It is very scary to experience the death of your own son. After all, it is children who should bury their parents, and not vice versa. A person who has had such a grief is usually left alone with his experiences. Yes, relatives and friends are trying to help, but they try to bypass any talk about death. All moral support lies in the words hold on and hold on. We will show you how to survive the death of your son. This knowledge will be useful for a person who has experienced a terrible tragedy.
The Eucharist organized by this group every two months ranges from 50 to 200 people. After Mass, they can speak with a priest or psychologist, or organize an individual meeting. They also have a rich library where you can find books on loss. Most importantly, however, parents may simply meet people who have similar experiences drinking tea, eating cake, they say.
The loss of a child is today a lot of families, although it is difficult to obtain exact numbers because there are no reliable studies of this phenomenon due to the delicacy of the case. Children die due to miscarriage, accident, illness, suicide, homicide. Each loss experiences a different loss, although they are accompanied by similar feelings. They have the impression that they have collapsed in full existing world, they experience untold suffering, they feel that their heart is torn to pieces, they experience the powerlessness and meaninglessness of life.
How to survive the death of your son - accept all emotions and feelings
You can feel anything: fear, bitterness, denial, guilt, anger - this is natural for a person who has lost a son. None of these feelings can be superfluous or wrong. If you want to cry, cry. Surrender to your feelings. Keeping all the emotions in yourself can make it even harder to get through the grief. The will to feel will help you accept what happened. You will not be able to forget everything at once, but you can find the strength in yourself and come to terms with death. Denying feelings will keep you from living on.
Thus, they enter a period of mourning. Parents who have lost a child do not always have the opportunity to live their mourning to the end in order to find peace in their hearts. Since the wound will never grow back forever, this seems obvious. In mourning, the whole point is that the wounds heal and no longer hurt. Very often, the closest neighborhood does not allow parents to mourn and offer them “cheap” comfort. Orphan parents often hear: "Grab onto yourself", "Don't start a tantrum", "You need to live somehow", "Don't cry anymore."
These words are usually directed to parents or relatives. This is usually not bad will. Such reactions arise rather due to the inability to experience someone else's mourning and difficulties in finding a new situation. At the same time, parents will lose their “benevolent incentives” after the loss. They stop crying, or at least don't do it in front of others. Maybe somewhere upset, on a pillow when no one sees. This is especially true for women - mothers who cry differently from men.
How to cope with the death of your son - sign up for a psychotherapist
There are psychotherapists who specialize in such cases. Every city should have an intelligent specialist. Before recording, be sure to chat with him. Find out worked whether he is with such people and, of course, what is the cost of the sessions. In any case, you need a specialist with extensive experience.
Men often do not give themselves experience of what has happened. They think they need to hold on because they are the support of the whole family. They cannot show emotions, tears, weakness. In their opinion, this behavior is "unmanageable". This becomes a problem, especially when spouses distance themselves from the loss. This happens when a woman, observing an "insensitive" husband, thinks that he does not care what she is going through. She does not see compassion and understanding in her husband. And so he stays with his feelings and slowly closes inside himself.
How to cope with the death of your son - forget about the timing
Nobody forces you to stop grieving after a while. Each person is different. In difficult times, emotions may be similar, but everyone experiences grief in different ways. It all depends on the circumstances of life and the nature of the person.
But in each of them, a person must allow emotions to pass. He has the right to experience distrust, anger and anger, pain, sadness and many other unpleasant feelings. First, he must admit such feelings, and also obtain similar consent from others. It is very important to maintain external environment whose most important task is to be and accompany parents after loss.
In particular, it means creating an atmosphere so that the "injured" person can scream and vent anger, so that they can talk about the loss or their beloved child. In such a meeting, there can be no room for judgment, “good” advice, judgment, or complaint. Practice shows that you just have to be. Orphaned parents have this chance, at least during joint retreats, as well as at regular community meetings after a losing streak. Everyone can be there, how he wants to be, and how he feels that he is exactly what he wants.
For a long time there has been a concept of accepting grief, consisting of 5 stages. It is believed that everything starts with denial and ends with acceptance. Modern science believes otherwise - accepting grief cannot consist of 5 steps, because people experience an incredible amount of feelings at the same time. They come and go, come again and eventually become less visible. Recent studies have confirmed that people accept death immediately and do not experience depression and anger - only grief for the person remains.
Bitter but effective remedy... This process - as noted above - leads to the healing of the wounds caused by the loss and brings you closer to your traumatized life. This is done mainly by forgiveness. For my sake, forgiveness is a remedy that makes wounds heal and a person slowly returns to normal functioning in the world. Forgiveness should be given to three people. Whatever happens, we often turn to the first complaints and ask: "Why?" At the moment of loss, the question arises of love for God and His Providence; They ask where he was when the tragedy struck.
How to survive the death of your son - the first stage
You cannot believe that this has happened, you are in shock and numbness. Each person has his own reaction - some freeze from grief, others try to forget themselves, calming relatives, organizing funerals and commemorations. The person does not understand what is happening to him. Antidepressants, sedatives, and massage can help. Don't be alone. Cry - it will help release grief and ease the soul. The stage lasts 9 days.
Many people with a perverse image of God think that He is responsible for the death of their child. As if God willingly allowed others to survive, as if he were directly sending diseases or ordering drunk drivers to get behind the wheel. God, although innocent, is accused as the executor of all suffering. Therefore, in the process of mourning, we must forgive him and thus make peace with him. Forgive everything that he did not do, but that he blamed his suffering parents.
Forgiveness is also necessary for the other person. It could be the one who killed the child. The same person can also be a child. Subconsciously, parents may regret that they left and left feeling empty. After all, it could be any other person for whom the spouse feels the anger or hatred associated with the loss. By allowing themselves to feel angry, they embark on a journey to reach a place of forgiveness that heals broken relationships.
Coping with the death of your son - stage two
The stage of denial lasts up to 40 days. A person with his mind already accepts the loss, but the soul cannot come to terms with what has happened. At this stage, parents can hear footsteps and even the voice of the deceased. The son may dream, in which case, talk to him and ask him to let you go. Talk about your son with your family, remember him. Constant tears are normal during this period, but don't allow yourself to cry around the clock. If you cannot get out of this stage, contact a psychologist.
The last person to be forgiven is the orphaned parent who must forgive himself. Many parents regret not taking care of themselves or their child, that they do not love them very much, they do not provide enough support, and now - after he has left - it is too late. Many parents disclose that they did not prevent death, did not protect their child, that they left them for some important time for his life. It is turned on by a being that has little to do with reality and generates a huge sense of guilt in a person.
Without forgiveness, without humble acceptance of yourself and your life, it is difficult to heal the wounds of loss, it is difficult to relieve pain and return to a more stable functioning in the world. The loss of a child is nothing more than the first. Just like after the resurrection of Jesus. The wounds remain, but life is new, different. It’s not easy for parents to go from loss to new life, from Good Friday to Easter. It takes a lot of patience, kindness, empathy, and crossing skills. Because when death enters the arena of our life as a borderline event for which we are powerless, then the scheme does not work.
