Comic horoscopes They lift your spirits, but they also contain some truth. Find out what life principles are characteristic of your Zodiac Sign. Among the funny offers you can find useful information and change for the better.
Horoscopes, no matter how humorous they are, are based on the observations of astrologers. It is known that planets and constellations influence the character and behavior of people, which means that the jokes are not so far from the truth. The site team has compiled a funny horoscope for you, in which the characteristics of each Zodiac Sign fit into short and succinct expressions. We hope that they will help you not only lift your spirits, but also get rid of your weaknesses.
Aries
Aries can characterize themselves. Capacious phrases fully reflect their contradictory and purposeful essence.
- There's no use arguing with me. You can't convince me.
- I will do it first, and then I will think.
- I don’t slow down where everyone else is slowing down.
- I will remain young forever, because becoming an adult is boring.
- You can do the same thing as me. You won't be able to do better anyway.
- Please speak quickly. I don't have the patience to listen to you.
- My stubbornness is not a vice, it was simply born before me.
- It is much easier to control any situation than emotions.
- I won’t hit you first, but you better not touch me.
- It's good to be honest - unnecessary people They themselves stop communicating with me.
Taurus
If Taurus could describe themselves in a humorous way, they could use the following phrases.
- I never waste money on buying things, but I always spend money on entertainment.
- I don’t need someone else’s, and don’t you dare touch what’s mine.
- It's better to be bad friends than to have good quarrels.
- It is better to stay in the familiar comfort of four walls than to admire the colors of nature.
- Food is a wonderful invention of mankind.
- It's better to go second to save energy.
- Taste delicious dishes and wine is my passion.
- Be affectionate and then you can achieve more than others.
- There is no need to pull someone who is well settled.
- Disposable things were invented for disposable people.
Twins
Ten succinct phrases that reveal their character and behavior will suit restless Geminis.
- Today I am again different from who I was yesterday.
- Being in control of the situation is useful - you get more information.
- One mind is good, but two are better. Especially if both belong to you.
- Today I'm here, tomorrow I'm there.
- Ideas should not gather dust on shelves with old books.
- If you didn’t make it, it means you’re late. We need to speed up.
- You need to move quickly through life so as not to get bogged down in “textures.”
- I rarely answer for my words, but with humor.
- I don’t have enough time for quality, so I take quantity.
- There should be more means of communication.
Cancer
Cancers will be able to recognize themselves and their behavior patterns by the following interesting phrases, which in a humorous form reflect their style of behavior.
- Life is difficult only where it is impossible to hide in a secluded place.
- Behind stone walls With my fortress I am invulnerable to the cruel world.
- Supplies need to be replenished so that they never run out.
- Being a nanny is great. And it doesn’t matter how old your ward is.
- If you know how to wait, happiness will eventually find you on its own.
- You need to meet friends at home, and not walk around cafes.
- An abundance of food in the refrigerator is real happiness.
- Money should be spent only on quality things.
- My past is always with me. And it doesn’t bother me at all.
- Ten years is not a long time for good quality clothes.
a lion
Proud Leos do not always agree with the characteristics that people around them give them. However, in every joke there is some truth that is worth listening to.
- It is much more pleasant to help people than to find yourself in the role of someone asking for help.
- Follow me, I know the right path.
- Good manners are the key to personal success.
- The sun shines exclusively for Leo.
- It's nice to earn good money, but it's much nicer to spend it.
- A dictator sometimes needs to be hidden behind a mask of prudence and benevolence.
- I don’t understand how you can not admire me.
- I need more gold, more pathos and more admiring glances.
- Even if the item is not needed, I should have it. Especially if it is expensive and looks gorgeous.
- The sign on my office door must be immaculate.
Virgo
Virgos sometimes need to look at themselves from the outside in order to change their attitude towards life. Ten humorous phrases will help you with this.
- If you work hard, good things will definitely come of it.
- All things must be in their place.
- Modesty adorns any Virgo.
- Logic should be in everything, even in love.
- Everything should look perfect. No crookedly hanging pictures.
- You need to live not only for yourself, but also to help others.
- Large scales are scary - it’s difficult to bring order to them.
- Beauty will save the world, especially if you create it with your own hands
- There is no need to throw away old things. They can come in handy at the most unexpected moment.
- Less difficulties, more routine.
Scales
For Libra, the following statements may be familiar. Perhaps they will help you doubt less and change your behavior for the better.
- Any task must be done with the appropriate mood.
- You can win by agreeing.
- Making a choice is one of the most difficult and tiring tasks.
- Politeness can move mountains.
- Beauty should be in everything: in the image, in the home, and in the workplace.
- Information is needed like air.
- Laziness is the engine of progress.
- One of the stupidest things to do is argue. It takes up too much energy.
