Do you do a lot for others, but don’t feel the impact? Do you do your best at work, do your best for your loved ones, are ready to help your friends in any situation, but do not receive gratitude, worthy of appreciation, or reward for your efforts? If you give a lot, but get little in return, then this article is for you. In it we will look at:
- how to stop waiting for approval and gratitude from others;
- how not to worry about criticism addressed to you;
- how to learn to feel your worth without reference to external factors;
- how to get rid of dependence on the opinions of others.
It often happens that even in the process of doing something, we imagine how good we look from the outside, how we are praised and admired by the results of our work. But when the “moment of glory” comes, as it seemed to us, those around us are silent, and we experience disappointment from not receiving recognition, and maybe even anger and indignation. “How can this be, after all, someone, but I definitely deserved praise!” - we get angry, remembering how much effort and effort we put in, which went unnoticed.
But is this as unfair as it seems at first glance? Why do we worry, get upset and take it to heart if we are not praised or thanked? Let's try to answer these questions and look at the situation from a different angle - why are we so waiting for these praises and approvals from the outside?!
P.S. To be fair, it is worth noting that there is an objective human need for recognition and respect (for example, according to A. Maslow’s pyramid of needs) and it is absolutely normal to strive to satisfy it. But when this need begins to acquire excessive importance, becomes an end in itself, provokes discomfort and dissatisfaction - it’s time to take a closer look at it and determine: why is someone else’s opinion so important to us?!
Roots of the problem
Expecting grades from the outside is one of the manifestations of the “excellent student complex” that many of us earned back in school. For an excellent student obsessed with grades, it is not so much the acquisition of knowledge and pleasure from the process of learning something new that is important, but the grade itself, and it is this that becomes the goal. But the “excellent student complex” is not only a problem of perfectionism, but also of unstable self-esteem, self-doubt, and dependence on the opinions of others.
An acute need for praise often haunts those who did not receive enough parental attention in childhood and tried to earn it with good deeds, grades, and exemplary behavior at school. But is it easy for such obedient and “comfortable” children to move on through life?
Children grow up, and the behavior pattern of attracting the attention of adults by pleasing them continues to operate. Only adults now are not only parents, but also bosses, relatives, and friends. The stimulus for activity becomes the result, and the goal is to receive praise, impress others, earn attention and confirmation that “I am good.” Condemnation, criticism and disagreement with his opinion are unbearable for such a person, because he himself begins to consider himself “bad”, agreeing with external opinion.
Where is your source of approval - internally or externally?
When a person’s self-esteem is unstable and the source of approval is external, he is very worried and worried - “what will they think of me?”, “maybe I’m doing something wrong?”, that “I’m not good enough”, “probably they don’t like me”, “I’m not valued at all”, “why doesn’t anyone see my potential”... The whole truth is that such people torture themselves and try very hard to get approval and praise, but in the end they earn depression and disappointment.
"How so? - we are indignant at work or in the family, - “After all, I tried so hard, did so much for them, and no one even said “Thank you!” And it seems that this is very offensive and unfair. Agree, if you constantly live in anticipation of someone’s approval, spinning in a vicious circle “I do it - I don’t receive gratitude - I earn resentment and disappointment,” you can drive yourself into deep depression, earn chronic fatigue and apathy.
But let's look at the situation from the other side. After all, in fact, only We choose how to react to the behavior of others and their opinions. When we put the approval of others on a podium and try to earn it:
- we allow others to influence our opinion of ourselves,
- we put the opinions of others above our own,
- we let others decide how good we are at something,
- whether we should continue to engage in this or that activity.
And one more important point: think about it - and what are the true motives of people who express their assessments and praises to you?? Why are they doing that? Maybe they want to assert themselves at your expense, emphasize their own importance and significance, or maybe they are trying to manipulate you?
Before allowing other people to advise you, express their opinions about you, or take criticism “to heart”, think: why should this be important to you? Don't let others ruin your mood, manipulate you with praise or criticism, or influence your opinion of yourself. After all, only you yourself know how valuable what you did is, how much effort you put in and how much effort it cost you!
