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"I am the sickest person in the world! You must become my own mother!"

M / f "Carlson"

Have you ever wondered why, when making a decision, it is often not carried out and everything remains as it was?

In psychology, there is the concept of secondary benefit. Outwardly, a person can really want something, constantly talk about it, but do nothing. For example, a person may say that he wants to change jobs, that the current job does not suit him, but at the same time he will not even try to find something else, will not take any action. Or he may suffer from some kind of unsatisfactory relationship, from some kind of annoying illness, etc., but things will not go beyond words.

Why? Because in reality out of this suffering, not decision, he benefits, often without realizing it. Moreover, if you tell him about it, then it often causes irritation, and not a desire to understand. It turns out that every decision has dividends, conscious and unconscious. And which of the dividends are the most important, the most profitable, at that stage there will be a decision - to leave everything as it is, or to change something.

I want to change jobs but I don't have time to post my resumes, no suitable job, the child fell ill, the personnel department turned out to be closed on a free day for me, I lost the phone number I was going to call ... And at the same time, the person is annoyed that he can’t carry out his plan.

It is very difficult to see in yourself and realize that you want one thing and at the same time want the opposite - you want and new job, and at the same time want to change nothing. However, the decision to change jobs will never take root if we don't forego the other party's dividend. This means that our task is to understand our internal benefits, to sabotage our own decision and to counter these benefits with something else, even more profitable.

What does it look like in practice?

What are the dividends for the second side, which the conscious director does not want to accept? What benefits can an addict get? weak person? First, of course, this is shifting responsibility for one's life to others and circumstances, this is sympathy, receiving care, attention, etc. In such a situation, can full responsibility for one's life, lack of caring attention and sympathy in case of failure become dividends?

And the fact that a strong and independent person can face a difficult choice alone and can only rely on himself - will this be dividends? Most likely not, because this is not always a comfortable state. It is much easier to constantly count on the support of stronger and more confident people. Clear Benefits remain on the side of the subconscious director, and the person behaves like an addict against his will, and is angry with himself for it.

Consider another example of a person giving advice left and right. The disadvantage of such behavior may be that people stop taking him seriously, get annoyed with him - "you are always with your advice!", express distrust, point out his mistakes. It seems that you need to think and reconsider your habit, because there is a clear lack of acceptance of a person on your face. But no, this habit has very significant dividends, which are very difficult for a person to give up and they are much greater. Namely, giving advice to others, a person experiences a sense of self-worth. He grows in his eyes as smart, reasonable and all knowledgeable person while others are unintelligent. And why are they offended and annoyed? After all, my vision is the only correct one, I give it to them, use it and do not make mistakes! I take care of them! Growth in their own eyes turns out to be much more profitable than general attitude to a person.

Another example would be the choice between "be healthy" and "stay sick". When you are sick, you fully receive the care of relatives and friends, and deservedly so, they are healthy, and you are sick. You have the right to talk with them for hours about your problems, about yourself, about your illness, and all your demands seem to be legitimate. Is such a right reserved for a healthy person? A healthy person should take care of a sick person and the desires of a healthy person are not taken into account. Illness is a powerful means of obtaining love, affection, help, a way to avoid the demands that are made on a healthy person. I'm sick, and bribes are smooth from me. No one will do anything voluntarily for a healthy person, so the disease comes to the rescue.

Remember, when you are sick, how much attention and care do you receive? Do you get that much when you are healthy? It's so cool to lie down when everyone around you is running around, and they will feed you, and give you water, and your every desire will be fulfilled! And most importantly, you now have every right to do so. When you are healthy, you have to do everything yourself. Then what is the point of becoming healthy?

Even children love to be sick, because it is during illness that parents spend the largest number time nearby, fulfill all the wishes and requirements of a sick child. A toy that he once asked for, and you didn’t buy for some reason - please, because the child is sick and at least somehow you can brighten up his condition. It is beneficial to be sick. When you are healthy, they don’t rush around with you anymore, mom goes to work, she comes in the evening tired, she always has no time ...