- Doubts sometimes help to avoid troubles.
- Not all i's need to be dotted.
Scorpion
If Scorpios could talk about themselves in succinct short phrases, then the following expressions would suit them.
- You need a good reason to smile.
- It’s a pity that sometimes there is no one to “sting”.
- This world is short of knights.
- I am like a cactus: flowers open only for a select few.
- Revenge should be served cold, but only to those who truly deserve it.
- Even if there is a hurricane inside you, remain calm on the outside.
- The world needs stations to refuel people with emotions.
- You need to go through a break, even through a windfall.
- People are like books: you just have to open them.
- You need to constantly take risks, otherwise there will be nothing to remember in old age.
Sagittarius
Sagittarians could make a presentation of themselves and their character in the following humorous expressions.
- Those who have it feel remorse. Mine doesn't bite.
- There’s no point in panicking ahead of time, I’ll figure it out when the pressure comes.
- The spirit of competition allows you to be better in everything.
- Do you want to cheer yourself up? Ask me how.
- I forgive everyone I owe.
- Argument is another opportunity to show off your intellect.
- I am not obligatory, but I am immensely charming.
- I'm throwing it around for free and professionally.
- I know how to become a philosopher in five minutes.
- Commitments save more than one life.
Capricorn
For Capricorns, whom people may not understand, the site’s experts have selected the following funny sayings. We hope that they will help lift your spirits and smile more often.
- Even one in the field can be a warrior.
- The laws of meanness work for me.
- I'm like cognac: I only get better with age.
- It's good to talk about beautiful places and countries while sitting at home.
- Financial Advisor. Long, expensive, with a guarantee.
- You can allow yourself to drop from the top if you have been climbing it all your life.
- Life is a train that stops at its stations exactly according to the schedule.
- If necessary, I can become the head of the Universe
- There is no place for sprints in my life. I am a true marathon runner.
- You can gore anyone with stubbornness.
Aquarius
Ten sentences characterizing Gemini may seem naive, but for many representatives of this Sign they can be useful.
- There is no greater boredom than being like others.
- I come up with ideals myself.
- Living with prejudices is for fools.
- Everything will be great in the future.
- Be an angel? Why not?
- Sometimes a good intention is enough. It is not necessary to do this.
- Family is great, but friends are more important.
- There are no lonely thoughts in my head. They make friends and create chaos.
- I can be in several places at once, because there must be many good people.
- Life should have stops, not quiet havens.
Fish
Pisces, with their world of illusions and reluctance to explain their behavior, can use the following pithy phrases.
- My profession is to sympathize professionally.
- There is no need to put off until tomorrow what can be done the day after tomorrow.
- I can promise. I love it, I can do it, I practice it. But I won’t rush to do it.
- I understand everyone, but not myself.
- Don't put pressure on me, otherwise I will disappear.
- Yes, I am busy, but few can understand.
- We need more handkerchiefs and vest people.
- Food needs to be chewed, work needs to be done.
- Maintaining order in the house - who needs it?
- The world of illusions and fantasies is beautiful. There is no need to leave him for a long time.
A comic horoscope can reflect your internal state. In any case, you shouldn’t ignore even funny statements about your Sign. Be careful in your actions and desires so that there is no room for disappointment in your life. Attract good luck into your life and be happy. We wish you all the best, and don't forget to press the buttons and
Funny horoscope 3.50 /5 (4 votes)
Aries is an emotional bastard.
If he is passionate about something, he does not bother to explain his actions to others, he simply acts as he sees fit. Pride does not allow asking for forgiveness. I am convinced that the truth is in him.
Excuses: “Something came up”, “Damn confused me” etc.
Taurus is a greedy bastard.
We are obsessed with the idea of purchasing. A purposeful avenger, he always calculates the trajectory of the strike to be sure.
Excuses: "You are worthy of such a fate".
Geminis are a careless bastard.
Loves games, jokes, fun companies. The eternal dichotomy of evil and good. For the sake of a joke, he devalues rules and traditions, depriving them of drama, sincerely not understanding what he is doing and quickly forgets about it.
Excuses: “Are you offended? WHY?"
Cancer is a miserable bastard.
Because of his vulnerability, vulnerability, receptivity, he is always an “angel-like creature” who innocently suffered, while his opponent is a monster in “devilish guise”, even if Cancer himself is a champion in nastiness and dirty tricks. He will also make sure that the whole world knows how unfairly you treated him.
Excuses: “It’s your fault that I’m like this!”
Leo is a pompous bastard.
Well, everything is clear here, the crown is pressing, the greatness of the world is being distorted. Everything is divided into “He” and “the rest.” He is great, others are dust underfoot.
Excuses: “I wanted it that way.”
Virgo is a vindictive bastard.