How to survive the death of your son - third stage
For the next 6 months, you must accept the pain and loss. Suffering can subside and intensify. Parents often blame themselves for not saving the child. Aggression can spread to everyone around: friends of the son, the state or doctors. These are normal feelings, the main thing is that you do not overdo it with them.
Sorrow goes its own way, but everyone experiences it differently. For some parents, pain and trauma sometimes increase the losses they experience. And yet they are all invited to allow losses - to become an integral part of their lives - to lead them to something new, more mature and complete world, to agree with the surrounding reality, those around them and themselves. It is important to overcome a certain barrier of ineptitude, both from orphans and from those who would like to help them.
The former do not always know how to seek help, how to express their needs. In turn, the latter, often due to lack of personal experience, do not know how to approach them, how to speak, how to support them. God, who has experienced suffering and death, suffers with us. He comes and gives us his help, usually by acting as another person. The openness of this wonderful exchange makes wounds, although they do not disappear, they heal and become a testament to great love.
Coping with the death of your son - stage four
The experience becomes easier within a year after the loss. Be prepared for a crisis. By this time, you should learn to manage grief and you will no longer be as afraid of feelings as on the first day of the tragedy.
How to survive the death of your son - the fifth stage
The soul of the grieving person calms down by the end of the second year. Your grief will certainly not be forgotten, you just learn to live with it. Knowing what to do after your son's death will help you move on and think about the future.
People can experience such intense pain that they contemplate suicide. The pain can be incredibly intense. Drive such thoughts away - better ask for help.
Leisen Murtazina (Ufa): Mothers who have lost their children ... I don’t know how to help people who have gone through a similar tragedy. Perhaps the stories told here will give them some kind of direction.
November 27 - Mother's Day. This is a good and bright holiday, when the day of the most important and incredibly loved person is celebrated. But in life, excessively blasphemous things happen, unnatural and contrary to nature itself - when parents lose their child. The whole horror of what happened is that the woman remains a mother, but the child is no longer around. These women survived. They survived after their death.
RADMILA
After the departure of my son, my Dani, I began to go to the hospital. There remained many Dankin's friends, women with whom we met there and with whom we communicated for several years. In addition, when Danya and I were still in Moscow, and I saw how various holidays and training were organized there for children, clowns and some celebrities came. Our children were left to themselves, entertained each other as best they could.
At first, I did not understand that I was saving myself. I remember Danka was 40 days old, I bought 3 or 4 tricycle, big cars that you can sit on and ride. I was taking it as a gift from Dani. Then I just remembered how it was in Moscow, and I wanted our children to have it. Spent a holiday, brought household chemicals, water, came with volunteers. It always seemed to me that if Danka sees me, then he is proud of me. I still have this feeling. I perceive my “No Loss” foundation, which was born out of this activity, as my child. Sometime in 2011, I gave birth to him, and now he is already 5 years old. And every year he becomes more mature, stronger, smarter, more professional.
I really like it when people remember something, some interesting moments from his life. My Danka had a friend Roma. He is now an adult, 21 years old. It's been 8 years, but he comes to the commemoration every year. And I am so pleased when he remembers some things that were associated with their friendship. And to this day I recognize some tricks that they created, but I did not know about them! And I am pleased that this little boy then, still remembers my son, appreciates this friendship. When I look at his photos on social networks, I think it must be so big. And I could have a child of the same age. Of course, I am glad that Roma's life has developed, and he is such a handsome, smart guy.
It is probably better to talk frankly with the child about what is happening to him. In these cases, mothers do not experience irreversible tragedies. Moms do not make the decision to leave after the child either. The child leaves some kind of order. We give him the opportunity to accept this situation, we have the opportunity to say goodbye - and this is priceless! In pursuit of salvation, parents forget about the dying child itself.
These palliative children are already so tortured by the treatment they just want to be left alone. At this moment, perhaps, it will be best to fulfill his childhood dream. Take him to Disney Land, get to know some person, maybe he just wants to stay at home with his family.
I've made a lot of mistakes. I remember now, and I think maybe he will forgive me. Because, of course, I wanted the best. I did not have this knowledge then. I remember that he even tried to talk about it, but I did not hear. Now I would definitely talk to him, explain that this happens in life ... I would find the right words.
I dream of organizing a memorial day for these mothers. So that they have the opportunity to meet, talk about it, remember. And not only to cry, but also to laugh. Because every mother has some kind of happy memory associated with her child. This is what I try to remember. Of course, a child dying in your arms is an imprint for life. But when it's especially hard, I try to remember something good. How he took care of me, how he laughed, how we went somewhere, how he loved his bike, how he loved to assemble his Lego constructors. His birthdays as we celebrated the new year.
We all united for the sake of him, all our relatives. I packed these gifts at midnight, we came up with traces of how Santa Claus came out of the window and left gifts. And these are very valuable and pleasant memories. I remember how he was born, how they gave him in my arms. In the morning they brought it to me, I thought: "God, how beautiful he is!" Others are somehow not very ... but mine! I was proud that at the age of one he spoke three words: kitty, mother and fly. When he went, it was not yet a year old, I thought it was only mine! Nobody else! This is a unique case!
When a child dies, you cannot call and ask "how are you doing." I find this question to be silly and inappropriate. How can parents who have just lost their child be doing? And it is imperative to talk about what happened. If you try to close this topic, then the parents will experience it inside themselves. It is important to remember, to give the parents the opportunity to tell about it themselves. If the child has just left, of course, mom goes to the cemetery every day. Maybe try to perform this ritual with her, help her get there if there is no car. Be an assistant. Don't be discouraged from going there! Mom intuitively begins to do some things that help her. You just need to listen and not go against it.
For me, the first three years were the most difficult time. Everything around reminds of presence. I know many mothers hang photographs on their apartment. Some things loved cherish. For example, I have already started the ninth year, but its Lego set is still assembled. I like to say: he collected it! Imagine, at your age! There is such complex construction, a car with a motor. And I was so proud that he collected it.
Of course, you can't leave your mother alone with this grief for a long time. Let her talk, cry. Many people say: well, don’t, don’t cry ... let her cry! It is necessary, it is very important - to mourn my loss This pain will always be with me. It's not going anywhere. And not a single mother who has lost her child will go away. It seems to me that the parents of these children become palliative for life. These parents need help throughout their lives.
OLGA
We live with my husband - this year it will be 35 years old. We have two daughters - Maria, 32 years old, and Svetlana, 30 years old. Masha is married and lives in Novy Urengoy. Her daughter is 6 years old, her son is 2 years old. Works, like me, at an art school. Svetlana has been dancing all her life, working as a choreographer. While still studying at the pedagogical college, every year she worked in the pioneer camp as a choreographer and counselor. There she saw the children from the orphanage, who spent the whole summer in the camp.
For several years she tried to persuade me to take a girl - Vera, she really liked her - also a lover of dancing. But I could not make up my mind for a long time, and only in the fall of 2007 did they write a statement in the orphanage. The application was accepted, they said to wait for the call - they would invite foster parents to go through the School. There was no call for a long time, I already decided that we were not coming. They called in April.
I was told that they would not give Vera to us, since she has a brother, the children cannot be separated. And they will give us another girl - Alina. She was given to her family last year, but they want to return her. She was born in a large family- fourth or fifth child. According to the orphanage documents, they all went to places of detention. The mother was deprived of parental rights when she was 3 years old. Since then, she has been in an orphanage, from the age of seven in an orphanage. The house where she lived with her parents burned down. She only remembers her grandmother, who came to her until she was taken to the family.