Only you know how much internal strength was spent on this or that task, whether you worked 100% or can do even better. Only you can decide how important this or that business is for you, whether you want to continue investing in it, whether you should continue doing it, or whether it is no longer relevant or interesting for you.
Only you yourself know what brings you pleasure and what doesn’t; what you want to do and what weighs you down - so don’t let external voices influence you and impose their opinions on you.
In general, we smoothly approached the next problem - what do you “owe”, to whom and why.
Expectations of others from us: because “I have to”...
Many women, having lived a difficult life with tyrant husbands, when asked: “Why did you endure this all your life?”, almost always give similar answers: “But it is my duty to raise children in a full-fledged family!” or “This is my cross - and I have to carry it all my life!” And they really think that "must" suffered unfair treatment...
Concept "debt" It’s different for everyone and, undoubtedly, is dictated by family attitudes, cultural environment and acquired stereotypes. We are trying to justify expectations, to meet someone’s ideas and ideals, to “not let us down” and “not to betray”, to fulfill our “duties”... But who decided what our responsibilities are and what “we should”?
We are captured by these “duties” and “responsibilities” like prisoners in a dungeon and try our best to live up to other people’s ideals - even if they do not correspond to our personal interests, the pace and rhythm of life, in the end, desires or even abilities.
Try to write down all your “shoulds”. Here are just some examples of what many women take on themselves - “I should be ...”:
- an ideal mother;
- an exemplary wife;
- an exceptional hostess;
— an ideal specialist/employee/colleague;
- financially independent, earn money and provide for yourself;
- the best, always and in everything;
- (your option).
When you write down your list of who you “should” be and how you “should” behave,” you will be surprised how many of these attitudes there are. Now think: where did they come to you from? Who decided that you “should” and why do you need to be “ideal, exceptional, better than everyone else”?
Of course, I’m not calling for giving up your ideals and striving to become better - I’m only “for” each of us becoming the Woman of our dreams (I wrote about this). I just urge you to remove the “debts” imposed by someone, clear yourself of excess burden, make your life easier and not try to be someone other than yourself. In this sense, not trying to be perfect means:
- abandon the ideals imposed by someone,
- stop justifying someone’s ideas that “a woman should”
- finally turn your inner gaze to yourself,
- hear your desires and feelings,
- understand your true aspirations,
- follow your inner voice.
In my opinion, the only true duty is to yourself: to realize your potential, develop your abilities and show your talents to the world.
Solution
When we stop striving to receive approval, a “good grade” and praise, to be perfect always and in everything, then we finally take the path of finding our true selves.
How to stop expecting praise and gratitude from others, how to get rid of dependence on other people’s opinions - here are 9 tips tested from personal experience:
- Address the root of the problem: work with children's complexes and grievances, reconsider your behavior model and allow yourself to live in a new way! If the “excellent student complex” is about you, then don’t try to get “excellent” in all subjects. Don’t be afraid to get a “3” in some disciplines and don’t expect grades or rewards at all. If life is also a school, then only you yourself have the right to grade yourself. Ideally, of course, avoid the evaluative principle altogether.
If as a child you had to “earn” the attention and love of adults, it’s time to realize that true love cannot be earned.
You are either loved with all your shortcomings and “bad grades”, or you are not loved for any achievements. No matter how tough and painful it may be, we cannot force anyone to love us and prove that we deserve respect and approval. And the problem is not us - but the inability of others to truly love, respect human dignity and see the potential in others. 
- Place the source of approval within yourself: become your own fair judge and advocate for your own interests. In fact, all the answers are within us, as well as approval and praise for ourselves. Love yourself, encourage, praise, thank and even feel sorry for yourself if necessary. After all, who are you doing what you expect approval for?!
- Make a list of your own priorities and values. No matter how many debates there are - what is more important, career or family, children or relationships with a husband, self-realization or selfless care for children, self-development or service to others - each woman has her own answer and a unique formula for combining all these things. There is no point in arguing what is more important - after all, each of us has the inalienable right to live our lives according to our own rules. For the same reasons, you shouldn’t worry if someone considers you not a good enough mother or an insufficiently developed personality - an intelligent person will not judge another, developing himself and his abilities at this time, and the opinions of stupid people should not bother you at all.