In the eternal pursuit of perfection, impeccability and correctness, he paints his portrait of “God in the flesh on earth”, such a walking messiah, and don’t let you be careless in speaking unsatisfactorily and unfavorably about her. He may wait long and hard for the right chance to remember.
Excuses: Triumphantly "Do you remember …"
Libra is a mercantile bastard.
Windy and changeable. Great virtuosos get out of sticky situations. A real politician, pursuing his own interests, will promise, lie, or slander if necessary.
Excuses: none. Nacoyotil and disappeared.
Scorpio is a first-class bastard.
Those who like to create a veil of mystery around themselves such that they themselves become entangled in it, plus an unquenchable thirst for the ideal clouds their mind, forcing them to position themselves as an instrument of justice and retribution. If, from their point of view, you have violated some rules, you must be punished.
Excuses: none.
Sagittarius is a cantankerous bastard.
A very complex creature, eager to prove himself in the field of social activity and, quite successfully, in this matter. Tram squabbles, market squabbles, all kinds of quarrels and conflicts in which you can relieve your soul - this is his element.
Excuses: raised tone, meaningless text, obscene language.
Capricorn is a clueless bastard.
Just as an ostrich hides its head in the sand, believing that there is no danger, so a capricorn, with its horns resting “in anywhere”, does not want to see, feel and make decisions. Moreover, he firmly believes that if he persists in this way, the problem will resolve itself, and even according to his scenario, and when he sees the ashes around him, he will be stupidly surprised: “How did this happen?”
Excuses: "It happened".
Nowadays it is hardly possible to find a person who has not read horoscopes. But in our age of science, not everyone trusts astrology, although in many ways it turns out to be accurate. But the funny characteristics of the zodiac signs may well interest even the most hardened skeptics. While reading humorous horoscopes you can pass the time, have fun in the company and even learn the basics of astrology. A light humorous form, aptly emphasizing the main qualities of each sign, is quite helpful in this interesting matter.
Aries
All the cool characteristics of the zodiac signs agree on one thing: you won’t be able to find a more stubborn debater than this capricious and stubborn lamb.
Aries hates everyday routine, but he will be happy to hang around and give out his innovative ideas incessantly. It's almost impossible to force him to do something he doesn't want to do. But there is one little trick. Say that the other person will do it better. At this point, Aries will smash itself into pieces to prove its leadership and superiority.
The fiery nature of Aries is marked by the funny characteristics of the zodiac signs. In terms of the time that this person is willing to spend on conquering the object of his passion, he has no equal. A ram, he is also a ram in Africa, going straight through the jungle. Aries in this matter can even be called a rocket - he acts instantly, assertively, and it is simply unrealistic to get rid of his advances. “You are attractive, I am damn attractive, so why waste time” - this is his motto in love.
Taurus
Here he is, a worthy competitor to Aries in terms of stubbornness. This will be confirmed to you not only by ordinary horoscopes, but also by any funny characteristics of the zodiac signs. Moreover, to the enviable tenacity comes as a “bonus” fierce conservatism. Try to get a Taurus to throw out some of the outdated household trash and you will understand. Whether it’s a damaged CD, a notebook left over from school, or torn sneakers, it doesn’t matter. For him, all these things are valuable. And Taurus are also terrible bores: listening to their endless teachings, you can not only fall asleep, but also snore.
Representatives of this constellation are closed individuals. It's easier to talk to a wall than to talk to a Taurus. At least you'll hear a hum when you knock on it. In the case of Taurus, the afterlife silence and ringing silence will remain.
Taurus's attitude towards love is the same as towards things - than more money and the time he spent pursuing you, the more valuable you will be to him. And don’t expect originality in courtship - Taurus’s conservatism also extends to amorous matters.
Twins
They are easy in deeds and thoughts. The twins are from that breed of people who will advocate “for any kind of kipish, except for a hunger strike.” As noted by the funny characteristics of the zodiac signs, in terms of date of birth and character, these individuals fully correspond to eccentric individuals who have things running through their heads. the whole company winds.
Gemini's love of chatter is truly catastrophic for those who are not Geminis themselves. They can not stop talking for many hours, completely oblivious to the reactions of others. It seems that even at his own wake, Gemini will rise from the coffin and tell the fainting guests an appropriate joke on the topic.
The laziness of these individuals is as legendary as their conversational skills. Due to the reluctance to delve into a topic and study it for a long time, they superficially describe this or that phenomenon, picking up a little of everything. The ideal profession for them is one that will help them earn a million instantly and without unnecessary movements. Oh yes, Geminis need a lot of money, because they spend it as easily and naturally as they chat on the phone.
Cancer
The natures are intelligent, soft and romantic, even if they look like a stale loaf, a brutal lout or an uncouth hillbilly. When watching non-children's films of an erotic nature, they always secretly hope that in the end the main characters will get married.
