The whole truth about civil marriage
The attitude towards civil marriage in society is still ambiguous. Many people have a very negative attitude to this type of cohabitation between a man and a woman, and mostly these are people of the "old school". Also, women who want to get married at any cost belong to the same category, so they will never live with a man until a wedding ring flaunts on their finger, and a marriage certificate is found in their hands.
But where is the truth and who is right in this situation?
A civil marriage is the same ordinary union of two loving, and perhaps not loving each other, people living together under one roof, having a common life and some kind of interpersonal relationship. The difference between officially concluded and civil marriage is only in the absence of a stamp in the passport.
If you think carefully, you can highlight a number of pros and cons of relationships in a civil marriage.
Minuses:
- possible misunderstanding and disapproval from older relatives and neighbors who have different moral principles and family traditions, different from those that allow you to live in a civil marriage without official registration;
Having lived for some time with a man in a civil marriage, you may run away, making a unilateral or mutual decision about your incompatibility;
It is easier for a man to leave or change to a woman if they are not bound by official relations;
If a civil marriage lasts more than two years, then the probability of the appointment of a "wedding date" decreases after this period every year.
Pros:
- if after some time living together with a man in a civil marriage you still run away, then this is more a plus than a minus. Reasoningly, we come to the conclusion - it means not destiny. Moreover, whatever is being done is all for the best;
In addition, if you do not have a relationship in a civil marriage, then the wedding would not change anything and everything would be exactly the same. Only now you will not need to waste your nerves and time on the preparation of divorce documents, which sometimes drags on for quite a long time. And the cherished page in the passport will remain clean, without unnecessary stamps of fate and registry office;
Having lived with a person under the same roof for some time, you will enter into official relations with even greater desire and confidence, and before the wedding you will not be tormented by doubts “what if it doesn’t grow together?”;
In a civil marriage, in contrast to the usual romantic meetings of two lovers, not burdened with common issues of residence, all financial issues are resolved jointly. It is very important for a woman to find out how a man treats money even before marriage. Will you make such decisions jointly or does the man reject the presence of a woman when distributing money? And everyone is free to decide for himself whether he likes it or not.
Summing up all of the above, I would like to note that ardent opponents of civil marriage should still change their categorical opinion towards it, because only after living together for some time, people can get to know each other better. Civil marriage gives a certain freedom and ease in relationships. And if it turns out that people are not suitable for each other, well, everyone will only benefit from this and the percentage of thoughtless weddings and, as a result, there will be much less divorces in our country.
When I met Nina, she told for a long time about herself and her husband how they moved to a new country together and were actively traveling. After some time, I met Alexei, who had also recently arrived. When asked with whom he came, he replied that he was alone. A few days later, I met with Nina and Lesha in the same company - they were together. As it turned out, Aleksey was the very “husband” of Nina, whom he did not consider not only his wife, but even his girlfriend.
As it turned out later, the guys lived together for more than six years. Alexey did not take this relationship seriously, but for Nina he was a husband. Unfortunately, this is not an isolated story, but now rather the norm when people live together for years. At the same time, the girls are sure that they have already started a family, and the men simply do what is convenient for them, completely unwilling to take responsibility for the one next to them. There is even statistics according to which 70% of men living in a civil marriage consider themselves single, and 90% of women in this situation consider themselves married.
In my opinion, when a woman agrees to live in a civil marriage, she voluntarily agrees that the man does not take responsibility. Men and women are arranged in such a way that over time, in any relationship, a woman's attachment remains, and sometimes even increases, while men, on the contrary, weakens. Thus, in a civil marriage, a man becomes more and more free, and a woman becomes more and more attached to a loved one.
Again, the psyche of men has such a feature - they will never change something if it already works. If there is already a woman nearby who is waiting at home, cooking, cleaning, and so on, why do you need to change this? Add to this the excellent conditions for the retreat of the strongest of the pair. I packed my things and left, and no problems with the division of property or alimony.
It's like if you were first given, say, a car, you have been driving it for ten years, and then you came and asked to pay for it as if it were new. Would you pay?