And you try to pay more attention to the child when he is healthy, so he will immediately stop getting sick, it will no longer be beneficial for him. What will he choose - pills and bed rest or a walk with dad, a hike in the forest? Don't take my word for it, start giving your child more time when he is healthy and less time when he is sick, and you will see that your child will be much less sick. To your mind, this may seem monstrous, how it is - to devote less time to a child when he is sick! But it is precisely by such behavior that we show that it is more profitable not to get sick.

I remember I had a similar experience when I was a child. On Friday evening I had a fever, my face had all the signs of a cold. And on Saturday, my father was going to go camping with us children. Forest, fire, tea from a pot, songs with a guitar ... I wanted to go on a hike so much that in the morning all the cold seemed to be taken away by hand. I woke up completely healthy. I was much more interested in going camping with my father than lying in bed all weekend. At first, my parents were distrustful of the fact that I recovered so quickly, but, nevertheless, at the family council they decided that I would also go camping. My happiness knew no end. The disease has receded. I think that you have had similar cases.

Have you ever wondered why a person chooses to suffer, get angry, take offense, criticize? If such a choice is made, then there is some benefit, but the answer may not always be pleasant. Yes, and consciousness will deny this benefit. But how will it respond to the fact that a person nevertheless chose to suffer, get angry, take offense and criticize? He could have chosen otherwise.

Objections can go, well, how not to be offended if they offend? Stop. Who offends? So the one who offends is more significant and stronger than you yourself? Here it is - I am weak, dependent. I'm offended! Help! I feel bad, so you should be more gentle, friendly, caring with me! So what happens? Choosing to be offended, and once having received such reinforcement, a person expects to receive support from other people in the form of condemnation of the offender; care, because he is so vulnerable; the ability to avoid demands on myself from other people - they offended me, how will I do something now; the ability to blame others, etc. Why not dividends?

What are the benefits of self-flagellation? Avoiding blame and in turn blaming others. The benefit of being helpless is to avoid being blamed. The benefits of belittling oneself are the ability to avoid the danger of rivalry. Here, the lesser of two evils is simply chosen. But is it realized? Do we see the subconscious director's script? And how do we actually justify our choice?

If you want to change yourself, try the following exercises:

1. Choose the one most pressing issue for you in this moment. Let for example it will be a quarrel with a loved one.

2. Reflect, and answer your question: "What benefits do I get from ..." Try not to deceive yourself and find 5-10 benefits that you get. Write them down in a column. For example, from a quarrel you can get:

• Feeling that I am right and fair;
• To make amends with guilt, a partner can give a gift, because when we do not quarrel, he almost does not give me anything;
• Confirmation that I am significant for a partner, since he is always the first to go to reconciliation;
• A quarrel can be a means of managing a partner;
• She can also bring vivid emotions that are completely absent in normal interaction;
• One can enjoy reconciliation, so a quarrel can be an occasion for this pleasure;
• After a quarrel, there may be bright sex, etc.

4. If the answer is no, then consider how you can get this benefit in a different place, in a different way.

For example, in order for your companion to give gifts more often, you can directly tell him about it. To say that you are much more pleasant when he gives you just like that, and not when he makes amends.

If you lack emotions, find another way, more positive. Find a common interest with a partner and develop it. Any joint action will give you many positive emotions, if it is interesting for both.

5. If you answered “yes” to some points and you understand that you are not ready to refuse the benefits, then admit it to yourself honestly. For example, that it is always important for you to be right, even at the expense of your own happiness. Your goal is not a healthy relationship, but total loneliness, accept this and do not be upset about it. You don't want to miss out on the benefits. When you understand otherwise, you will change your behavior, and God forbid that it is not too late.