A funny characterization of the zodiac signs compares Cancers to their namesakes from the animal world. Like them, representatives of this constellation, if they take a careful step forward, then immediately run back. They are indecisive types who, because of their caution, are afraid to even change - you never know what’s on the other person’s mind.
It is undesirable to joke sparklingly in the presence of Cancer, because these people are sentimental and can get upset even because of light humor directed at them or their loved ones. Satire about animals is a strict taboo. They would rather survive an earthquake and tsunami than endure dark humor about unfortunate dogs and cats. You should also joke about love affairs more carefully and preferably in a romantic way - then Cancer will tell the story that amused him to everyone for a long time.
a lion
The one and only He is proud and majestic, even if he finds himself locked in a zoo cage. The wild cries of nearby animals do not interest him - he is an important person and demonstrates this in every possible way. If we consider the main characteristics of the zodiac signs, the funny description highlights the royalty of this person, whose arrogance, it seems, no trouble can knock down.
What is good for Leo himself is not very fun and pleasant for his loved ones, because he requires treatment worthy of his status. In his opinion, those around him should be glad that His Highness is nearby. The lion's aura is capable of eclipsing everything around with its radiance, painting even a muddy swamp with all the colors of the rainbow.
However, sometimes the whirlpool of events that Leo generates around himself may end up with something completely different from what he would like. What can you do, such is the strength of the royal will. Do you want to recognize a Leo in your environment? Listen to the manner of conversation: the use of the pronoun “I” by this type will exceed all possible limits. Not such a bad quality in our age for a person who wants to make a dizzying career, would you agree?
Virgo
A true proof that appearances can be deceiving are the representatives of this constellation. It would seem that when we hear the word “virgin,” our imagination pictures us of a sweet, fragile and vulnerable creature who sits at home doing needlework. Astrologers who compose the characteristics of the zodiac signs disagree with this idea. The funny irony of fate is that in reality things are “a little” different. Instead of a sensitive friend who supports you during difficult times, a comrade in all your endeavors, Virgo can easily turn out to be... serial killer. Yes, yes, statistics claim that most maniacs were born under this zodiac sign (what else can you expect from such neat and tidy people?).
Virgo can easily use her ability to adapt to the environment and always be an emphatically polite and correct person to achieve the desired goal. Before you even have time to blink an eye, she’s already sitting right hand from the director. But he will never show sympathy to the object of his love until he is convinced of the reciprocity of feelings and prospects. But then, even having received a refusal, he will wait patiently: suddenly something will change.
Scales
Whatever the funny characteristics of the zodiac signs, over the years and months they all precisely determine one thing: this sign fully lives up to its name. Libra people are constantly in search of mental balance, and therefore do not pay any attention to the material world. Let someone else handle the solution everyday problems, be it cooking, washing or cleaning, but Libra has more sublime things to do.
People of this sign are always thrown in different directions. Having quickly caught fire with a new idea, they will throw all available resources into making it happen. They will involve a lot of people and create an event of national scale, but halfway through they will get tired of it all. They will quietly move away, leaving others to clean up the mess they have made.
Libra's inconstancy also extends to love affairs. Moreover, this state is so familiar to them that after betrayal they will not even be tormented by their conscience. They are not at all attempting to destroy the family, but they are having an affair. This means they are worthy of forgiveness.
Scorpion
These are real poisonous infections. Funny characteristics of the zodiac signs in poetry and prose glorify their ability to break the hearts of everyone who comes within sight. We must thank for this the natural charm of Scorpios and their ability to seduce. This sign has the ability to constantly fall in love with someone, and every time “to the grave.” The object of attention will immediately be confronted with this fact. It’s unlikely that you will be able to get away from Scorpio’s original advances, and you won’t even want to - he is a subtle psychologist and will certainly be able to find a path to the heart of his beloved (or lover).
Scorpios are leaders from birth and are smart beyond their years. If a representative of this sign has chosen a goal for himself, then no matter how difficult it is to achieve, he will go towards it with fundamental stubbornness. And even if you have to destroy everything that gets in your way, this will not stop Scorpio. But build new world after the chaos caused, he will be just as enthusiastic.
Sagittarius
People of this zodiac sign always achieve their goals, even if this does not happen right away. A funny description of the zodiac signs advises looking at their symbol: everything will immediately become clear. Only if others get what they want thanks to perseverance and hard work, Sagittarius is helped in this by a fair wind, which directs the fired arrows exactly to the bull's eye.
By nature, Sagittarians are true philanthropists. They are always trying to take pity on everyone and feed the suffering (and it doesn’t matter what the recipients themselves think). Their motto is “who else but me?” Employers take advantage of this. Well, Sagittarius won’t mind if you load him with a lot of work. You just need to hint that it is very important for the company that everything gets done. And how exactly - Sagittarius himself will be able to find a way.