It is not the first year that we have been talking with one friend of mine on the topic: “why does he still not marry his chosen one,” with whom they have been living for about four years. And every time, he makes the same argument: “ as soon as we get married our relationship will deteriorate". In men, the concepts of "spoil" and "change" are very closely related. Those. it is necessary to change only if it has deteriorated, if I change it, it means it has deteriorated. On this score, by the way, there are also statistics.
“Every third man registers a marriage, yielding to the wishes of his chosen one, every fourth man marries according to tradition, and only every tenth - for love.
Some men are so afraid of the notorious formalization of relations that it seems that for them it is like signing up to their own execution. Why?
Men need a sense of freedom so they feel much better in cohabitation. But this is not the only reason. Psychology explains this fact very simply: infantilism and, as a result, lack of responsibility. To marry - to vouch that he is ready to take a woman completely, along with all her tantrums, whims and shortcomings, and for this you need to be a mature person.
And for clarity, let's look at the points. The fact that the relationship of two people is a partnership, I think, no one will argue. If so, then the benefit from such a relationship should be mutual. I tried to spell out the pros and cons of a civil marriage, compared to a "single" life for men and women. I would be grateful for any additions, criticism and comments!
PROS
For men:
- Regular sex
- Beloved is always there
- Improvement of living conditions (a woman cooks, washes, cleans, etc.)
- Freedom and the ability to easily end the relationship
For women:
No pluses identified. And yes, I foresee the arguments of the girls already living in a "civil marriage". But all you can add to this paragraph are arguments for your low self-esteem, nothing more. Do not agree - write, maybe I will reconsider my opinion.
On this score, a very recent history from practice (history is published with her permission). A young lady approached me with an incredibly firm conviction that no one else needed her. She is 32 years old and has lived in a civil marriage for over 6 years. And when she began to hint at the design of the relationship, she was popularly explained that this was never included in the plans and is not included. They broke up, and a few months later the man married his new acquaintance. The already low self-esteem of my client went into a deep minus.
MINUSES
For men:
Monogamous relationship? That's all I could think of. Most likely, there are no real minuses, because we still proceed from the situation that people did not just decide to live together, but love each other.
For women:
- Increase in household duties. Regular cooking, cleaning and other "happiness" come into a woman's life. What is alone, we usually do very, very rarely.
- Social insecurity (girl, who are you exactly?).
- Moral insecurity. Yes, we perfectly understand that it is much easier for a man to break off relations with this type of "marriage". And, consciously or not, a woman all the time lives in a situation of uncertainty, which in no way can have a positive effect on her psychological comfort. Some men at trainings shared that after marriage, even sex became better. And this is not surprising. Uncertainty gives rise to nervousness in a woman, which cannot be overlooked.
Low self-esteem. Women are trying to find a reason in everything and the fact that you have been together so much, and the "demo version of marriage" will not end in any way, does not increase self-confidence. Our heroine from time to time will scroll inside: "what is wrong", "what else do I need to change in myself", "how much you can look closely." The bottom line is clear.
But what about:
- you need to check the relationship(people have been married for 10-20 years and still the relationship ends)
- you need to understand are we compatible in everyday life(and what about love?)
- our love is only ours, what does the state have to do with it(then why move in at all?)?
- first you need to stand firmly on your feet, and only then get married (I wonder how formalizing a relationship can affect a man's career?)
- want gorgeous wedding, you need to save (I bet most girls will choose to register without a wedding, if you put such conditions on her)
- why are these conventions(cohabitation is a convention, really useless).
- I don't care whether there is a stamp in the passport or not (then you can just make your beloved nice and put it in your passport).
- let's get to know each other better(after marriage, we'll find out what's the difference?)
These and many other excuses are just a way for women to justify their low self-esteem, and for men to involve her in the most beneficial form of relationship for themselves. And finally, some more statistics:
” only 20% of civil marriages become official ones.
Mark from 01.2018
It has been a long time since this article was written. The experience of my own and my clients has appeared. Much has changed in the understanding of the issue of civil marriage. I now disagree with many things in the text. I regularly write articles on this topic on my instagram.
If you are tormented by the realization that your name is not married, I am ready to help you. There are two ways for you: to separate or marry this person. Come to me for a free consultation and find out which path is yours.
What other mistakes do women most often make in relationships?