I don't know why, but I got scared. Then I could not explain this fear to myself, now I think it was a premonition of our future events, a sign that if you are afraid, don’t take it! I remember the minute we saw her for the first time. Alina had to be brought and immediately given to our family so that the children would not injure her with questions. We came for her with my daughter Svetlana. We were taken to Alina. She was sitting at the table, indifferent, with lowered shoulders, all pressed into the chair, as if she wanted no one to notice her. Her gaze was fixed on nowhere.
When she was asked if she would go to live with our family, she glanced at us and nodded as if she didn’t care. So on May 31, 2008 she became ours. At that time she was 10 years old. According to the documents, she is Alina. But at home we call her Polina. We decided to change her name after she read somewhere that Alina means “stranger”. Long time to choose. We stopped at Polina not by chance: P - Olin (that is, mine); according to the digital designation, POLINA fully corresponds to ALINA; on church canons corresponds to Apollinaria. And Polina also means small. And she so wanted to be small, beloved, because she was deprived of this. For 2 years we lived not to say that it would be happy, but quite calmly.
In addition to school, Polina also attended an art and music studio. She had many friends. She turned out to be a cheerful, cheerful child. And in the family, everyone accepted her as their own, dear. Our hospital epic began at the end of August 2010. Polina found a lump in her body.
Since November 17, 2010, the Department of Oncohematology has become our second home. We lived there: we were treated, studied, went, when possible, to shops, cafes, cinema. We met new people. They were friends, quarreled, reconciled. In general, they lived almost as before, with the exception of one thing: they learned to live with everyday pain. Children have physical pain, parents have moral and mental pain. We also learned to deal with losses. Probably, in our case, this word must be written with a capital letter, because this is not just Losses, this is Kamilochka, Igor, Sasha, Ilyusa, Yegorka, Vladik ...
And in my soul there was a hope that this would pass us by. We will recover, we will forget about this time, as about a terrible dream. Polina has become truly dear to me here. I wanted to take her in my arms, clasp her to my chest, close myself against this disease. I did not give birth to her, but I endured her, suffered. How happy we were when we were discharged home in July. And how short our joy was ... In November we again found ourselves in our 6th department. All year we came home only to collect things for the next trip. We hoped! We lived with this hope! But in December, too, we received a terrible verdict.
Until the last day Polinka enjoyed life, was glad that spring would come soon. She managed to congratulate everyone on the first day of spring and live three days in her last spring ...
How did I live these two and a half years? The first six months I just forgot how to talk. I didn't want to talk to anyone, go anywhere, see anyone. Didn't answer phone calls. I resigned from the artist, where I worked for 25 years, was the head teacher. Every day I looked at the photos, went to her page on VKontakte - leafed through her notes and interpreted them in a new way. In the store, I first of all went to those goods that I bought when we were in the hospital, to what Polka could buy. On the street I saw girls like her. At home, all her things, put each piece of paper in her closet. I didn't even think about throwing away or giving something. It seems to me that then tears from my eyes just flowed constantly.
In April my eldest daughter left my granddaughter in my care. Now I understand how difficult it was for them to decide, but with this they probably saved me, pulled me out of depression. With my granddaughter, I again learned to laugh and rejoice.
In September, I got a job at the Children's and Youth Center as the head of an art studio.
New job, new people, new demands. Heap paperwork... I had to learn, not only work, but also live in a reality that was new to me. Time for memories was only at night. I learned to live without thinking about the past. This does not mean that I forgot - it was in my heart every minute, I just tried not to think about It.
I am grateful to the people who were with me that they did not bother me with questions. Sometimes it was scary to communicate with people, I was afraid that a sore subject would be touched upon. I knew that I could not say anything, nothing at all - I was just holding my breath, my throat tightened. But mostly people who understood and accepted my pain were nearby. Even now it is difficult for me to speak on this topic.
On the other hand, I remember with gratitude how persistently she called me if I didn’t answer - one of the mothers, who became my friend, to my children. She wrote to me on the Internet, demanded answers. I just had to communicate with her. She scolded me for not answering others, because they are worried about us, offended by my inattention, the fact that I simply ignore them. Now I understand how right she was. After going through the tests together, they did not deserve this attitude. It was sheer selfishness on my part - to think only about my grief, to make them feel guilty for the fact that their children are alive, and not to rejoice in it with them.
I am grateful to those who remember Polina. I am glad when her friends write something about her on the Internet, post her photos, remember her in the days of remembrance. Now I understand how I was wrong, even selfish, when I was offended by those who told me that I shouldn't bother her anymore, that I should let her live. the last days calmly, at home, surrounded by loved ones, no need to inject her anymore, take medicine. I believed that I had to fight to the end, especially since Polina wanted to. It's just that no one told her that she could no longer be helped. But I knew that! And she continued to beat against the stone wall.
I remember another girl, whose mother accepted the inevitable, and calmly gave and did for her daughter whatever she wanted. And I haunted Polina. I begin to forgive those whom I took offense at during treatment. We left the hospital with resentment. Rather, I left with resentment. Polina, it seems to me, did not know how to take offense at all. Or life has taught her not to show it. I forgive, because they are just people, just doing their job. And palliative is not in their competence. It turns out that they were not taught this. Now I know that there is no palliative care as such in Russia, with the exception of Moscow and St. Petersburg, and even there everything is very complicated.
Once I was asked - would I like to forget about this period of my life? I don’t want to forget. How can you forget about your child, about other children, about how they lived, what they experienced together. The disease taught us a lot. This is a part of my life, and I do not want to be deprived of it.
OKSANA
My daughter Arisha was born as an Angel, on the feast of Holy Easter, and left on Christmas. ... There is no rational explanation why this happened to us. Our loss is terrible, and truly unfair. 10 months have passed, and I still look at my daughter's grave - and I don't believe it. There is something unreal about visiting your own child in a cemetery. It was as if I had left my own body and looked at someone strange, unfamiliar, who was standing there and laying flowers and toys on the ground. ... Is it really me? Is this really my life?
The common phrase that a mother is ready to give her life for her child becomes fully - at the level of emotions - understandable only when you yourself become a mother. Being a parent means wearing your heart not inside, but outside. No matter how you imagine how a person who has lost a child feels, multiply this by a trillion times - and it will still not be enough.
My experience is this: sincere human concern and kindness surprised me as many times as their absence. In fact, it is not so important what to say to the person. In fact, we cannot say “I understand you” here. Because we don't understand. We understand that it is bad and scary, but we do not know the depth of this hell, in which a person is now. But the mother who buried the child feels empathy for the other mother who buried the child, compassion, supported by experience. Here every word can be at least somehow perceived and heard. And most importantly - here is a living person who also experienced this.
Therefore, at first I was surrounded by such mothers. It is very important for orphaned parents to talk about their grief, to speak openly, without looking back. I found that this is the only thing that somehow relieves the pain. And also a lot, calmly and for a long time to listen. Not comforting, not encouraging, not asking to rejoice. The parent will cry, will blame himself, will retell the same little things a million times. Just be around. It is very important to find at least one or two reasons to continue living. With such a solid foundation in your head, it will act as a buffer when you feel like giving up. Also, pain is a simulator. Trainer for all other senses. Pain mercilessly, sparing no tears, trains the desire to live, develops the muscle of love.