But you shouldn’t openly offend Sagittarius. No, they are not vindictive at all, just evil, and they have an excellent memory. They will remind you of all the misunderstandings starting with kindergarten. And, in general, they will easily speak the truth to your face, at the risk of getting punched in your own face.
Capricorn
This is a pendulum man who always balances between two extremes, as stated by the funny characteristics of the zodiac signs. Children of this sign are characterized by adult seriousness and thoroughness. Capricorn does not part with these qualities even in old age. He throws himself headlong into work, as if into a pool, and it will be simply unrealistic to get him out. He will spend all his soul and physical strength even for a task that is obviously impossible. However, if Capricorn is impatient to go on a spree, then he will devote himself completely to this activity, having uncontrollable fun until complete degradation. It is possible to save him from a sad fate only if he manages to divert attention to something more interesting.
Capricorns are incorrigible pessimists. If he is convinced that everyone around him is a creeping bastard who has come to success over his head or through his bed, then even if he has a stake on his head, he still won’t be convinced.
Aquarius
Verbose spills out of Aquarius like water from a tap. If anyone is able to withstand this flow for a long time and even be an interesting conversationalist, it’s Gemini. Perhaps we can still argue who will talk to whom in the end.
Love for Aquarius is, first of all, romance: walks under the moon, seeing the dawn. Get ready to conquer ancient ruins shrouded in secrets with him - this is an indispensable attribute of courtship for him. According to the cool characteristics of the zodiac signs, such a person has no equal in poetry and serenades. Aquarius women are accustomed to following the dictates of their hearts. If it tells you that you should be together, wait for her on the doorstep with your suitcases.
What do Aquarians value most? Of course, They are ready to build a three-meter wall around themselves, as long as no one touches them, if they want to be alone. And no siege will help - Aquarius has made the necessary supply of cookies and will live for a long time and not bother in his cozy little world.
Fish
If anyone is capable of creating an alternative fictional reality out of nothing for themselves and those around them, it is Pisces. Moreover, for them the fantasy world will be as real as our usual one. They can easily convince anyone of this. Baron Munchausen, for example, according to the characteristics of the zodiac signs, is an inexperienced and timid fry, a faded egg.
Ask this person for anything - to water flowers in your absence, to write a diploma for you - he will certainly hurt himself, but will fulfill the request. He's such an altruist, there's nothing you can do about it. In love, Pisces are shy and cautious; they will beat around the bush for a long time before taking a step forward. “Vanilla” is about them: sad sighs, touching gifts, awkwardness and tears at night, and, most importantly, all thoughts are only about him (or about her). So if you are ready to take the Pisces who is in love with you and lead her by the elbow in the right direction (and then kick her forward for the rest of her life), go for it.
Aries is always pleased with himself, which is reflected on his face. He rarely thinks, says and does the same thing. Usually he does everything wrong, but just dare to tell him about it. Then you will regret that you were born. The stubbornness of Aries is legendary, and not surprisingly, a ram, he is a ram.
If he gets stubborn, you won’t budge him. He always has two opinions on all events and phenomena, one is his, the other is incorrect. Aries says that he is never wrong, and therefore he believes that God was most likely an Aries.
Aries are as stubborn in love as in everything else. And if he seeks someone’s favor, he does it until the object of his passion gets tired of refusing him. And when he achieves the favor of his partner, he himself does not know why he needed it.
During the siege (it lasts a very long time), the object loses its attractiveness for him. Those who fall in love with Aries should only be pitied.
In the family, Aries loves to point things out, but does not want to do anything. And there is no way to move him from such a convenient position for him.
Cheerful horoscope for Taurus
Taurus is very stubborn, in this he is similar to Aries. Only someone who admires Taurus, tells him that he is always right, and, meanwhile, passing off his ideas as the ideas of Taurus, can convince him. Taurus women are very emotional and trusting.
About our love relationships she only speaks in superlatives. And if a man tells her that he can’t live without her, she really believes it.
Taurus men are hoarders and hoarders. They drag into the house everything they can get their hands on: old household appliances, broken furniture, a woman they don’t need. And then they wonder why the house is so crowded and noisy (the noise is from a woman who also cannot understand why she was brought here).
Taurus are very fond of various conflicts and gladly take the most ardent part in them, without being interested in the cause of the conflict. And when they find out the reason for the showdown, they beat themselves in the chest and say: “My, what nonsense they fought over!”
Fun horoscope for Gemini
Geminis are two very similar person in one person. Since they are very similar, this irritates them and they argue all the time. If one says, “I want this woman,” the other will definitely object, “What do you need this slut for?” And as a result, the Gemini man chooses another, and then wonders, “What did I find in her?”