The attitude towards civil marriage in society is still ambiguous. Many people have a very negative attitude towards this type of cohabitation between a man and a woman, and these are mostly people of the "old school". Also, women who want to get married at any cost belong to the same category, so they will never live with a man until a wedding ring flaunts on their finger, and a marriage certificate is found in their hands.But where is the truth and who is right in this situation?
Civil marriage is the same ordinary union of two loving, and possibly not loving each other, people living together under one roof, having a common life and some interpersonal relationships. The difference between officially concluded and civil marriage is only in the absence of a stamp in the passport.
If you think carefully, you can highlight a number of pros and cons of relationships in a civil marriage.
Minuses:
- possible misunderstanding and disapproval from older relatives and neighbors who have different moral principles and family traditions, different from those that allow you to live in a civil marriage without official registration;
- having lived for some time with a man in a civil marriage, you may run away by making a unilateral or mutual decision about your incompatibility;
– it is easier for a man to leave or change a woman if they are not bound by official relations;
- if a civil marriage lasts more than two years, then the probability of the appointment of a "wedding date" decreases after this period every year.
Pros:
- if after some time living together with a man in a civil marriage you still run away, then this is more a plus than a minus. Reasoning reasoning, we come to the conclusion - it means not destiny. Moreover, whatever is being done is all for the best;
- in addition, if you did not have a relationship in a civil marriage, then the wedding would not change anything and everything would be exactly the same. Only now you will not need to waste your nerves and time on the preparation of divorce documents, which sometimes drags on for quite a long time. And the cherished page in the passport will remain clean, without unnecessary stamps of fate and registry office;
- having lived with a person under the same roof for some time, you will enter into official relations with even greater desire and confidence, and before the wedding you will not be tormented by doubts “what if it doesn’t grow together?”;
- in a civil marriage, in contrast to the usual romantic meetings of two lovers, not burdened with general issues of residence, all financial issues are resolved together... It is very important for a woman to find out how a man treats money even before marriage. Will you make such decisions jointly or does the man reject the presence of a woman when distributing money? And everyone is free to decide for himself whether he likes it or not.
Summing up all of the above, I would like to note that ardent opponents of civil marriage should still change their categorical opinion towards it, because only after living together for some time, people can get to know each other better. Civil marriage gives a certain freedom and ease in relationships. And if it turns out that people are not suitable for each other, well, everyone will only benefit from this and the percentage of thoughtless weddings and, as a result, there will be much less divorces in our country.
In our time, the possibility of a trial or, as we used to say, "civil marriage" almost no longer surprises anyone. Some say that such a relationship helps to check feelings, compatibility, and prepare well for such a responsible step as creating a family. Others consider relationships outside of official marriage an empty undertaking, comparing (let's call a spade a spade) roommates with people trying to learn to swim while lying on the shore.
We bring to your attention an interview on this topic with Elena Arkhipova, a psychologist, as well as a sexologist and author of books on family relationships.
- Elena, how do you feel about "civil marriage"?
In my opinion, "civil marriage" is initially doomed to failure, because people with different expectations agree to it: she - in the hope that the relationship will end in legal marriage, and he - in the hope that he will find another. As long as the man is satisfied with the "suitable option", such a relationship "lives". But everything will be destroyed as soon as he finds the one he dreamed of.
If a man loves a woman, if he is sure that he has found that one, his own, then he will sacrifice freedom and will do everything to take his beloved to the registry office as soon as possible and formalize the relationship.
- But is there really no place for love in such a relationship?
Most men who offer cohabitation refer to sex as an expression of love when speaking of love. For the sake of sexual relations with a woman, a man is ready to speak beautiful words, make promises. Dear women, do not be deceived!
A man who loves will not allow his woman to be in such a humiliating position. After all, no matter what they say, unregistered relations are not very accepted by our culture.
Perhaps you know about such a wonderful wedding tradition, when a father leads his daughter down the aisle and "hands over" her to her future husband, as if saying to him: "Until this moment I took care of her, now you will start doing it." A loving man will be ready to do everything for the happiness and peace of his beloved, will take care of her, will ensure her future.