6. Now think about it - what advantages will you get from the opposite side, for example, if you don’t provoke a quarrel? It may turn out that bringing them to consciousness, they will be much more significant than the advantages of a quarrel. Then it will not be difficult at all to refuse the advantages that you get during a quarrel. In any case, by understanding yourself, it will be much easier for you to choose a solution without a fight and act in accordance with it.

It can be very difficult to do such work alone, and it is not always possible to find a solution that is easy to adhere to, often something remains unfinished. All this is best done in a group of like-minded people, those who also want to find a way out without a fight, and who are ready to support you.

The secondary benefit is what keeps a person in the problematic state that he received. In common usage this is the same as internal gain, although in psychoanalysis "primary" and "secondary gain" are distinguished. In psychoanalysis, the secondary benefit is understood as the benefit that the patient receives from already formed symptoms, that is, the benefit that he did not expect or did not intend (unconsciously) to receive in the initial period of symptom formation. This benefit does not lead to symptom formation, but contributes to the persistence of the disease and resistance to treatment.
in detail

Have you ever wondered why, when making a decision, it is often not carried out and everything remains as it was?

In psychology, there is the concept of secondary benefit. Outwardly, a person can really want something, constantly talk about it, but do nothing. For example, a person may say that he wants to change jobs, that the current job does not suit him, but at the same time he will not even try to find something else, will not take any action. Or he may suffer from some kind of unsatisfactory relationship, from some kind of annoying illness, etc., but things will not go beyond words.

Why? Because in reality, from this suffering, not a decision, he benefits, often without realizing it. Moreover, if you tell him about it, then it often causes irritation, and not a desire to understand. It turns out that every decision has dividends, conscious and unconscious. And which of the dividends are the most important, the most profitable, at that stage there will be a decision - to leave everything as it is, or to change something.

I want to change jobs, but I don’t have time to distribute my resumes, there is no suitable job, the child fell ill, the personnel department turned out to be closed on my free day, I lost the phone number I was going to call ... And at the same time, the person is annoyed that nothing fails to accomplish what is intended.

It is very difficult to see in yourself and realize that you want one thing and at the same time want the opposite - you want a new job, and at the same time you want not to change anything. However, the decision to change jobs will never take root if we don't forego the other party's dividend. This means that our task is to understand our internal benefits, to sabotage our own decision and to oppose these benefits with something else, even more profitable.

What does it look like in practice?

Suppose a person declares himself as a strong and independent person, but behaves as a dependent and often showing weakness.

What are the dividends for the second side, which the conscious director does not want to accept? What benefit can a dependent and weak person get? Firstly, it is of course shifting responsibility for one's life to others and circumstances, this is sympathy, receiving care, attention, etc. In such a situation, can full responsibility for one's life, lack of caring attention and sympathy in case of failure become dividends?

And the fact that a strong and independent person can face a difficult choice alone and can only rely on himself - will this be dividends? Most likely not, because this is not always a comfortable state. It is much easier to constantly count on the support of stronger and more confident people. Obvious advantages remain on the side of the subconscious director, and the person behaves like an addict against his will, and is angry with himself for it.

Consider another example of a person giving advice left and right. The downside of this behavior may be that people stop taking him seriously, get annoyed with him - “you are always with your advice! ”, express distrust, point to his mistakes. It seems that you need to think and reconsider your habit, because there is a clear lack of acceptance of a person on your face. But no, this habit has very significant dividends, which are very difficult for a person to give up and they are much greater. Namely, giving advice to others, a person experiences a sense of self-worth. He grows in his eyes as an intelligent, reasonable and all-knowing person, while others are unreasonable. And why are they offended and annoyed? After all, my vision is the only correct one, I give it to them, use it and do not make mistakes! I take care of them! Growth in one's own eyes turns out to be much more profitable than a general attitude towards a person.