- Learn to enjoy the process of activity, do not get attached to the final result and external attributes of success. Immerse yourself completely in the process, make it systematic, plunge into creativity or bring creativity into your routine - and enjoy not only achieving goals. If your current activity does not allow you to experience pleasure from the process itself (although almost any activity can be turned into exciting by applying a non-standard approach to it and a little love), then maybe it’s time to think about what you really enjoy and from what activity breathtaking?!
- Don't try to be "good" to everyone– be kind and attentive, first of all, to yourself, your needs and feelings. Trying to please someone or raise your rating in someone else's eyes, you thus forget about yourself, your priorities or true desires. I once wrote in a letter to myself: “Don’t try to be perfect, learn to be yourself.” And this advice to myself opened my eyes to many things: we try to be ideal for others, but we ourselves, in principle, do not need this. We ourselves need to live in harmony with ourselves - for internal balance and finding balance, we need to strive to be real everywhere and with everyone, honest in expressing our emotions, desires, needs... And what difference does it make if they call you “good” if it doesn’t make you happy? Fine?!
- Avoid the role of victim - discard false altruism! Stop doing “everything for others”, expecting gratitude for it. True selflessness does not require anything in return: if you do something for others expecting gratitude and praise, then you are doing it for yourself - to increase your own value, increase your importance, emphasize your importance or indispensability. And this is far from altruism, but real egoism, which, by the way, there is nothing wrong with (unlike egocentrism). Just admit that your actions are still selfish and begin to truly act in your own interests, thus providing yourself with inner comfort and peace of mind! Try to look at the same problem from a different angle, or, as the classics of self-development bequeathed to us: if you can’t change the situation, change your attitude towards it! After all, there are two big differences in thinking that “I am forced to spend almost all my time on my family, serving the needs of my children and husband, constantly washing, cooking and cleaning. After all, this is my responsibility and “this is a woman’s lot!” or another approach: “I take care of my family because I like to feel needed and irreplaceable, I like cleanliness and cooking. And in general, a family is a good alternative to loneliness and living in solitude.” Do you feel the difference?!
- By and large, you don't owe anyone anything- only for yourself and only to be happy. Don’t take on more than you are comfortable doing, don’t force yourself to “go out of your way” trying to please everyone and fulfill all the requests addressed to you. And even more so, if someone is trying to shift their responsibilities onto you, or use your good nature or dependability for their own purposes, feel free to talk about your discomfort and defend your position. After all, you know the saying: “The horse that pulls is loaded!” Learn to say “No!”, without making excuses, but calmly asserting “I don’t have time for this,” “I’m not interested in this,” “This doesn’t fit my priorities.” This may sound too categorical, for example, in terms of family, but let's think about it - what is the use of children and a husband from a driven and exhausted mother and a wife who has no strength left to enjoy life?! Do what you really want, avoid work that is unpleasant to you, ask your family for help, hire cleaning staff. Love for your husband and interested communication with your children are much more valuable than daily pies and wet wiping in the house.
- Start to truly value yourself- advice from the category of “easy to say - but difficult to do!”))) But seriously, low self-esteem and lack of self-love arise when we don’t value ourselves, don’t know our strengths and are silent about our achievements. We were taught as children that “you need to be modest, and it’s ugly to brag!” (hello to such teachers!;). For those who heard this as a child, it is very important to learn to talk about themselves and their successes as adults. After all, those around us perceive us from our own words and see what we show them about ourselves! Or you can even do a small one exercise– write a list of your strengths, achievements in life, moments of success and a sense of your own strength and importance. Take out all your diplomas, praises and certificates, do not hesitate to talk about yourself in bright colors, noting your merits, positive character traits, abilities and skills. By re-reading this list, you will actually see what you can do, how much you know and what qualities you possess - and this is by no means self-hypnosis, but a fact supported by evidence! And don't forget to praise yourself often when you really deserve it, thank yourself when you've done a good job, give yourself time to rest and recover if you're tired. The tricky part of this method is that others will not begin to value you until you learn to value yourself.
- Sometimes you just need to say that it is important for you to hear gratitude. For example, you can ask your loved ones in direct text, “It is important for me to be told “Thank you!” for a delicious dinner!”, for example, or for something else. This method works almost flawlessly - it’s not difficult for your loved ones, but it’s pleasant for you. Such small gratitudes, which in principle do not affect your self-esteem, but are a culture of relationships, will certainly not harm anyone.