If a man is not ready to take on such responsibility, but only wants to “use” the woman, he offers her cohabitation. And such relationships do not go unnoticed, they leave wounds. The pain that a woman experiences during a breakup is comparable in strength to the pain that you feel when a loved one dies. The abandoned "common-law wife" then goes through many painful experiences: this is denial of what happened, and anger, and resentment, and depression. Moreover, this serious, heartbreaking awareness of loss affects relationships with other men. It affects self-esteem, feelings and generally leads to the thought: "Can I love again?"
How to be a woman when a loved one offers to live a little "civil marriage"? Refuse? What if she loses him with her “no”?
In such cases, I would advise the woman to say no unambiguously. If you are required to do something that destroys your inner values, you do not need to make such a sacrifice. Run from someone who offers this, this is not your person!
Elena, as far as I know, you are a believer. The Church does not approve of intimate relationships outside of marriage. For what reasons, besides the above, do Christians have such a negative attitude towards cohabitation?
Problems in life are, as a rule, the result, first of all, of a person's spiritual mistakes. The Bible calls the intimate relationship between a man and a woman outside of marriage as fornication. Such a relationship is a sin that will later have to be paid for. Therefore, it is unacceptable for a Christian to agree to cohabitation.
God has better plans for you. In due time, your man will find you, he will be the best, loving, and he will offer you a hand and a heart. Then you will begin to remember with warmth how it all began and tell your children about it.
But if you decide to start a family with cohabitation, then remember that the shame and pain of such a relationship will go through your whole life. There is a well-known saying: "Take care of your clothes again, but take care of honor from a young age." What we lay at the beginning of building our family, the "baggage" with which we come down the aisle, will influence our entire future life.
Interviewed by Yulia Sinitsyna,
interview taken from the TV show "It is accepted to consider", TBN-Russia
COMMENTARY "CHRISTIAN NEWSPAPER"
As the saying goes, "the forbidden fruit is sweet." Often, hearing a tempting but still alarming offer, many are unable to see its consequences. Agreeing, people attach importance to its attractiveness, "sweet taste", but the illegality of such a proposal is in the background. God knows the price of sin, knows that no matter how beautiful sin may seem, it remains a sin and brings with it destruction, pain, resentment, fear, hatred ...
From the point of view of the Bible, "civil marriage" is precisely prodigal cohabitation, it is a sin. Therefore, any minister of the church, if you turn to him for advice, will try to dissuade you from agreeing to a life in a "civil marriage." A church minister is a practitioner, he very often has to communicate with people who have faced the negative consequences of such a lifestyle.
God hates sin because sins bring curses (bad consequences) into a person's life. Therefore, the Lord left for us in His Word restrictions, laws, commandments, admonitions. For example: “Marriage is honorable for all and the bed undefiled; but fornicators and adulterers God will judge ”(Heb. 13: 4); “But, [in order to avoid] fornication, each one should have his own wife, and each one should have her own husband” (1 Cor. 7: 2); “For the will of God is your sanctification, that you abstain from fornication; that each of you know how to keep his vessel in holiness and honor, and not in the passion of lust, like the Gentiles who do not know God; so that you do not behave unlawfully and selfishly with your brother in anything: for the Lord is the avenger for all this, as we have told you and testified before ”(1 Thess. 4: 3-6).
It is better to bypass the "forbidden fruit", no matter how tasty it may seem. The Bible states: “Blessed is the man who endures temptation, because, having been tested, he will receive the crown of life, which the Lord promised to those who love Him” (James 1:12).
Remember that every decision we make has certain consequences. And how many wonderful promises (God's promises) belong to the one who builds his life, his relationship, remembering that God is looking at him. He who listens to eternal truths and tries to act according to the will of God has great blessings: “But, as it is written:“ I did not see that eye, did not hear the ear, and that did not come into the heart of man that God had prepared for those who loved Him ”(1 Cor. .2: 9); “Your wife is like a fruitful vine in your house; your sons are like branches of olive around your meal: so be blessed is the man who fears the Lord! " (Ps. 127: 3-4).
ADVANTAGES OF OFFICIAL MARRIAGE
On the one hand, "civil marriage" does not require any obligations, and on the other hand, it does not provide any rights. For those who are in an official (registered) marriage, the state provides certain rights and benefits. For example, just a few of them:
Registration (registration) (only an official spouse or spouse can be registered without difficulties);
Immigration advantages (in Russia, a foreigner married to a Russian citizen can obtain citizenship not five years after receiving a residence permit, but three years later.