Therefore, for the sake of all parents who are in grief, I will write 10 points. Perhaps they will change to better life at least one orphaned parent.
1. 10 months have passed, and I wake up every morning with the same feeling of grief that I experienced on the day of Arisha's death. The only difference is that now I have learned much better to hide the pain of my torn to shreds heart. The shock gradually subsided, but I still cannot believe that it happened. It always seemed to me that such things happen to other people - but not to me. You asked me how I was, and then you stopped. Where did you get the information that on such and such a week, in such and such a month after the loss of the child, the mother no longer needs such questions and participation?
2. Please don't tell me that all you dream about is to make me happy again. Believe me, no one in the world wants this as much as I do. But I cannot achieve this at the present time. The most difficult thing in this whole story is that I have to find some other happiness. The one that I once experienced - the feeling that you care for a loved one - will never come to me in its entirety again. And in this situation, understanding and patience on the part of loved ones can become truly salutary.
3. Yes, I will never be the same again. I am now who I am. But believe me, no one misses me more than me! And I mourn two losses: the death of my daughter and the death of me - as I once was. If you only knew what horror I had to go through, you would understand that staying the same is beyond human strength. Losing a child changes you as a person. My views on the world have changed, what was once important is no longer so - and vice versa.
4. If you decide to call me on my daughter's first birthday and the first anniversary of her death, why don't you do it on the second, on the third? Do you think that each new anniversary becomes less important to me?
5. Stop constantly telling me how lucky I am to have my own guardian angel and another child. Did I tell you about this? Then why are you telling me this? I buried my own daughter, and you seriously think I'm lucky?
6. Is it useless to cry in front of children? You are wrong. It is very helpful for them to see their mother mourning the death of their sister or brother. When someone dies, it's okay to cry. It’s not normal if the children grow up and think: "It's strange, but I have never seen my mother cry because of her sister or brother." They can learn to hide emotions by believing that because their mother did this, then this is right - and this is wrong. We must grieve. As Megan Devine puts it: “There are some things in life that cannot be fixed. This can only be experienced. "
7. Don't say I have one child. I have two of them. If you don’t consider Arisha my child just because she died, then it’s your business. But not with me. Two, not one!
8. There are days when I want to hide from the whole world and take a break from constant pretense. On such days, I do not want to pretend that everything is wonderful with me and I feel my best. Do not think that I let the grief break me down or that my head is wrong.
9. Do not say worn-out phrases like: “Everything that happens is for the better”, “It will make you better and stronger”, “It was predetermined”, “Nothing happens just like that”, “You need to take responsibility for my life ”,“ Everything will be fine ”, etc. These words hurt and hurt severely. To say so is to trample on the memory of loved ones. Say literally, “I know you’re in pain. I am here, I am with you, I am near. " Just be there, even when you are uncomfortable or it seems that you are not doing anything useful. Believe me, it is where you are not comfortable where the roots of our healing are. It starts when there are people ready to go there with us.
10. Grieving for the child will stop only when you see him again. This is for life. If you are asking yourself how long your friend or family member will yearn for, here's the answer: always. Don't rush them, don't belittle the feelings they feel, don't make them feel guilty about them. Open your ears - and listen, listen to what they tell you. Perhaps you will learn something. Don't be so cruel as to leave them alone with themselves.
GULNARA
When a big misfortune comes into the house - the loss of a child, the house freezes in an oppressive, terrifying silence. The universal sweep of grief hits you like a gigantic tsunami wave. Covers so that you lose your life guidelines. Once I read in a smart book how you can be saved if you got into it. First: we must stop fighting the elements - that is, accept the situation. Second: it is necessary, having typed as much air into the lungs as possible, to sink to the very bottom of the reservoir and crawl along the bottom to the side, as far as possible. Third: it is imperative to emerge. The most important thing is that you will do all the actions completely alone! Good instruction for those who know it and will use it if they find themselves in such a situation.
Only a year has passed since my son became a "celestial". It turned my whole life upside down. My personal experience living the loss allows me to write my own instructions for "rescuing drowning people." You can drown in grief very quickly, but it won't make it any easier. Maybe my thoughts will be useful to someone. From the very beginning I was surrounded and surrounded by people who support and help me. No, they didn’t sit with me around the clock and mourn my child, no, they didn’t teach me how to live and didn’t analyze why it happened. The first days and late evenings near me were empathetic, delicate people. They came to my house, invited me to visit, these were extraordinary meetings - support.
I am very grateful to friends and acquaintances for this delicate concern. Yes, they called me, but NO ONE asked HOW IT happened. Everyone was interested in my health and my plans for the day. I was offered joint walks around beautiful places city, inviting me to make a choice. Later I decided to give all the toys, and the child's things to other children who need them, I made a small rearrangement in the apartment. I removed all the photos. When I am mentally ready, I will put them in a prominent place again. It was easier for me to live through the grief. I have a goal, I really want to reach it. Moreover, the goal appeared as soon as the irreparable happened.
I had to live through “I can’t”, I have always loved Life, and I believed and believe that I can handle it. I went on a trip to the sea. And I was very lucky with the company. All the people on vacation were new, strangers to me. And that helped me a lot. After the trip, I went to work. And I am very grateful to the team for that silence and delicacy, for patience and for showing concern. Frankly, at times it was catastrophically difficult. I also tried to be among people more, to make new acquaintances. When it got really hard, I called the mothers who had also lost their children and began to entertain them with all sorts of positive stories.
It was difficult, but I WANTED TO BE JOY. And it became easier for me. The girls in return told me that I called on time and thanked for the support. We laughed together into the telephone sets, remembered our children, and it was a bright memory that gave strength. We must communicate with those who are in the same vortex. It makes them stronger and these people feel you as you do them.
I remember that at the very beginning I had a great sense of guilt that I did not save my son, and, in order not to destroy myself, I began to deal with this problem. The help of a psychologist is a good support, especially if he is a professional. high class... And another important point, I do not like it when I feel sorry and even worse when I begin to feel sorry for myself. I am sure that you need to bring yourself back to life through communication with people with whom you feel good, through your favorite hobbies, to try yourself as a lone traveler in some unexplored area, which you have long dreamed of, of course, without fanaticism. More to be on fresh air perhaps master a new business. Collect guests in the house. The most to go to the guests. Read new books, watch interesting films, visit theaters and museums, travel.
Be sure to communicate with the children when you are ready. They are very sensitive and give a lot of love and care. And remember, people are not perfect. Try not to be offended or offend those who tell you incorrect things. You are going through a terrible grief, and people do not always know how to behave around you in a difficult situation. In such cases, there are no institutes and schools with a special curriculum. Let them go in peace. And live on. And yet, there is a huge force inside you. Believe in it, then you can live this pain. And also you have a lot of love, warmth and kindness. Give it to people and even more will come back to you. If any of you who are living in a similar situation need support and help, then you can call me 8-927-08-11-598 (phone in Ufa).
