailor of a friend.
-Then.
-How so killed?
- Did you see the rock before entering the bay?
-Yes of course!
-And they did not notice her.
The sailor listed ashore. Saying good companion asked him that he was going to do next:
"I will give a paddle on my shoulder and will go away from the shore until the locals do not ask what I carry on my shoulder.
- What is in this place I just do and will live there until the very death.
Captain:
-Hurman, where are we?!?
-In the detox, captain.
- Details of the navigator ..! - Which city?
The ship started sinking. A newcomer in the maritime seeing that everyone is tied to various subjects, tied itself to anchor.
- Commission of granddaughter, gives teaching grandmother:
- Women should have only one big love in life.
-And who was your only love, is the granddaughter interested?
- I speak! ..
Admiral loved to give the most unexpected teams. After once on the ship, he removed the cap, threw her on the deck and said:
- This is a bomb - your actions?!
-Ino from recruits with a scope hit the fee to the fee so that she flew into the water.
-At had a breath, waiting for the admiral reaction.
- admiral pointed to a floating cap gave a new team:
-Man overboard!
-Govaria students, do not be afraid to work with radiation sources!
"You are all:" Radiation, radiation ... For example, many sailors do not get out of ATL years, and their wives, meanwhile, give birth to completely normal and healthy children.
- My husband is a sailor. Oildeen months a year he is in the sea and only a month on the shore.
- I imagine how you suffer.
Yes, nothing, he holds his parents half of his parents.
The sailor returned from the circle and knocks on the door to his fist, "no one opens, knocks his foot," do not open anyway.
The neighbor is supervised due to the door:
-And you try the horns, can open.
The journalist takes the intervention from the retired captain of the first rank:
- So, remember, please, what did you need to survive the most terrible storm in your life?
-After short meditation captain answered:
"I think then when I spat in the kitchen, which I just washed my wife."
-Capitan, we are thin !!!
- Distance to the nearest land!
-10 cable.
-Which direction?
- Vertical!
The ship passes by a small island in the ocean, on which the overgrown man, all in rags, shouts something and desperately waving his hands.
"Who is it?" Asks the captain's passenger.
"I don't have it, I answer the captain. And so every year when we pass, he goes crazy like that.
-Captain! In the ship breakdown!
-Where exactly?
- on the left side, below Waterlinia.
-A-a ... - Then nothing, not noticeable.
-N a new sailor captain on the ship, and says:
- Here here we have: Michman, Lotsman, Boatsman, navigator ...
-Ba-a, interrupts the Captain sailor, yes everything is here. My surname-Kotsman.
Ship on shooting range. Volley. The rangefall shouts:
-200 meters inlet!
Captain:
- Made ahead! Swim over two hundred meters!
-Capitan, why most ships wear female names?
-Oh, if you knew how it is difficult to manage, then you would not ask stupid questions.
Sun ships. An Englishman, with a handset in the mouth, phlegmatic asks Captain:
-Ser, and which of the boats for smokers?
The military ship moored in the Italian port. On the laddle it is watchful. Suitable Cute Italian:
-Matroso, Chico-Po?
-Not!
-Impotento?
-Not!
-Sofilito?
-Not!
-Oh, - Cretino Cretino!
- Far sailing sailor take interviews:
- Speaker, and with what problems comes to encounter swimming, and how do you decide?
- a big problem - the lack of women, without them there is a tight, and the exit here is one:
-Pull yourself together!
Returns a sailor from the flight. He comes home, and from the bed of his wife pops up a lover and surprises through the balcony.
Sailor behind him. Lover, surprised through the park, noticed standing sculptures and one pedestal empty.
Quickly realizing, climbing PiaTestal, and freezes.
Suddenly the voice of a neighboring "statue" is heard:
-How! Socks will take off, and then the whole Alya is burning!
Two sailors talk:
-And how do you know what your wife does when you swimming?
- Very simple, - I come to the entrance, and I say to the Babulkov sitting on the bench:
- Supported bitch!
- Is that bitch? Yes, your wife ...
-Capitan, the barometer fell.
-Strong?
-Wependents!