At the same time, for three years a foreigner who is officially married to a Russian citizen is obliged to stay in Russia for only a year out of three);
Inheritance rights (if people are recognized as legal husband and wife, then they become heirs in the first place, unless a will is drawn up with other orders);
The right to use joint property (if the marriage is officially registered, starting from the moment of registration, everything that the husband and wife earned is their joint property.
dissolution of marriage or at the request of the creditor, in one case out of three, this property is divided in half between husband and wife);
The right to conclude a marriage contract (in such a contract, the fifty-fifty principle can be waived);
Today, even in a hospital ward, only his / her official wife / husband (and not cohabitants) are allowed to see a patient.
Materials prepared by Yulia SAMARSKAYA
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To be precise, from a legal point of view, a civil marriage is a marriage officially registered by the state. When a man and a woman live together without formalizing their relationship, this is cohabitation. But not everyone knows about this and mistakenly call unregistered relations "civil marriage".
"Civil marriage" is a non-binding relationship. There is such a concept - "guest marriage". Lovers go to visit each other, satisfy a need, most often physiological. They have fun, good, comfortable with each other. "Civil marriage" is the same as "guest marriage", but there is still cohabitation, common life.
"Civil marriage" is very convenient, because now most of all people think about conveniences. But the comforts of a civil marriage are deceiving. After all, living together is a huge mental cost. A woman in a civil marriage does not feel support in a man, she is anxious. She begins to notice that the man does not make decisions. He constantly shirks responsibility. A woman gets tired of being a leader.
As a result, they part and the search for a new "partner" begins. We'll have to study the next person again. He may have a lot of his own shortcomings, with which he will need to put up, find common ground. But we do not live for millennia. We have a short period of time: 60, 80, 100 years. It is not enough! Here we have lived in a "civil marriage" for seven years. So what? Throw seven years in a landfill? We were offended, we forgave, we made peace, wasted our mental strength, and then take it all and completely devalue it.
For a real family to emerge, a couple must realize important family values: what is a family? where are we going together? how are we building this family together? The most important thing is to understand what we are doing in order to make the family happy. In a civil marriage, such tasks are not set, because people do not want responsibility. They say: "Let's live with each other, let's check it out," they don't say, "You and I have a family." Everyone has a bell in their heads: "I can just leave." "Civil marriage" is always doomed.
Statistics show that people who have been in a civil relationship get divorced especially often. Nowadays, few people start a family after chaste meetings. For girls, it doesn't matter if the man was chaste before. For a man, it doesn't matter either. When you ask him: "Do you really care if she was with someone before marriage?", He replies: "Yes, it does not matter." The glaring fact that the man did not care! Why? Because it is convenient for him. This removes responsibility from him. “You've already lived in a civil marriage,” he tells her. - You can live with me the same way. Why should you captivate yourself? "
Nevertheless, to enter or not to enter into an intimate relationship is a matter of our free choice. For example, I know a very sociable, modern, beautiful girl. Inside, she is a very pure person, with a solid system of values. She was dating a young man. After three months, he began to force the situation: "Let's test each other's feelings." She conducted explanatory conversations with him, explained her position. In response, he began to insult her, say: "You do not love me" and persuade that now everyone lives like this. Of course, they had to part. She respects herself, has a sense of dignity and will not compromise her beliefs. I am sure that she will meet a man who will appreciate her.
The woman has now completely devalued herself, her purity, her wealth. Men already look at women differently. They say to me: “It's good that you reason like that, everything is on your shelves, but if I am so selective, I will be left alone.”
Here the girls contradict themselves: they do not want a bad husband and do not want to be left alone. And then you choose: either to attack to be alone, or to be married to the abyss. You're preparing yourself to fail these family exams. They will do that to you. As a result, you ask yourself the question: "Why does he not respect me and does not value me?"
- Should marriage be a joint decision, or should a man accept it?
He should at least talk it over. A woman can lead him to this. She is the neck, the man is the head. Their strength lies in the fact that they can do everything together. But the woman is delicate. She will arrange everything so that the man will understand that the decision has been made by him. And let him think so. I cannot call for guile or lies. It's just that a woman should be wise in some things. I saw such families when a woman says: "As you say, it will be, as you want, I will do it." She shows him that he makes a decision, and everything depends on him.