Another example would be the choice between "be healthy" and "stay sick". When you are sick, you fully receive the care of relatives and friends, and deservedly so, they are healthy, and you are sick. You have the right to talk with them for hours about your problems, about yourself, about your illness, and all your demands seem to be legitimate. Is such a right reserved for a healthy person? A healthy person should take care of a sick person and the desires of a healthy person are not taken into account. Illness is a powerful means of obtaining love, affection, help, a way to avoid the demands that are made on a healthy person. I'm sick, and bribes are smooth from me. No one will do anything voluntarily for a healthy person, so the disease comes to the rescue.

Remember, when you are sick, how much attention and care do you receive? Do you get that much when you are healthy? It's so cool to lie down when everyone around you is running around, and they will feed you, and give you water, and your every desire will be fulfilled! And most importantly, you now have every right to do so. When you are healthy, you have to do everything yourself. Then what is the point of becoming healthy?

Even children love to get sick, because it is during illness that parents spend the most time nearby, fulfill all the wishes and requirements of a sick child. A toy that he once asked for, and you didn’t buy for some reason - please, because the child is sick and at least somehow you can brighten up his condition. It is beneficial to be sick. When you are healthy, they don’t rush around you anymore, mom goes to work, she comes tired in the evening, she always doesn’t have time ...

And you try to pay more attention to the child when he is healthy, so he will immediately stop getting sick, it will no longer be beneficial for him. What will he choose - pills and bed rest or a walk with dad, a hike in the forest? Don't take my word for it, start giving your child more time when he is healthy and less time when he is sick, and you will see that your child will be much less sick. To your mind, this may seem monstrous, how it is - to devote less time to a child when he is sick! But it is precisely by such behavior that we show that it is more profitable not to get sick.

What are the benefits of self-flagellation? Avoiding blame and in turn blaming others. The benefit of being helpless is to avoid being blamed. The benefits of belittling oneself are the ability to avoid the danger of rivalry. Here, the lesser of two evils is simply chosen. But is it realized? Do we see the subconscious director's script? And how do we actually justify our choice?

If you want to change yourself, try the following exercises:

1. Choose the one most pressing issue for you at the moment. Let for example it will be a quarrel with a loved one.

2. Reflect, and answer your question: "What benefits do I get from ..." Try not to deceive yourself and find 5-10 benefits that you get. Write them down in a column. For example, from a quarrel you can get:

Feeling that I am right and fair.
To make amends with guilt, a partner can give a gift, because when we do not quarrel, he almost does not give me anything.
Confirmation that I am significant for a partner, since he is always the first to go to reconciliation.
A quarrel can be a means of managing a partner.
She can also bring vivid emotions that are completely absent in normal interaction.
You can enjoy reconciliation, so a quarrel can be an occasion for this pleasure.
After a quarrel, there may be bright sex, etc.

3. After you have written the pros and made some not very pleasant discoveries for yourself, think about it - are you ready to give up each of the benefits you find?

4. If the answer is “no”, then consider how you can get this benefit in another place, in a different form.

For example, in order for your companion to give gifts more often, you can directly tell him about it. To say that you are much more pleasant when he gives you just like that, and not when he makes amends.

If you lack emotions, find another way, more positive. Find a common interest with a partner and develop it. Any joint action will give you a lot of positive emotions if it is interesting for both.

5. If you answered “yes” to some points and you understand that you are not ready to refuse the benefits, then admit it to yourself honestly. For example, that it is always important for you to be right, even at the expense of your own happiness. Your goal is not a healthy relationship, but total loneliness, accept this and do not be upset about it. You don't want to miss out on the benefits. When you understand otherwise, you will change your behavior, and God forbid that it is not too late.

6. Now think - what advantages will you get from the opposite side, for example, if you do not provoke a quarrel? It may turn out that bringing them to consciousness, they will be much more significant than the advantages of a quarrel. Then it will not be difficult at all to refuse the advantages that you get during a quarrel. In any case, by understanding yourself, it will be much easier for you to choose a solution without a fight and act in accordance with it.