And yes, be sure to think about what you can thank or praise your loved ones, acquaintances, and colleagues for! After all, very often people do not know or do not fully realize how good they are and how important they are to you. Some of my friends have a habit of regularly thanking each family member for his work and efforts that he makes for the benefit of the family. I think it's a wonderful tradition!
Instead of a conclusion
When we stop trying to please everyone, be perfect, sacrifice ourselves, ignoring our interests, it’s as if we are freed from a heavy burden: the need to receive someone’s appreciation or gratitude. Just tell yourself: “From now on, I will live in harmony with myself, without needing anyone’s approval. From now on, I will decide for myself what I should and shouldn’t, what I did well and what I didn’t do well. I will act based on my interests, priorities and values. I will do what I want and the way I want. And I will also evaluate the results of my efforts myself!”
This process may not be easy at first - after all, giving up ideals can be very painful, but how pleasant it is to get closer to yourself! When you begin to act in your own interests, for your own pleasure, you yourself will begin to receive satisfaction from your activities! Isn't the highest reward - to be satisfied with yourself?! 
About why I stopped chasing the perfect woman went beyond the boundaries of “should” and “shouldn’t” and returned to your real self - you can read
So, more about negative beliefs about oneself:
1. I need the approval of other people in order to live.
When others approve of you, it feels like a pleasant and inspiring experience. You can be sure that you are accepted and will not be abandoned or destroyed if you have the approval of other people. The fear that underlies the need for approval is one of the most basic, although it is not usually expressed as fear. Every person, to one degree or another, fears abandonment or destruction, and everyone wants approval.
If you receive enough approval from your family and other important people early in life, you develop enough self-confidence to trust that you will continue to be accepted for who you are and be supported and inspired by others. However, if you experienced approval only in certain situations as a child, then you may think (consciously or unconsciously) that you:
* Must always meet parental expectations (usually you would get approval if you met them)
* You must guess what is on your parents' minds and anticipate their needs and desires
* Others have told you that they are happy with what you do for them, but not with who you are or what you are like.
*Your achievements are a source of great pride to your parents
*You get your parents' approval when you win and succeed
Enough basic acceptance means that someone loves you and accepts you for who you are. This does not mean that you are always right, or that this other always approves of your behavior, it simply means that this other is able to perceive you and your behavior separately, that is, to separate your personality from how you behave. This acceptance of you means that the other considers you worthy, valuable, and this value does not suddenly disappear when you do something wrong.
If you have not received such basic approval, or only received it when you met others' expectations, then you may feel that you must always meet others' ideas, their desires, their needs, and only then will they support you. If you do not receive such approval, then you feel hurt and you have the feeling that you are not good enough.
Anytime you feel like you're doing something you don't really like to get that approval or that you just feel like someone doesn't approve of you, you can use an affirmation like this:
I like to feel other people's approval, but I'll be okay if I don't get it.
Based on the book by Nora Brown.
James RAPSON
psychotherapist
Craig ENGLISH
writer
Nice people do everything too much: they adapt too much, they apologize too much. They float through life, adapting and giving in - in an attempt to please everyone. They strive to please others, even if they ignore or insult them. Such people show anxiety in relationships: through dependence, ingratiation, excessive readiness to bend to other people's desires. They are always worried about what others will think of them. And every time they are surprised when they are rejected. Nice people often suffer from feelings of inferiority and fear of inadequacy. They feel like they have to prove their worth and excellence over and over again, and although they may be quite competent in professional and social life, they remain constantly nervous.