- Why is a civil marriage doomed?
In these relationships, people are fed up with each other. How long can a man and a woman be together? It is in human nature that where there are two, a third should appear. They have to reproduce something. But most often there are no children in a civil marriage. These relationships are emasculated, lacking fulfillment. Empty vessel. Beautiful but empty.
Therefore, a civil marriage is essentially not a marriage. This is not a family! Because a family is a system that includes several functions. One of them is reproductive. This is the reproduction of oneself. This is a creative process. Every creative person gives birth to something. People in a civil marriage do not give birth to anything.
This isolation on each other cannot last long. We are satisfied with everything. Therefore, we begin to mark time. Ultimately, we get bored with being together. Strife and dissatisfaction begin on someone's side. There is a desire to disperse, to find another.
But it is not known whether you will have something if you do not understand what a family is. Chances are, in other ways, you will only wish you had fun. If people do not give birth to anything, they diverge.
- And if children are born in a civil marriage, does he have a chance to survive?
These are very sad cases. If they appear, then, as a rule, someone does not want a child. Mostly a man. Because if he wanted to start a family, he would have entered into marriage with this woman.
A recent case. The couple lived together for about 7 years, without being signed, the woman did not insist on this. During their joint residence, a girl was born. She is now 5 years old. The husband fell in love with his daughter, but said that he did not want a child, that his friend had deceived him. “My wife wanted to tie me up,” he said. He called her "wife". Here is such rubbish in people's heads! Call a spade a spade. If she is your wife, then she must have children from you. You have become one!
The other day my son calls me and says that his father (my husband) has a sore arm. I tell him: “Ask him which hand hurts. Right? " My own arm ached. I think why. The son asks her husband and answers me: "Yes, right." I'm just talking about the fact that people in marriage are connected physically. They think this is nonsense, but in fact there was a complete plexus. On some metaphysical level, they are already together.
Coming back to this case. The man believed that he was deceived. You see, he lived all the years with the idea that his wife gave birth without his consent. He accumulated this resentment in himself, his rejection of his wife. And then he became split, because he cannot stay with her because of the accumulated claims, but he cannot live without her, because there is a child whom he loves. Here a man fell into the trap of his own misunderstanding and attitude towards family issues.
- You have a rich experience of communication with couples, families. Is there really not a single example of a long, happy civil marriage, when there is a child and everything is good and stable?
No. No ... no ...
A couple of years ago there was a couple for a consultation. A woman came who was tormented by uncertainty. Then she brought her common-law husband. She was in her second marriage. Her first marriage was unsuccessful, but registered. He also had a family in the past. They lived for about 7 years, and they could not determine their marital status in any way. The woman was already worn out. When they came together for a consultation, we concluded that they were more united by cravings on a physical level. And they got their homework: not have physical intimacy for several months. I tell them: “Please. You say you love each other! If you have only physical attraction, then this is unlikely to reflect the fullness of love. What's stopping you from just chatting? And check the depth of feelings. " In general, they passed this test. It has already been two years since our last consultation. They reconsidered their mistakes, found out why they lived in such stress, and calmed down. They registered and got married.
Civil marriage is essentially a distorted form of the family. Perhaps a person will reconsider his position regarding marriage, everything will fall into place. I know many such women and men who, as a result of rash steps, understood that civil relations are deceptive, are a surrogate for traditional marriage, drew the right conclusions, built clear guidelines for future steps in creating a family.
Without such awareness, after a civil marriage, an official marriage with the same person will not last long. Why? If earlier people avoided sharp corners due to the temporality of relationships, with the emergence of new roles and functional responsibilities the bar of requirements rises. This is what surprises me. Well, we lived before. And continue to live in peace, harmony and love. What prevents you from being the same flawless? What's changing? Apparently, indeed, for some there is some kind of magical power in this seal.
It is impossible to say that civil relations are some kind of whim and whim. You just need to feel sorry for these people. Most likely, this is the imprint of parental problems, whose children were not ready to create a strong family. It evokes sympathy. In general, you cannot put a stigma on a person. It cannot be said that today's youth are depraved and bad. No, it’s not like that. These are our parental mistakes.