I did not write "prohibit grieving." There are no such words in my statement. I wrote about the fact that you think that only a person who has experienced it himself has the right to tell his grief, and all the others who wrote above, and there were brothers and sisters, do not have the right to do so. Here's a post from a girl who wrote to you:
"Shmelik is such a mother ... However, I was also cut short by her post. In my family, there was also a tragedy and my mother left after her brother in 1.5 years and she will not write not to the author. And I myself, being a child, raised my brother instead of my mother from the beginning of my mother's illness from the age of 4 to the age of 13 my brother has no right to write about this, I "felt the pain not so much" the bumblebee is stronger. "
You didn’t tell her that she didn’t understand correctly, you didn’t correct her in any way. Your answer was as follows:
"Anonymous, well, let me grin cynically at your remark. What could have cut you like that in my post? You must understand how, to put it mildly, it is not pleasant to listen to." horror stories"people (and who, thank God, did not survive this) about all this .. I can imagine how my neighbor writes here about me. N-yeah ..."
And what does the neighbors have to do with it, and even a cynical grin? She asked you directly why, in your opinion, she had no right to tell about her brother. you tell her about the neighbors, while grinning cynically. Most likely it was a misunderstanding, you just didn’t speak, as it is implied by itself? But you didn't tell the person that. and the impression was different.
Well, for the previous two quotes, I have already answered with a post above.
"You really did not forbid grieving, you just said the following to the manifestation of grief."
Now it is clear where the dog is buried, I did not say "to the manifestation of grief", but to your statement that from your point of view, someone else's grief should not be shared, only the one who experienced it should share it. This is what I mean by the word "react". That's all, no more, no less. When I said, you are wrong, I spoke about this statement, you read for yourself "you are wrong in manifesting your grief." although I have not spoken about it anywhere. now I understand and your response to my approval of Elizabeth Soutter Schwarzer. And I could not understand why you react this way, because I am writing that her statements were written in a separate article, in a recommendatory form. For someone, her advice may be relevant, for someone like, I already wrote to you, they can harm, since we experience grief in different ways. Now I understand, you thought that I condemn the manifestation of your grief, at the same time, I agree with her. :-) Yes, it's tricky. I did not condemn you, I wrote you are wrong in your statement in the first post, in my opinion. As you can see, I wrote "You are wrong", meaning only your statement in this topic, you read "You are wrong" meaning "manifestation of grief". Well, thank God we figured it out, and I think we will disperse on that. It's time already, now it is clear that these were discrepancies and nothing more.
When a sudden death occurs in a family, it is always grief. And in a situation with children, death is also something that is unnatural. Against the laws of life itself, where children are our continuation, from the point of view of the course of history. And their death becomes the death of a part of us and our future, turning back time ...
This is something that is difficult to prepare for and with which it is unbearably painful, and at first it is impossible to reconcile, even if the child is seriously ill from birth, and the doctors initially did not give favorable forecasts. Parents believe in the miracle of healing to the last and do everything possible, and sometimes even impossible.
Helpful on this topic: Dealing with grief: psychotherapy for grief (ed.)
Often the topic of the death of a child is so unsafe and painful that they prefer not to talk about it. In the stories of families, these events are hushed up, avoided, become forbidden, taboo. They hang in a strong, frightening, bottomless, negatively charged, tense abyss.
This is explained by the presence of very strong deep negative experiences: here and different types guilt, including “ the survivor's fault», shame, despair, and helplessness, and fear of judgment close environment and society, which, often not knowing the situation, seeks to blame the “bad” parents - “they didn’t manage”, “they didn’t save”.
it's the same rejection, since often a vacuum is formed around grieving families due to the fact that others themselves are very afraid of their feelings about death or simply do not know what to say, how to comfort, and for many it is unbearable to be near grief and strong feelings... For a grieving family, it looks like “everyone turned away” for some unknown reason, “a vacuum has formed” through which no one can break through.
There are statistics that many families after the loss of a child, even if there are other children and many happy years lived together, break up. Of the famous cases, the family of famous singers Albano and Romina Power can be cited as an example. Their daughter did not die, but was kidnapped. And this led to the separation of the star duo.
In this situation it comes about the loss of a child and the grief of experiencing loss. This often happens because parents withdraw into themselves, do not share their experiences with each other, do not know how to support a partner or how to accept help from loved ones. The grief of each is lived alone and therefore stronger, both feel incomprehensible, a wall of detachment grows between them, secondary bitterness and resentments are already accumulating.
At the same time, both can additionally hurt each other, competing, whose grief is greater, finding out "who is to blame" or not being able, not finding the strength to forgive, for example, if there was an accident that occurred in the presence or through an oversight - ignorance of one from the parents.
It happens that the very sight of a partner acts as a reminder of the tragedy that has occurred, as a trigger, triggering suffering. This is how vicious circle from which without special assistance often do not get out.
There are also such couples who live this tragedy together, become closer, more united, stronger. It gives hope to us as well, who work with grief. But even for these supportive couples, it is a very difficult test.
The process of grieving at the death of children often tends to be so-called stuck. When the regular stages of living the loss cease to naturally replace each other, getting stuck on one of them.
So, the child's room and things can be kept intact for years. There is, as it were, a denial of the very fact of death. The child is "expected" or not released from the memory of him. The process of mourning as such does not even begin in this case.
This often happens when a child is abducted, or his body is not found or is found, but in a very altered form as a result of a fire, fall, building collapse or accident, and the fact of death does not seem obvious to the parents. As if there is no that special starting point, the point of no return, from which the acceptance of what happened and the living of the tragedy begins. There is an endless pain-filled anticipation and an unconscious postponement of the encounter with even greater pain in the fear of not getting through it.
Often, when in the family there are prohibitions on the expression of emotions and their suppression, when they act defense mechanisms denial, repression and rationalization, relatives, in order not to face their own experiences and fear of death or the experiences of grief-stricken parents, begin to give advice to a mother who has lost a child from the category: “Do not cry!”, “Live for your husband”, or other children, if they are, "You will give birth to another, what are your years!" Accept yourself! "
Even worse can sound only direct accusations “I didn’t keep track!”, “How could you ?!”, “As soon as such light wears? Kill your own child! " That is, in fact, ignore, do not understand and devalue her feelings. And in the latter case, also accused in what happened.
And although these words may be the most good intentions“To help a loved one to quickly forget what happened, relieve pain, help return to normal life and cope”, but for those who are grieving, alas, there is no support, no help, no acceptance, no love itself.
Moreover, in some cases, such comments can worsen the situation: lead to prolonged depression, suicidal thoughts and additional trauma. Therefore, it is very important to think about the consequences of what was said, carefully choose the words of support, and if it is not clear what to say and how to behave, it is better to be silent and do nothing. Just be around.
Or honestly confess your feelings and thoughts, and tell them that you want to help, but do not know how, that you cannot bear to see their experiences, that you are very afraid of death or feel helpless before what happened. Your sincerity will be better than any advice. Remember, the main thing is not to harm.
To forbid to feel is impossible... As well as controlling the process of living grief. In addition, due to personal psychological and physiological characteristics, we will feel, experience and express our emotions in different ways in strength and duration.