It can be very difficult to do such work alone, and it is not always possible to find a solution that is easy to adhere to, often something remains unfinished. All this is best done in a group of like-minded people, those who also want to find a way out without a fight, and who are ready to support you.

Have you ever met people who constantly complain about their lives, but at the same time do not change anything in it? Are you surprised by this life philosophy? You shouldn't be surprised. This approach to your life is called secondary benefit in psychology. A person, having stumbled once and realizing that one can benefit from suffering, will stumble again and again. Let's take a look this syndrome in more detail.

Definition

What is a secondary benefit? A similar syndrome is a habit of a person to benefit from his misfortune. A person, finding himself in a difficult situation, for example, falling ill, can revel in his grief. A person will feel bad, but at the same time he will be surrounded by care and love. The person doesn't have to do anything. You can lie on the couch all day and watch your favorite TV shows. From the outside it will seem that the person is suffering. After all heat, constant droppers and injections will seem like hard labor. But the person will agree to endure such torture of his body, just to get the benefit that comes with feeling unwell. And it's not just the perpetually ill that benefit. Individuals who suffer from loneliness, live with a small salary or with a tyrant husband, also endure their deplorable situation for a reason. They enjoy the situation they are in. Such persons cannot be called masochists. After all, they derive significant benefit for themselves and consider relative inconveniences a small price to pay for all the other charms that life gives.

Emergence of profit

How does a secondary benefit arise? The idea that you can benefit from your grief comes to mind only to deeply unhappy or notorious people. Normal person in this way, he will not dare to correct his condition. Why does the unfortunate take a desperate step? He believes that he has nothing to lose, that the end will justify the means. For example, a single mother who is accustomed to living alone with a child may seem absolutely unhappy in appearance. Any sane person would advise a woman to find a worthy father for her child. But a woman will refuse such proposals and for the sake of appearance even go on dates from time to time. But soon the lady will realize that the state funding program for single mothers is not so bad. A woman does not have to work hard, the state makes monthly contributions, which, although with difficulty, are enough to live on. A woman doesn't need a man. The lady is not sure that her new chosen one will be better than the old one. But after marrying a second time, a woman will lose all her privileges. Therefore, the lady does not even try to improve her personal life, why, if the woman is satisfied with everything.

Benefits from Fear

Cowardly people are not shy about admitting to themselves such a trait. What secondary benefit can there be from fear? A person who is terribly afraid of everything in the world can similarly cover up his laziness. For example, friends will offer a person to the sea. But after all, in order to go on vacation, you need to save up money, choose a hotel, book a hotel and think over an entertainment program. Or you can do nothing, hiding behind the fear of flying. A person can say that he is terrified of flying, and this will sound like a pretty decent excuse. No one can blame him for fear, because the real reason failure behind the outer mask, few people will be able to make out.

The secondary benefit of fear can work not only with flights, but with any other activity. For example, a person may be afraid of water. It’s not as embarrassing to tell others that you are afraid of water as to admit that you can’t swim. For some reason, in our society, it is customary to treat unconscious fears positively, but negatively to the absence of some skill.

Benefits of self-doubt

The secondary benefit in psychology always has some background and is rooted in some kind of human complex. Most often, the problems of all people are formed in childhood. That is where the answer is to be found. A person who suffers from low self-esteem and who does not want to change the situation in any way can be quite happy. It may seem doubtful to someone the happiness of a person who cannot show his character. But if you think about it, you can understand that he just does not want to take responsibility. After all, weak personalities never accept independent decisions and always ask for advice from friends or acquaintances. And then people act in accordance with the instructions received. Well, if the result of such an action is positive, but if he gets an unsatisfactory result of his activity, then a person will be able to shift the responsibility onto someone else. After all, he did not make the decision on his own, which means that the result of his activities will not fully lie on the shoulders of the offender.