Gemini women are contradictory and fickle in their passions. They change men so often that sometimes they don’t even have time to remember the name of the next partner. And in order not to completely get confused in the names of their counterparts, they call everyone the same “my Hercules,” until the next lover turns out to be a short, skinny man.
He, of course, takes this treatment as ridicule. IN Everyday life Geminis are very indecisive. Can't accept it quickly the right decision, because one Gemini pulls in one direction, the other (out of spite) in the other. And it turns out, as in the immortal work of V.I. Lenin "One step forward, two steps back."
Fun horoscope for Cancer
Cancers are very cowardly and timid. They are constantly afraid that they will be accused of something, so they try to please everyone and make a bunch of impossible promises to everyone. They speak mainly in slogans and stereotypes, so that others do not suspect them of having any ulterior motives.
Crayfish lie without blushing (red crayfish are only boiled) and very inventively. It’s not for nothing that there are so many Cancers among politicians.
In love, Cancers are very careful, meticulously and carefully choosing a partner for themselves, even for life, even for the night. They rummage and sort through, like in the ruins of a second-hand store.
And when friends are surprised by this long search to the beloved (beloved): “Are you choosing a cow?” Cancers thoughtfully answer: “You can sell a cow, but you can suffer with this (this) all your life (night).
At work, Cancers are sycophants and sycophants, their bosses are gods and celestial beings, but if the opportunity arises (and it is safe for Cancer), they will gladly trip up their beloved boss.
Cheerful horoscope for Leo
The lion is in nature the king of beasts. People of the zodiac sign Leo never forget about this. They are arrogant, selfish, always confident in their superiority and do not tolerate the opinions of others. You will be the most best friend Leo, if you constantly flatter him and praise his virtues.
Leos love to hang their portraits on the walls, and the larger the images, the better.
Leo women, like female black widow spiders, if they do not destroy their chosen one immediately after a night of love, then they gnaw at him for the rest of his life, or until the partner has enough patience.
Leo men love only themselves; they are simply not capable of loving anyone else. Therefore, they choose women who know only two words “yes” and “I obey.”
Cheerful horoscope for Virgo
If your zodiac sign is Virgo, then your loved ones and friends are terribly unlucky. You are obsessed with order, scrupulousness and cleanliness. Virgos are extremely neat and methodical. The need to tidy up and clean turns into a passion for them. If you get up from a chair or sofa in Virgo’s apartment, she immediately begins to smooth out the cape and shake off non-existent dust from it.
If Virgo falls into a small car accident, then the first thing she says to the approaching inspector about the second participant in the accident: “It’s no wonder that this teapot got into an accident, look how dirty his car is!”
A mandatory item in Virgo's house is a magnifying glass. With its help, she examines all the furnishings in the house, thus looking for dust particles.
Virgo also strictly plans her love relationships; meetings and sex with her partner occur according to schedule.
Cheerful horoscope for Libra
Libra is languid and graceful and full of incomprehensible mystery and nobility that is not understood by the rest of humanity. They love to dress fashionably and pay close attention to fashion. Their desire to look fashionable is so great that if someone assures them that it is fashionable: Libra women will put on a skirt inside out, and men will wear a shirt instead of trousers and tie it in a knot at the waist.
Libras love to teach everyone and explain everything to everyone. For example, with tenacity worthy best use, they will tell you the difference between coffee latte and coffee with milk. And it is useless to object to them that these are one and the same thing.
In love, Libra is mysterious and unpredictable. Sometimes the chosen one (chosen one) of Libra cannot understand what the Libra partner is trying to say. Either he invites you to an intimate date, or he says goodbye forever.
Cheerful horoscope for Scorpio
Scorpios consider themselves irresistible individuals; they can spend hours looking in the mirror and admiring themselves. They are great inventors and are always full of grandiose plans, but as soon as it comes to putting these plans into practice, they stop at the very first difficulties, saying, “I didn’t really want to.”
Scorpios are very loving and indecently sexual. They are proud of their love victories and talk about it on every corner. There’s just one small nuance: Scorpio men like those women, looking at whom other men say: “No, I can’t drink that much vodka,” and Scorpio women choose for themselves such chosen ones, about whom you can say that they just got off the hook yesterday. trees or crawled onto land.
Cheerful horoscope for Sagittarius
Sagittarians are such adventurers that being around them is simply dangerous. They may invite you to jump with a parachute, assuring you that they have done it a hundred times and will even offer to fold your parachute. Never agree, otherwise their satisfied face will be the last thing you see in your life.
Don’t even think about introducing your chosen one, if it’s a Sagittarius, to your parents. The ancestors will be shocked.