Any grief of loss requires time and effort to recover, or rather even what is called “learning to live without”. The stronger the grief, the harder and longer this recovery process takes.
How can you help a loved one cope with the death of a child?
To understand how to help deal with grief, it is important to know what the bereaved person needs.It is important for those who are grieving:
- do not become isolated in grief;
- to have someone to turn to;
- be able to speak out and be heard;
- understand what is happening to them;
- get the right to your grief and recognition of your feelings;
- express feelings and pain, at least name and speak them;
- receive support, comfort and calm acceptance,
- find new meanings to live
To help a loved one get through grief, it is important to:
1. Be close.It is to be affordable. Spending time together. Write. Call. Asking what you can do. To say that you are near. That you can count on. That you want to help and be together. You don't need to force yourself to spend 24 hours together. You can help with small actions. Especially at first and when asked. It is important not to leave for a long time, to be physically and emotionally close, especially at significant moments (communication with the morgue, funeral, 9 days) and remember the first anniversaries.
2. Talk about what happened. Memories heal.
Ask in detail and in detail what happened, when, where, what the person felt, what he did, who else was there, how people reacted, who said or did what, what he / she did in response. At the same time, it is important not to evaluate, not compare, not comment, but ask and listen.
It is believed that repetition of the story of what happened helps to cope with grief and difficult memories, the same principle applies to work with post-traumatic stress disorder that occurs in people who have been exposed to severe, prolonged or repetitive psycho-traumatic effects: combatants, survivors of terrorist attacks , disasters or natural Disasters.
Important! It is worth asking and talking about what happened under one indispensable condition: if the person who has lost the child wants to talk about it himself.
3. Help express pain.
It is important to understand what is happening to the grieving person, what he is feeling. What exactly did he lose with the loss of this child, what hopes, expectations, dreams, opportunities, plans, a picture of the future, ideas about himself. It is important to name all emotions, to speak out fears: fear of death, fear of loneliness, fear of the future, fear of blaming yourself for what happened, etc.
If it is difficult for a person to name their emotions, this often happens in families where it is not customary to express them, you can ask to describe where in the body he / she feels his / her pain or grief, what they are - in size, density, temperature, position, mobility, color ...
Some have images of “a clot of dark energy ready to explode”, “ stone plate that crushed the chest and interfered with breathing "," a suction funnel in the middle of the chest "," a fire that burns the heart. " If it is difficult to express in words, you can ask to draw.
No matter how inappropriate your request may sound, sometimes it is worth asking and even insisting to do it, since any expressed emotion called a word, sensation, image or image translates the experience from the inside out, helps awareness and, as a result, living and getting rid of it, releases it from the body ... Let not immediately and not completely, but it will bring a little relief.
4. Calm and comfort.
If you are unsure of what to do, ask what you can do to comfort the bereaved. Severe stress often leads to regression in the one who is experiencing it. This means that the methods of comfort that helped us when we were little will do.
For some, it may be beneficial to just sit nearby in silence. Someone needs to be hugged and cried together. Sometimes tactile touches such as stroking the back or head are soothing. Sometimes the quiet melodic calm lulling words of the comforting one.
During stress, adrenaline is released, which, for a certain duration of exposure, leads to a spasm of peripheral vessels, and a person may feel that he is cold and chills, plus the impact psychological stress which adds a sense of inner tremor. In this case, a cup of hot tea and a blanket will bring temporary relief.
5. Be sincere when you try to help the grieving person.
So, words that would help in many other situations do not work in case of grief over a deceased child. Saying, for example, “I understand you,” you can unexpectedly run into strong protest, resistance and even rage. “How can YOU understand me if your child is alive? !! If you don't know what the death of your baby is ?! "
So it is more appropriate to say it as it is: "I can't even imagine the pain that you are experiencing now." "There is no grief stronger than the grief of a mother who has lost a child." I repeat, if you don’t know how to say it correctly, don’t say anything better.
6. Be considerate.
It is important to discern in time if there are dangerous symptoms and persuade to seek medical attention from a specialist or psychological help.
Special attention worth paying:
- suicidal thoughts and actions, when a person says that he does not want to live or even attempts to commit suicide;
- depression, when a sharp weight loss occurs in a short time (more than 5 kg in a week or two), sleep is disturbed - a person cannot fall asleep for days, and falling asleep often wakes up; a person is completely detached from reality, lost, immersed in his thoughts, does not react to what is happening, sits all the time swaying from side to side, tears continuously flow down his face or, conversely, the face does not express anything, the gaze is directed inward or at one point (with this state lasts for days);
- inadequacy appears in behavior or sensations: hysterical laughter, talking about the child as if it were alive, hallucinations, obsessive thoughts or accentuated calm indifference, as if nothing had happened;
- physical symptoms occur, such as loss of consciousness, sharp abdominal pain or sharp pain behind the breastbone, possible somatization of mental pain and the occurrence of a heart attack.
So, a 5-year-old girl who was present at the death of a 2-year-old brother, which occurred from strangulation, when he choked on a small detail of the designer, stopped eating solid food. Any lump made her suffocate, accompanied by the urge to vomit.
However, if you are worried about something in the grieving state, it is better to consult a specialist. In almost all cases that I encountered in my practice, at first, especially the first days after the incident, it was necessary to use different strengths and doses of sedatives, which, in some cases, were used for a month or more after the funeral. It is necessary that the medicine is prescribed by a doctor, since nuances in the schemes and dosages are possible.
For loved ones and comforting IMPORTANT:
- Be silent if you don't know what to say.
- Be sincere and honest. To say what you really think and feel, not to pretend or belittle.
- Listen to yourself. Don't do what you don't want to do.
- Rely on your own opinion. Not doing what is “accepted” if you don’t share it or feel it’s inappropriate.
- Avoid the generally accepted comforting phrases and advice: "Pull yourself together", "Stop harassing yourself", "Time heals", "Try to forget", "Live the future", "Be strong", "We must live on", "Exhausted", "This is what the Lord wanted."
What NOT to do or "20 DO NOT":
1. Don't interrupt;2. Don't avoid, but don't force yourself;
3. Don't translate the conversation;
4. Do not advise;
5. Do not forbid feeling and talking about pain;
6. Don't hold back your worries;
7. Do not be afraid;
8. Don't judge;
9. Don't cheat;
10. Don't discount;
11. Don't interfere;
13. Don't say you understand;
14. Don't try to cheer;
15. Don't make excuses;
16.
Don't blame;
17.
Don't save;
18. Do not shield from reality and pain;
19. Don't organize a funeral instead;
20. Don't take on the organization of life.
What to try or "20 WAYS TO HELP":
1. Be quiet (if you don't know what to say);2. Listen to the grieving one;
3. Listen to your heart;
4. Be near;
5. Let me talk;
6. Help express feelings;
7. Hear;
8. Understand;
9. Calm down;
10. Be honest;
11. Sympathize;
12. Ask;
13. Speak;
14. Remember;
15. Do simple things together;
16. Hug;
17. Sit next to me;
18. Take care;
19. Find the strength to endure the pain and tears of another;
20. Love.
Therapy is indicated in situations of pathological grief, when one becomes stuck at one of the stages of the mourning process, or complex grief, for example, when there are multiple losses - a spouse and child died in an accident, or there is an unmourned close relative in the person's experience, grieving for which was prohibited ... For example, due to the fact that the deceased committed suicide, it was not customary in a believing family to talk about it, just as it is impossible to officially mourn the loss and to honor the memory in an acceptable way, and the death of your own child actualized the past, not experienced grief.