From the diary of the ladies traveling on a liner by Atlantic:
-This, - passing by me, Captain Laskovo smiled at me.
- reman, - in the morning the captain invited me to the captain's bridge.
-Seda, - today the captain made me indecent attached.
-Tour, - the captain threatens that it will sweep the liner if I do not give up.
-Satenitsa, - Alpassed happy ... Last night I managed to save four hundred passengers and the crew of the ship.
Jung asks Captain, Old Sea Wolf:
-Capitan, and here I heard that the shark bitten when you saved the sailor fallen overboard.
-Yes it's true.
-And where to?
-And this is not true!
The sailor who arrived at the first time, a three-year-old daughter sat down on his knees, and asked:
-Pap, and where do you work?
-On the ship.
-Well then tell me about your ship's ship life.
The sailor comes home from the flight is pretty, and knocks on the door.
-Who's there?
-Yesha I am!
-I'm not Masha ...
-Wellight!
- I'm not clawed ...
- Listen to my wife, how are you there, can you play in the city?!
The fierce storm was sumping the ship. Two saved in the seam:
-Well, the navigator, which means the only thing you remember about the ways to determine the directions without a compass, is that moss grows on the north side of the trees ...
-Kapitan, and why in all kits hang pictures of Aivazovsky?
- It's not a picture, cadet ... These are Iluminators!
The cadet before the practicer came to surf the entire explanatory dictionary of marine words and the term, but the ship was very disappointed on the ship.
- Alone of the words of them batchman does not use.
Watched sailor, - Capital of cruise liner:
-Digid, on the vessel to flow!
Captain:
- Where do you know?
Sailor:
-In the swimming pool - shark!
From a letter of sailor:
- Major Mom, I went to the fleet, because I liked the purity and order on the ships. And only a week ago I realized, by whom and how this order and purity is guided.
News bulletin:
- Today in the area of \u200b\u200bMadagascar failed the Russian fishing trawler "Neptune". The team, driving in Vladivostok, did not suffer.
- To make sails! - Bravo commanded the captain.
-Capitan, our ship is a motor ...
- make motors!
-Excellen! - Mostly exclaimed the surviving after the shipwreck, choosing ashore.
-Myaso - Papuans shouted again.
Huge cruise liner in the open ocean. To the captain standing on the bridge suits the excited passenger:
-Products Captain, tell me, what will happen if our ship will face Iceberg?
Yes, nothing will be, Iceberg sails itself further.
At the bridge there is a boatswain and looks into binoculars.
-Capitan, on the right side of the scenery seed!
Over time:
-Capitan, on the left side of the scene on board.
-Bozzman, do not get out, remove the binoculars!
Captain Parliapava shouts into the engine compartment:
-Ya Kochegar, what kind of firewood play?
-How what? Ordinary!
-Topy curves, we will turn!
The sailor comes to the stamp responsible for medicine on the vessel:
- His down, I have hemorrhage.
- And in what place?
Sailor in the Kabachea Galanna invites the girl to the dance:
-Deschka, you can?
-Can, -time first dance ...
-Land!!! Captain! Land!!! URA-A-A-A-A !!!
-Lunatic, go to the pasture, we have not sailed yet!
-Ded, and why say that sailors go to the sea?
- So it is, all true granddaughters, everyone goes to the toilet, and they are in the sea!
Sailor's wife gave birth to Negritena, and explains his husband by phone:
-All because of nonsense. Last summer I confused contraceptive tablets with tanning pills.
- »Chef," you prepared an exceptional lunch today!
- Mainly, captain?!
-Notally. From him even the boatswain was stuck!
Starpom - Koku:
- »Chef," - I have a fly in soup!
- That came out, finally, infection! - delighted Kok.
Sailor, peeling into the board, fell apart from the bar:
-What is it for the strange air something?!
Passer:
-This fresh air ...
There are rumors that in the future in the fleet will be given extremely unreasonable swim. - They are much better defended their ship ...
-What is it, captain, very bad mood? What did you disappear so much?
-I won the main prize in the TV!
- So it is wonderful.
-But not very. The second and third prizes are money, and the first is a cruise on our ship!