Watch yourself
Our primary tool for overcoming anxious attachment is mindfulness practice. Our task is to observe the obsessive thoughts and feelings that arise again and again, and pull them into the light, where they lose their power. At first, awareness increases anxiety. Moreover, we notice that we are still overwhelmed with feelings of unspoken resentment, anger and constant anxiety that we secretly stored inside ourselves. These feelings are so different from the image that we carefully created: nice people not allowed angry or anxious. As children, we learned that negative emotions do not bring us the love we need, and therefore these feelings are not for us. And when such feelings appear, we consider them - and ourselves - bad, disgusting, spoiled, evil. Non-judgmental mindfulness requires that we learn to observe thoughts, feelings, emotions and sensations without dividing them into “bad” and “good”. Only by accepting and carefully examining them will we be able to discover their cause, which means we will be able to change them. The habit of judging runs very deep (sometimes we even condemn our own judgment!), and the practice of mindfulness is dedicated to understanding this habit and getting rid of it. Over time, as we learn to pay attention to self-judgment, it will begin to disappear.
Be alone
People who suffer from anxious attachment usually fear being neglected or abandoned. They will constantly sacrifice their time, energy and self-esteem just to avoid being alone. As a result, they often find themselves in relationships that do not bring them joy, playing roles that are harmful to them, even if these relationships themselves do not give them the feeling of security they are looking for. That is why the conscious choice of solitude is an extremely important experience for a transforming personality. When done with care and compassion, loneliness can be a good laboratory for studying emotions, thoughts, bodily sensations and behavior.
One of the main results of a period of solitude is the development of the “loneliness muscle.” If you practice solitude meaningfully and moderately, you will become increasingly comfortable with it, without worrying about your separation from others. The challenge is learning to love yourself the way a caring parent loves their child: unconditionally, no matter what you discover, and as much as you can. An important part of practicing solitude is to develop specific self-care skills. This can be a difficult task for nice people who have long accepted the fact that addiction is the order of the day.
Understand what you want
“What do I believe? What are my values? How should I live? Nice people avoid these three questions if the answers conflict with their habit of adapting to the needs of others. Our whole life is a constant work on the formation of personal ethics. Any situation that requires a person to make a decision is suitable for this purpose. A nice person in any given case is likely to give in to someone else's desires - not because he always agrees with them, and not because he considers such a choice to be correct, but because he is afraid of being the cause of conflict: he takes risks to lose friendship, love or status. A transforming person in a similar situation will look inward and ask himself, “What do I think is right?” These are the words of a warrior.
Don't suppress aggression
You should understand that aggression is part of your personality. In fact, it is necessary for all living beings. Appreciate the determination and persistence with which a raven attacks bread crumbs, a puppy fights with its brothers, and a three-year-old child tries to get attention. Of course, suppressing aggression does not get rid of the passions that provoke it; aggression simply turns into hidden, passive forms. Transforming people are likely to find that skillfully managing aggression brings a lot of pleasure because it also releases dreams. We finally realize our desires, boldly strive for them and reap the fruits of our actions.
Set boundaries
Nice people have a hard time setting personal boundaries, because there is always a risk of offending someone by the fact of their existence. It will take conscious effort in the beginning, but the results will be worth it. Weak boundaries kill relationships and create distrust and disrespect in others. Strong boundaries give you a sense of security and attract other people. If someone tells us that they don't want to be called before nine in the morning, we can trust that information and feel grateful that such a wish was expressed. For contrast, imagine that when asked if we are calling too early, we hear “No problem,” but the tone of voice makes it clear that there is a problem There is. They try to be “nice” with us, but this is not particularly pleasant, and at the same time we lose respect for the interlocutor.
Get rid of illusions
The practice of getting rid of illusions will help people who have embarked on the path of transformation to part with magical fantasies and the expectation of a tragic end, and also see others as they are. Free from illusions, a person will be able to experience more fulfilling intimacy, better sex, and genuine joy in relationships. The basis for creating an ideal is the belief that serving an idol will bring happiness and satisfaction.
Of course, this is far from reality. In this case, there is no and cannot be true love or destiny sent by heaven. No real person can make us whole. This is a task for ourselves. Of course, we will have other people help us along the way - friends, lovers, spouses, therapists, teachers and mentors - but the task of meeting our own needs lies with us. This truth is difficult to accept. At first we resist her by calling on habitual thoughts: “If I am nice enough, she will give me everything I need.” We must remind ourselves again and again that no one person can fill the void in our heart.