* The article used data from the book by Jorge Bucay
Your children have all gone to heaven. There can be no doubt about this. And if they stayed alive, then there could be no confidence in this ... Thus, you see that the Lord relieves you by the truly bright participation of children from meeting their worst and irreparable fate.
Saint Theophan, Hermit Vyshensky (1815-1894).
Image If God takes young men to Him, then, apparently, He takes them in good time: apparently, they are already quite ripe for eternity, and the Lord takes them, so that malice will not change their mind, or flattery will deceive their soul; and if they were not yet ripe, then they would be incomparably worse for the sky if they stayed longer on earth. And in general, where to set the limit of life for people who are dear to the heart? Only our cold reason sometimes decides, and then it is hesitant who death kidnaps at the right time, who is not at the right time, and our poor heart does not know the calculations of reason: if only the person kidnapped by death was kind to him, it equally grieves and cries for him, At the dawn of his days, at noon of his life, or at the very end of his life, he left the light ... No, it is terrible to murmur against Providence, but it is useless to murmur against ourselves.
Bishop Hermogenes (Dobronravin) (XIX century).
Image ... Whoever endured sorrow and thanked God received a martyr's crown. If, for example, a child is in pain, and the mother thanks God, this is a crown for her. Is not her sorrow worse than any torture? However, she did not force her to say a cruel word. The child dies - the mother again thanks God. She became Abraham's daughter ...
Image ... Or have you lost your son? Not lost; do not say that ... Do not irritate God, but propitiate Him; if you endure it generously, then from here there will be some consolation both for the deceased and for you; if not, then you will anger God even more, just as if, seeing that the master is punishing the slave, you were angry with him, then you would irritate him even more against yourself. Do not do so, but thank God, that in this way the cloud of your sorrow will be scattered; say like the blessed Job: The Lord will give, the Lord will take away (Job 1:21); Imagine how many who pleased God more than you did not even have children and were not called fathers. And, you say, I would not wish to have them; because it is better not to experience pleasure than, having experienced it, to be deprived of it. No, I admonish you, do not say this, do not irritate the Lord; but give thanks also for what you have received, bless also for what you did not keep to the end. Job did not say: it would have been better not to have, as you say, ungrateful, but he thanked for that too: the Lord gave, and for this he blessed: the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord forever. And to his wife, blocking her mouth and admonishing her, he said such wonderful words: if the good is received from the hand of the Lord, can we not endure the evil (2, 10)?
Saint John Chrysostom (IV-V century).
Image ... Due to human weakness, it is impossible not to grieve the mother at all about the deprivation of children. But as a Christian, you must temper this sorrow with the Christian hope that your daughter will receive great mercy from the Heavenly King, in His heavenly and endless Kingdom; as she is delighted with life at a very young age, without experiencing any temptations of the world.
The life of Saints Andronicus and Athanasia says that no one with such boldness asks the Lord for reward as children, saying: "Lord, You have deprived us of the blessings of the earth, do not deprive us of the heavenly ones." Occupy, princess, more often your mind with such reflections, and then your sorrowful spirit will receive spiritual joy through this.
Image It is impossible ... not to grieve, not to lament, not to be sad to the parents, who so unexpectedly lost their only child. But we are not pagans who have no hope regarding the future life, but Christians who have joyful consolation beyond the grave regarding receiving the future eternal bliss. With this joyous thought, you should moderate your sorrow, satisfy your great sorrow that, although you have lost your son for a while, you can see him again in your future life, you can unite with him so that you will never part with him. It is only necessary to take decent measures: 1) to commemorate M.'s soul at the Bloodless Sacrifice, at the reading of the Psalter and in your home prayers; 2) to create his soul and alms that he can.
Venerable Ambrose of Optina (1812-1891).
Image They say: “How can it be that a soul, tormented by calamities and as if hurt by the feeling of sorrow, does not cry and indulge in tears, but what is really hateful, thanks for that, as for the good? For how will I be grateful, enduring what the enemy might wish me? The brainchild was untimely stolen, and the sick mother of her beloved is tormented by diseases, the heaviest of the previous torments of birth; how can she, leaving crying, turn to the words of thanksgiving? "
Image Is this possible? Perhaps, if you judge that the closest Father, the most reasonable Trustee and House-builder of life is to the child born of her, God. Why, then, do we not allow a reasonable Master to dispose of His property as He pleases, but we are annoyed as if they were being deprived of property, and we regret the dying, as if an offense was being made to them? And you argue that the brainchild has not died, but given back ...
Let the commandment of God live with you inseparably, ceaselessly imparting to you, as it were, some light and illumination for judging deeds. She, having taken upon herself in advance the supervision of your soul and having prepared in it the correct opinions about every thing, will not allow you to change from anything that happens to you, but will do that with a prepared thought, like a cliff near the sea, it is safe and withstand the blows unwaveringly strong winds and waves. Why are you not accustomed to think mortally about a mortal, but accepted the death of the child as something unexpected? When for the first time you were informed about the birth of your son, then if someone asked you: what was born? - what would you answer? Would he say anything else, or that a man was born? And if a man, then, of course, a mortal? What's so unusual about a mortal dead? Can't you see the sun rising and setting? Do you not see that the moon grows, then decreases, that the earth is covered with greenery, then withers? What is constantly around us? What is motionless and unchanging by nature? Lift your gaze to the sky, look to the earth: and they are not eternal. For it is said: heaven and earth will pass away: the sun will darken, and the moon will not give its light, and the stars will fall from heaven (Matt. 24, 35, 29). Why is it surprising if we, being part of the world, experience what is characteristic of the world?
Saint Basil the Great (330-379).
Image Cheer up, lady, cheer up; time to be comforted; open your hearing and listen to divine sayings: man is like grass, his days are like wild flower, so it also fades (Ps. 102, 15). What kind of person will live and not see death (Ps. 88, 49)? For if we believe that Jesus died and rose again, then God will bring those who have died in Jesus with Him (1 Thess. 4:14). So, we did not completely lose our son, but a little later, when the last trumpet sounds, he will rise to meet the Lord in the air (1 Thess. 4:17), and there we will see him.
Image He is here struck with a death blow, but there he will not experience eternal sorrow, as he put on Christ in Baptism, containing Orthodox faith and not yet satiated with the local pleasures, having tasted them, as it were, with the end of a finger in his youth ...
How much evil, lady, would he endure while remaining in the flesh? Don't you think that life here is a test for man? A spouse, children, an abundance of slaves and other things necessary for life, moreover, and earthly glory - that was what was in store for him. Having got rid of all this and only slightly wetting his soul with the bitter waves of life, he will have great freedom of the soul, uniting with God.
Image Thus, lady, put aside, leave inconsolable sorrow, put an appropriate limit to suffering: offer God a sacrifice of praise, of confession (Ps. 49, 14). Say with blessed Job: The Lord gave, the Lord also took; as the Lord pleased, so it was done (Job 1:21); repeat the words of David: return, my soul, to your rest (Psalm 114: 6). For the death of a son is your soul. But beholding your widowhood, exclaim: The Lord is my helper, and I will not fear what man can do to me (Psalm 117: 6).