Sagittarians are careless and unfaithful lovers. Having parted with you in the evening, assuring you of his passionate love, in the morning he may simply not remember about you.
Cheerful horoscope for Capricorn
Capricorns are a peculiar mixture of Leo and Virgo. They believe that they are as charismatic as Leos and as logical as Virgos. In fact, they have the self-importance of Leo and the sadness of Virgo.
Capricorns are terrible workaholics, but they work with such a gloomy and dull look that you just want to tell them: “Put on a different face, a little more cheerful.”
In love, Capricorns are pessimists. His chosen one (chosen one) can prove his love a hundred times, but Capricorn is firmly convinced that he will certainly be abandoned. What happens most often is that the partner gets tired of fighting with the universal despondency of Capricorn.
Cheerful horoscope for Aquarius
Aquarians are the most “knowledgeable” people in the world. Ask Aquarius what Nadezhda Krupskaya was sick with as a child or what stars make up the constellation Sagittarius, and he will tell you looking smart and will tell you everything in great detail.
Aquarians love their body very much, they love to be naked, and therefore they are very willing to visit nudist beaches.
Aquarians are wonderful lovers, and if you constantly listen to them, agree with everything and admire their extensive knowledge, Aquarius will love you like Romeo.
Cheerful horoscope for Pisces
Pisces are very vengeful creatures, God forbid you offend this sign. Outwardly, they will not show that they are offended, but you will subsequently regret for a long time that you offended Pisces.
Pisces are very slow in everything, and they are also drivers. If you see a car driving along the highway at a speed of 40-50 km per hour, be sure that a representative of this sign is driving.
In love, Pisces are cold and predictable; they are said to be “dead fish.” But they consider themselves almost Scorpios in love relationships.
Humor and positivity. Three topics in one:
1. Assessment of zodiac signs from the Think-Say-Do position.
2. Behavior of signs after sex.
3. Life principles zodiac signs.
Jokes about zodiac signs
Characteristics of signs from the point of view of thinking-saying-doing
Aries: He thinks - a lot. He says it’s not enough. He does it right.
Calf: He thinks about a lot. He says convincingly. He does it as best he can.
Twins: He thinks about himself. He says what he thinks. He does it - he thinks it’s very good.
Cancer: He thinks - constantly. He says it's tempting. Does what they tell you to do.
A lion: He thinks - exactly. He says it's too much. He does something that he couldn’t get away from.
Virgo: He thinks one thing. He says something else. Does - the third, but well.
Scales: He thinks it's too much. He says honestly. He does it responsibly.
Scorpion: He thinks - concentrated. He says exactly. He does what he likes.
Sagittarius: He thinks that it’s only him... He says that everyone except him... He does it with someone else’s hands.
Capricorn: He thinks what comes to mind. He says what he came up with. He does what he can.
Aquarius: He thinks, “What do you need?” He says, “Well, if necessary.” He does it better than anyone else.
Fish: He thinks that no one knows. He says he's being clever. It does - depending on whether the work will be checked.
After sex. Jokes about zodiac signs
Aries: Okay, here we go again!
Calf: I am hungry! Pass me the pizza!
Twins: Where's the TV remote control?
Cancer: When we get married?
A lion: Wasn't I really great?
Virgo: Let me see the sheets
Scales: If you liked it, I liked it too
Scorpion: Perhaps now we can untie you
Sagittarius: Don't call me, I'll call you myself
Capricorn: Do you have a business card?
Aquarius: Now let's try WITHOUT clothes!
Fish: So what do you say your name is?
Life principles of the zodiac signs.
Every joke, they say, has a grain of humor)))
Aries:
1. It’s better not to argue with me.
2. First I’ll do it, then I’ll think about it.
3. Where others are slowing down, I step on the gas.
4. I will be forever young.
5. Do as I do, because you can’t do it better anyway.
6. The most difficult thing is to listen to your interlocutor to the end.
7. Stubbornness is not a vice.
8. It’s easy to control the situation, but it’s more difficult to control your emotions.
9. One Aries is good, two Aries is a lot.
10. I don’t attack first. But God forbid it hurts me.
Calf:
1. I don’t mind the money for the purchase, I don’t mind the party.
2. I don’t need someone else’s, don’t touch mine.
3. A bad peace is better than a good quarrel.
4. Don’t disturb someone who is well seated.
5. A beautiful sofa is better than a beautiful sunset.
6. Food is a serious thing.
7. An affectionate calf sucks two queens.
8. When you ride second, you save energy.
9. I can’t stand it disposable lighters!
10. Taster - this is my true calling.
Twins:
1. Today I am not the same as yesterday.
2. Whoever controls the situation owns the information.
3. One mind is good, but two are better, especially if both belong to the same person.
4. Figaro here, Figaro there.
5. The idea, like other products, should not be left behind.
6. One TV and telephone in the house is good, but three are better.
7. Those who didn’t have time are late.
8. I move through life like a scooter on water - I don’t go deep, but quickly.
9. At the market I am not responsible for the market.
10. I love quantity, because there is not enough time for quality.
Cancer:
1. My home is my fortress.
2. Babysitting for others is my true calling.
3. It would be nice to stock up on everything in the world, both patience and jam.
4. Everything comes to those who know how to wait.
5. Meet friends at home, not in a cafe.
6. Nothing warms the soul like the sight of a stocked refrigerator.
7. It’s better to save up, but buy a worthy thing.
8. It’s hard to live where there is nowhere to hide.
9. I carry my past with me like a backpack.
10. Is it really possible to wear out a coat in twenty years?
A lion:
1. I will lead you into the bright distance.
2. It is better to give support than to receive it.
3. Pleasant manners are half the success.
4. The sun shines for Leos.
5. A beautiful sign on the office door is more important than a high salary.
6. I like to earn good money, and even more - to spend.
7. A grand piano in the house is better than a piano, even if there is no one to play it.
8. Despite my friendly appearance, I am a dictator at heart.
9. If you do it, do it big.
10. Why do you need the sun if I’m with you????
Virgo:
1. Patience and work will grind everything down.
2. Modesty adorns not only the girl, but also the virgin.
3. Everyone lives for himself, but serves others.
4. Order is needed everywhere: both in thoughts and in the kitchen.
5. Prove to me strictly logically that we are created for each other.
6. A crooked shelf drives me crazy.
7. On a large scale, I get lost.
8. It’s difficult for me to remove pits from a whole bucket of cherries.
9. There is a cool lady in every Virgo.
10. The fly agaric definitely needs to be conspicuous, and White mushroom- and so good.
Scales:
1. Without a partner it’s like without hands.
2. The most disgusting thing is to argue.
3. Win by agreeing.
4. Only fools are principled.
5. I will involve anyone in anything.
6. Beauty will save the world.
7. Everything should be done according to the mood.
8. The hardest thing is to make a choice.
9. Not all “i”s need to be dotted.
10. I myself don’t know whether I’m for the whites or the reds.
Scorpion:
1. It’s a pity there’s no one to sting.
2. Every event is like a sofa: it must have hidden springs.
3. There must be a serious reason for smiling.
4. You can free yourself from everything, but not from your own passions.
5. I sing a song of love on the battlefield. 6. Not everyone can stand my gaze.
7. My passions rarely come to the surface, like a shark that rarely swims to the surface.
8. The world is lost without knights.
9. There are still Othellas on earth!
10. I look like a cactus - my fabulous flower opens for the chosen few.
Sagittarius
1. Good man there must be a lot.
2. To whom I owe, I forgive everyone.
3. Best vacation- trip around the world.
4. The main thing about the problem is its scale.
5. My ideal is Ivan Tsarevich.
6. It is impossible to be angry with me.
7. Remorse - what is it?
8. Commitment adorns only mediocre people.
9. It’s stupid to worry in advance; we’ll figure out the situation.
10. Not an obligatory person, he simply must be obligatory.
Capricorn:
1. I am not a springer or even a stayer. I'm a marathon runner.
2. And there is one warrior in the field.
3. Don’t break the laws - someone else will get away with it, but you will be caught.
4. I need very little for myself. My property is simply a mirror of my successes.
5. Life is like a train that arrives at every station exactly on schedule.
6. It’s nice to talk about distant countries while sitting at home.
7. Real Capricorn, like cognac, is distinguished by its age.
8. It’s worth climbing to the top all your life just to spit down from there just once.
9. Only I get younger with age.
10. I’m on my way, I’m on my way, I don’t whistle, and when I get there, I won’t let go.
Aquarius:
1. How boring it is to be like others!
2. If I invented you, become the way I want.
3. Prejudices are for fools.
4. The future simply must be wonderful.
5. It is difficult to be an angel, but it is necessary.
6. Good intentions are more important than good deeds.
7. To become an innovator, you must first forget about traditions.
8. Sex? There are more important things in life.
9. Friends first, and then family... if, of course, there is time.
10. There is no kinder me, no more cheerful me.
Fish:
1. It is more important to sympathize than to help.
2. I can’t give up alcohol like a fish from water.
3. Order was invented by boring people.
4. Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
5. You never know what I can promise...
6. Working in a hurry is the same as swallowing without chewing.
7. I am ready to understand everyone, but not myself.
8. A willow bends in a storm, but an oak tree falls.
9. Everyone knows that I am always busy, but few people know what exactly.
10. Don’t put pressure on me, otherwise I’ll slip away like a fish out of your hands!
Have a positive spring mood!