Don't be afraid of your dark side
Nice people diligently hide their dark side. The problem is not that the dark side is bad, but that we hate it. Interestingly, the process of studying the dark side awakens exactly those qualities that we want to develop in ourselves. Considering and accepting vindictiveness, weakness and anxiety develops forgiveness, strength and calm. Instead of hating their dark side, transforming people understand where it comes from: it is the place in the soul that has suffered the most. This pain needs care, like a small child who has hit himself and wants to be caressed, distracted, played with, joked with, in short, to be loved. When we become able to have compassion for our dark side, transformation accelerates.
Have you noticed how, while doing something, you look around in search of the approving gaze of others? It is not enough for you to simply know that you are right; you need to have your loved ones, friends, colleagues and even complete strangers confirm this.
Don't think there's something wrong with you. Almost all of us need social stroking (psychological support): this is how we briefly increase our own self-esteem, which is low in most people.
123RF/ George Mayer
Psychologists explain that the need for constant approval from others indicates, first of all, that a person does not know his own strengths and weaknesses. Such people need someone from the outside to say: “Yes, you’re doing everything right, you’re great.”
If, after certain actions or words, such a reaction does not follow, then people begin to doubt not only their abilities, but also the correctness of their own opinion.
A person who lives with an eye on others is always in tension and experiences a feeling of anxiety, since the main purpose of his existence is the desire to please others, to correspond to their idea of what is bad and what is good.
You are probably familiar with the situation when you see that someone is doing the wrong thing, dishonestly or meanly, but you remain silent and do not enter into an open conflict, because you are afraid of seeming like a brawler. In addition, people who need other people's approval tend to follow others' lead and agree to do things they don't want, such as going to a sushi bar, even if they hate Japanese food.
123RF/racorn
In pursuit of a positive assessment of our actions, we completely forget about ourselves: if the majority is against, we change our position, even if just a second ago it seemed to us the only correct one; we sacrifice our own interests; we are afraid to be frank with loved ones and friends, for fear of losing their favor; and, most importantly, we keep repeating the same thought in our heads: “Did they see how good I am? Did they notice that I did the right thing now? If I do this, everyone will say that I’m great.”.
Instead of simply enjoying life and freedom of choice, we voluntarily agree to let others decide how we live and what we choose.
In addition to the inability to adequately assess our strengths and weaknesses, psychologists identify several other reasons why we constantly seek other people’s approval. Understanding why you adjust your own value system to fit other people's values will help you deal with this problem.
Passing the buck
No matter how strange it may sound, we appreciate it if other people evaluate us. It seems that outsiders see better all our strengths and weaknesses, hence the familiar “from the outside knows best” appeared. Because we are afraid that we will not be able to adequately assess the correctness of our own actions, we voluntarily transfer the right to “judge” to those around us. As a result, all our ideas about what is good and what is bad are based not on internal beliefs, but on the opinions of others.
123RF/ stasia04
Parental approval
If in childhood we saw the manifestation of parental love only in those cases when we did something that moms and dads liked, then, as adults, we continue to empower those around us as our “censor parents.” When we did not live up to our parents' expectations, we received anger, rage, and irritation in response. And love, affection and care were seen only by doing something that corresponded to parental ideas about the right life. Of course, this was not the case for everyone, but those who learned in childhood that a good attitude towards themselves can only be earned by pleasing someone, today behave in exactly the same way with other people.
Perfectionism
Another reason why we need the approval of strangers is the desire to achieve perfection in everything and to become perfect ourselves. However, in this case, we are no longer talking about a simple need to be “patted on the head,” but about the need to arouse admiration, hear stormy applause, and see envy in the eyes of others. It is precisely such people - those who want not only to make sure that they are right, but also to become an ideal for others - who are more often disappointed in life.
Depending on the opinions of others, there is actually nothing terrible, but only to certain limits. We all, to one degree or another, seek approval when we express our point of view or perform any actions. However, you should sound the alarm if you begin to notice that, while listening to the reactions of friends and colleagues, you do not at all correlate it with your own value system and try at all costs to correspond to other people’s ideas. A person with an inner core must ask himself: “What do I think about this? Do I want to do what others expect of me?”
Living, focusing only on the opinions of others, while forgetting about your own, means never being happy. Indeed, in this case, someone’s disapproving glance will be able to ruin even the best mood and make you doubt yourself.