Image By setting yourself up in this way, firstly, you please God, as if voluntarily sacrificing your son, like Abraham, then you will deliver the greatest benefit to the most dear son when he sees that you endure it with gratitude. By this, you and all others will present an example of good patience in Christ Jesus, our Lord, Whom we pray that He, touching your heart with mercy and compassion (Psalm 102: 4), bring forth a light of consolation in you and grant you peaceful life, and at the end of a pious life here, I vouchsafed you a meeting with your son and eternal joy with him.
Image Turn, I convince you, the gaze of your mind at what is happening in the universe, look at ancient generations, at our forefather Adam himself, look and think: who, having appeared in the world, remained in this century, and did not bloom and was not withered by death soon, like growing grass? ..
Image Real life- some definite ministry and one-day work, and then immediately - returning home, I mean moving from here to there. The patriarchs have been and are gone, the prophets have been and are gone; fathers and mothers have been and gone; brothers, friends and family were and gone. And what are the kings? What are the nobles? What are the bosses? What - every age and the whole human race? Did not all go into the earth, or will go after a while, as those who came from the earth?
Image But here's what is needed: so that, having worked well here and having spent life in accordance with the will of the Creator God, we would be uncondemned, facing the terrible Judgment Seat there, which your son truly and undoubtedly achieved and was honored with. For blessed, they say, is he of those born of wives who lived little and whom the Lord chose and took to Himself at the first age, who did not experience the bitter sins of this life ...
From here we wish you to draw means for consolation, from here - calmness. Be the culprit of joy and a doctor, not only for yourself, but also for Mrs. Spafari, who especially needs healing and consolation, due to the fact that she is not used to patience, and then for others close to you, so that you appear knowledgeable in Divine things, and walking in accordance with the law of God and knowing where the departed, especially your dearest son has gone: not to death, not to non-being, but to eternal life and to God who created everything; and so that fathers, acquaintances, and those who have gathered for burial to show an excellent example of how to endure the loss of children with gratitude and humility and not resist God's commands.
The Monk Theodore the Studite (+ 826).
Image: Great is your grief, your grief is immeasurable, loss is irreparable. I know my heart breaks. And ordinary death, separating us from our families, is hard. How much harder it must be for your heart to be separated from your dear, good Vassenka, who was torn from you by such death. Hard, painful, scary, bitter! But in this bitterness there is also sweetness, my dear ones in the Lord, beloved and dear children, in your burden there is also lightness, in grief and sorrow - joy and consolation. This is where it is consolation, joy, lightness and sweetness. Vasya, with all his good external qualities, was good and to his liking, as they say, not yet spoiled boy. Therefore, the flower is fresh, unfading, fragrant, blooming, beautiful. And what does the gardener do when a rare, expensive flower blooms in his garden, due to the onset of cold weather, damp, rotten? Doesn't he take this delicate flower and transplant it into a warm, light greenhouse so that its flower does not completely fade? This is exactly what the Great Gardener - the Lord - did with a sweet, good flower Vassenka. He knew, omniscient, that this young flower lay ahead of adversity, bad weather, storms and whirlwinds, thunders and lightnings, rains and showers, rotten autumn ... severe, cold, frosty winter. The flower will fade, fade ... die forever. “No,” said the great Gardener, the Wise Lord, “I will not let My young flower fade, autumn will not touch him with its rottenness, winter will not kill him with her coldness, storms and whirlwinds will not carry him away ... No, I will take him, tear him out of this sinful earth, I will transplant it into my heavenly greenhouse, where there are no bad weather, no storms, no whirlwinds, no damp autumn, no cold winter, where the sun forever shines - Christ Himself, where the eternal spring, the eternal Easter, the eternal Christ is Risen. " And speech, and was.
Svsmch. Seraphim (Zvezdinsky), bishop Dmitrovsky (1883 - c. 1937).
Archimandrite John (Krestyankin) (1910-2006).
Image You know how many mothers pray and ask that their children live with God! "I don't know what you are going to do, my God," these women say, "I want my child to be saved, to be with you." However, if God sees that the child is going astray, that he is heading for destruction and there is no other way to save him, He takes him to Himself by unexpected death. For example, He lets a drunk driver run over a child and thus takes him to Himself. If there was an opportunity for a child to become better, then God would prevent an accident from happening. Then the hops disappear from the head and from the one who knocked the child down. A person comes to his senses and his conscience torments his whole subsequent life. “I have committed a crime,” says such a person and constantly asks God to forgive him. In this way, this person is also saved. And the mother of the deceased child, suffering from mental pain, begins to live more collected, thinks about death and prepares for another life. So she is saved. Do you see how God arranges for the prayers of a mother so that human souls are saved?
Elder Paisiy Svyatorets (1924-1994).
I am 51 years old. I do not work because lost her job 9 months ago due to age and could no longer find a job. married. Good husband... I had a son from my first marriage who died 3 months ago. This is my only child. The son was a drug addict with 14 years of experience. As a college student, handsome. Well-dressed, well-to-do, he was addicted to drugs. All 14 years I tried to save him, sent him abroad, treated him in hospitals and with psychics, but drugs turned out to be stronger than all this. For the last 2 years he quit his job, dragged everything he could from home, drank, was rude. I was torn between him, my husband and work. And sometimes it seemed that it would be better if it all ended. 10/11/12 after a month in the hospital, he died. And it seems to me that I died with him. The long-awaited relief did not come. A feeling of guilt came for not saving me. did not save. I do not want and cannot do anything, I am ready to sit in his room all day, look at photographs and cry. Help me so I have heart problems, and I also have elderly parents, whom I have no one to leave, and I feel sorry for my husband, at first he endured my son for 7 years, and now me.
Svetlana, it is always insanely difficult to worry about your child. Whatever it is, it is a part of you. Something was cut off from you, and for a living. And this wound does not heal easily. Very little time has passed since the incident and you cannot cope with yourself yet. You did the right thing by going to psychologists.
Svetlana, we all come to this land with some kind of mission. And not all of them are positive. But since a person was born, it means he is needed here. And it is needed until he fulfills his program. His punishment will be life or not, at the moment of birth we do not know this.
When a person leaves this world, it means that his mission has been accomplished here. He executed the program and is now free. Free from worries, from problems, from diseases, from pain, from torment, etc. He's free! Is it bad? Your son is no longer sick, he has no breakdowns and dependence. The only thing he sees is how you suffer. But do you want this? Suffering for the one who has gone to another world is like selfishness. We feel bad without this person, but is it bad for him there? We think of ourselves first of all: we will not see him again, we will not hear him again, etc. And about him: how easy is it for him there without a sick, punctured, poisoned and drug-eaten body?
For your part, Svetlana, you did everything you could do for him. You acted like a good mother. But, apparently, his term has come. We have no control over everything, we are not gods.
Your life, Svetlana, continues. So you are needed here. Needed by their family and friends. The son also needs to look after his grave. You are very much needed here alive.
But this does not mean that you will forget your son in this way. He lives in your heart. He is always with you.
Best regards, SA
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