Benefits of being a victim

Masochists enjoy pain, but victims of secondary gain are smart and calculating. They don't do reckless things. They are led by cold calculation. A woman who marries a tyrant knows her husband's potential. The girl more than once noticed the habits of the chosen one even before the wedding, and she perfectly understands what such personality traits will lead to in a relationship. Nevertheless, she agrees to marry the despot. It is impossible to call such a circumstance an ill-considered step. A person always knows what this or that act will lead him to. And when, over time, the woman's husband begins to show his despotic character, the girl begins to run around friends and complain about her lover. What is the lady's benefit? She receives warmth and care, which she could not find in marriage. And she is quite satisfied with the attention with which she is surrounded by close and sympathetic people. The woman does not want to change her position, because she is pleased to be in front of everyone and act as a victim.

Benefit from loneliness

Have you met men who consider their loneliness a curse? Such representatives strong half multitude of humanity. What kind of people find secondary benefits of loneliness? A person who complains to others that he cannot find a normal girl is actually throwing dust in his eyes. A man enjoys a lonely life. He does not have to take care of anyone, and there is no need to share a roof over his head with someone. You can change girls every two weeks, and wild parties will help brighten up lonely evenings. A man feels great and just does not understand why he needs to change things. Yes, consciously the guy knows that he needs to start a family and children, but subconsciously the man has not yet grown up to his emotional maturity, when he is finally ready to take responsibility not only for his own, but also for someone else's life.

Benefits of low pay

Are there people in your environment who work for a penny, but do not want to change anything in their lives? What are these people waiting for? They like to complain about their boss and co-workers. And people of this temperament sincerely believe that it is simply impossible to find a better job. What is the secondary benefit of such a position? People do not need to change anything in their usual way. A person is in his comfort zone and does not want to leave it at all. The person is respected in their circles, she has friends and acquaintances. A person knows how and on what he will spend his current salary and what he will save money from the bonus for. And when he has the opportunity to earn more, he begins to experience a completely natural fear. Panic begins, how to spend a lot of money, what to save it for and where to invest. A person does not know how he will be accepted in a new team and how members of a more elite society will communicate with him. So whine about a better life the person will continue, but the current state of affairs will not change.

What follows from this?

After examining several situations, we can draw conclusions from the situation that gives a secondary benefit.

• You can get out of trouble. A person does not have to look for solutions to complex problems. You can always hide in your shell and wait for someone else to make an important decision or help you fix the current state of affairs. And sometimes you can just get rid of the problem by ignoring it.
• Secondary benefit gives a person the opportunity to feel loved and needed. If a person lacks the love of family and friends, then the person resorts to proven methods. For example, it starts to hurt. The conscience of close people wakes up, and they surround a family member with care and give the person increased attention.
• Man does not have to match high requirements that others present to him. The surrounding people treat weak and timid persons with understanding and care. Therefore, they do not have to meet the standards of normal healthy people.

Solution

One technique for dealing with secondary gain is to find a situation that annoys you and ask yourself why you are still not changing things. Remember cause and effect relationships. Ask yourself how you benefit from a bad relationship, an illness, or a low paycheck. You need to answer honestly and without embellishment. Only an honest answer will help to find the true problem and normalize the situation. Once you have found your problem, you need to fix it. Do your best to get out of your comfort zone. It will be hard at first, but with due diligence, you will surely cope. And in order not to fall into a similar trap in the future, you should leave your comfort zone as often as possible, at least once a month.

Psychological work

Don't know how to get rid of the secondary benefit? NLP will help you with this. But it is necessary to conduct such sessions not at home, but with a specialist. Experienced psychotherapists will be able to save you from psychological problems and find the roots of your altered reality.

Well, if there is neither time nor money to go to a specialist, how to get rid of the secondary benefit on your own? Once you have found the problem, you must deal with it step by step. You need to start with feeling your emotions. Consider if you are benefiting from suffering. If so, change the state of things and start getting negative emotions from negative things. Do not engage in self-deception, it will not help. Learn to enjoy common pleasures, well-being, the support of a loved one, and good material well-being.